Palette: Okay, Voices In My Head, this has to stop.
Voices In My Head: What do you mean? Like T.S. Eliot's Hollow Men, we have always been here. You aren't going to get rid of us just by asking, oh no. It'll take years of psychoanalysis, medication, and possibly even electroshock therapy.
P: That's not what I meant. No, you guys have been falling down on the job lately.
VIMH: That can't possibly be right. We've been giving you fucked-up dreams at industry-standard schedule, the Department of Inadvertent Outbursts has just embarked on its award-winning "Get her to say 'Goddammit' in church" program for the third year in a row, and the Subconscious Miners have been dredging up uncomfortable memories like clockwork. How can you possibly say we aren't doing our jobs here?
P: You're not giving me interesting material to write about.
VIMH: Well excuse us, Miss Demandypanties. We're your Id; we don't have to do what you want.
P: You don't seem to grasp the symbiotic nature of our relationship here.
VIMH: Grasp this, you little...
P: I'm a writer. Without new material to write about, I'm just an "er". Do you know what "ers" do? They watch reality television, work in retail, and follow celebrity gossip. I'm pretty sure I could drown you out, and kill more than a few brain cells in the process, if I suddenly start caring about Nicole Richie, Lindsey Lohan, and Paris Hilton.
VIMH: ... well played. What are your demands?
P: I need new material for my blog. I've stopped reading comic books, run out of authors to imitate, and new episodes of Jericho and Battlestar Galactica don't air until 2008. Furthermore, I've got a bit of a reputation as an eccentric, and I want that characteristic flavor of inspired, ecstatic lunacy to be prevalent in this new work.
VIMH: Hmm. The problem here, you see, is that we're inherently chaotic in what we do. Schedules don't work well for us.
P: All I need is a sperm of the idea and my conscious mind can do the rest. I'll handle the structure and implementation; all you guys have to do is churn out wild-ass notions. Sound reasonable?
VIMH: I think I can sell that, yes.
P: So help me out here.
VIMH: How about a series of internal dialogs between you -- the author -- and the voices in your head? You could turn it into a recurring series of faux conversations, with us suggesting insane notions and you responding to them.
P: Give me an example?
VIMH: With gas prices the way they are, I bet you'd save a ton of money if you refit your car to run by burning cow patties. Heck, if you changed your diet and stopped flushing your toilet, I'll bet you could even get it to work on your own excreta! And composting is so very trendy these days.....
P: It's been a pleasure doing business with you.
The Fine Print
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