Status Report on my Face

It's just about 2.5 months since the attack. I'd say I have about 90 to 95% functionality back, because while I can talk normally I still can't open that side of my mouth completely -- partly because the injured area still feels tight when I do that and I sure as heck don't want to stretch it, and partly because I'm waiting for the plastic surgeon to give me the go ahead -- so eating some foods is awkward and dental exams are still out of the question.

I also have some awkwardness with facial expressions, mostly because the swelling is right in the pocket that the corner of my mouth forms on my cheek when I smile, grimace, etc. The best way to describe how that feels is to compare it to trying to bend a joint when the skin is swollen and puffy: there's a bit of give, and then then surrounding tissue and fluid go "Nope, uh-uh, that's as far as you go with that."

Plus, it's just a weird feeling having this swollen growth-like thing on my face. Thankfully, the swelling is going down slowly but steadily. I estimate that by mid-January it ought to be gone and we can start talking about surgery. 

Have I mentioned lately how much I appreciate everyone who helped me through these past months by giving me love and support and encouragement and donations?

If I haven't: thank you very much. 

If I have:  thank you again. 

Here's to a much better 2018!

GunBlog VarietyCast Radio #176 - So Long and Thanks for all the Downloads

It's a wrap! Episode 176, our finale, is the end of more than three years of weekly podcasting. We have farewell segments from Beth, Barron, former contributor Nicki, Miguel, Tiffany (and her Mom!), Co-host Emeritus Adam, Weer'd, and of course Erin and Sean.

Our sincerest thanks to our sponsors, both current (LuckyGunner and Remington, as well as Carolina Ceramic Coating) and former (The Law of Self Defense). We especially thank our longtime supporters at Firearms Policy Coalition for their generous support over the years.

Our biggest thanks are however reserved for you, our listeners. Thank you for downloading, listening, and subscribing. It was an honor to be invited into your lives each week.

Listen to the podcast here.
Read the show notes here.

Blue Collar Prepping Transcript: 

Erin's Secret Prep

Back in April, I alluded to a secret prep involving the uses of a strategically-folded sheet of toilet paper. I didn’t talk about it then because I couldn’t find a way to be classy about it, but this is our last podcast (what’s Sean going to do, fire me?) and so I’m going to share it with you.

This may not be your most important prep, and it definitely isn’t the sexiest, but I guarantee that you’re going to get more use out of it than any other prep I’ve taught you.

Do you suffer from what is colloquially known as “Monkey Butt”? Do you live or work in a hot environment, where sweat trickles down your back and into your crack? Do you frequently suffer from, shall we say, gastrointestinal distress?

If so, the next time you’re sitting on the toilet and you’ve finished your cleanup, take a few sheets of fresh toilet paper (how many is an individual matter, you’re going to need to experiment), fold them into a rectangle, and place it as snugly against your rectum as possible. When you stand up, your buttocks will hold the paper in place. If you feel like you’ve given yourself a wedgie, you’ve used too much!

Now some of you are probably wondering “Erin, what in the wide world of Equestria will having a wad of TP up against my anus accomplish?” And I’m so glad you asked that question, because I’m going to tell you.

• If it’s hot and sweaty, that paper is going to absorb the sweat and moisture that will accumulate in your butt cleavage. If you’ve ever had an itch so severe that you’ve needed to use the bathroom and then wash your hands afterwards, you know why this is important. 
• If you pass a lot of gas, the paper acts as a muffler which suppresses the noise of your flatulence and helps diffuse the smell of it as well. If you’re nervous about making a good impression, such at on a date or at a job interview, the peace of mind that this will give you is priceless. 
• Finally, if you have a testy bowel that doesn’t quite behave, or if you can’t quite make it to the bathroom in time, this barrier serves as an Emergency Backup that protects your clothing and prevents a larger mess. 

I promise you that all of these examples are true. This technique has saved my butt (heh) more times than any other prep.

Thank you for listening to my advice for the past three years. Remember, It Doesn’t Cost a Fortune to Be Prepared!

My Thoughts on the Disney Star Wars Movies

The Force Awakens
Essentially a retelling of A New Hope: a force-sensitive orphan on a backwater desert planet finds a lost astromech droid, escapes on the Milennium Falcon, and gets caught up in an insurgency against a superior military force with a planet-busting weapon. Her mentor is killed by a loved one who has gone to the dark side and who serves an ominous holographic master, but in revenge she blows up the superweapon and gives new hope to the insurgency.

And I'm fine with this. In 2015 it had been 10 years since any Star Wars film and 30 years since a good Star Wars film, so I recognized the necessity of going "Hey fans, it's going to be okay. We know how to make a good Star Wars movie. Look, we're following the comfortable formula."  I like TFA because it was fun and exciting and I wanted to know more about the universe. Surely Episode 7 would explain all of my unanswered questions, right?

• Why is the First Order a Diet Empire?
• Why isn't the New Republic stomping them into dirt?
• Who is Supreme Leader Snoke?
• Will we see more of Commander Phasma?

Rogue One
I refer to R1 as "the best film that I've ever hated." It's true, and I'll tell you why, but first let me address this:

Me not liking a movie is my opinion. You are free to think I'm wrong, but arguing with me isn't going to convince me otherwise. You can't debate people into changing their minds over matters of taste, and opinion of art is taste. 

The biggest fault that R1 had is that unlike every single other Star Wars movie, it wasn't fun.  There was no joy in it at all. There were some cool scenes, yes, some very thrilling heroics, but everything was so goddamn grim.  Now I realize that this was meant to be a gritty film, the franchise's version of Dirty Dozen, but for crying out loud that doesn't mean everyone needs to die!

The whole thing just felt very 90s grimdark, where happy endings are verboten and people die horribly because "it's all, like, realistic and stuff."  Well, I don't watch Star Wars for the realism! Would it have be so terrible for this to have happened?



Okay, maybe not with EVERYONE surviving, but definitely with K-2SO making a backup and rescuing Jyn and Cassian.

And then that bit with Vader... okay, I can appreciate Vader being a badass, but having the Tantive IV literally at the battle changes the entire tenor of the beginning of ANH and not in a good way, I feel.

See, this is my other objection to R1: it alters canon and doesn't explain why.

• Who are the stormtroopers in black armor, and why have we not seen them before or since? No explanation given. 
• What are these new TIE fighters called? How are they better than regular TIEs? Why have we not seen them before or since? No explanation given. 
• That guy wearing a white uniform, is he a Grand Admiral like Thrawn? No, he's just a "Director". Huh, okay. So I guess directors wear white uniforms because they're awesome? No, Grand Moff Tarkin is wearing gray and he makes Director Krennik his bitch. Then... why? No explanation given.

So to me, R1 was just a bundle of dissatisfaction. I could have accepted the unanswered questions if it didn't have such a depressing "Everyone Dies!" ending, and I could have accepted a grimdark joyless ending if there had been more attention paid to continuity. But I didn't get either, so I didn't enjoy it. If you enjoyed it, that's cool. 

The Last Jedi

Remember all those questions from TFA I hoped would be answered? Yeah, the answer seems to be "Fuck you, that's why."  They not only don't answer any of them, the movie then seems to take a massive steaming shit on the original trilogy by destroying all the things we like. 

• Hey kids! Did you like Luke Skywalker, Jedi? Guess what, he's back to being whiny old Wormy from Tattooine, only with force powers! Oh, and we're going to kill him too, because we don't want him to actually accomplish anything in this movie!
• (and seriously, he didn't. Sure, he delayed Kylo Ren long enough for the Diet Alliance to escape from the Diet Empire, but he could have done that and more if he'd actually come back with Rey and Chewie on the Falcon.)
• Hey! Did you like the battle sequences on Hoth with speeders against walkers? Sure you did! So we're going to make a sequence like that, only it'll be a salt planet instead of snow, and the speeders will be incredibly lame, and at the end the rebels will have accomplished fuck-all!
• Hey! Did you like the lightsaber battle at the end of Return of Jedi in the Emperor's throne room?  Sure you did! So we're going to do it again, only we're going to murder the Emperor stand-in and then have an almost-Sith and a sorta-Jedi kill a bunch of kinda-Imperial Guards!
• I have to tell you that I was actively rooting for Rey to take Ben's hand after that battle. When she saw him shirtless I realized that the writers were suggesting a romance between them, and so when he asked her to join him ("So we can rule the galaxy as father and son together") I thought "Yes! Do it! I want to see what happens when a Dark Side user loves a Light Side user. That is one hell of a mixed marriage. Will the have children who use both sides and are therefore Gray? Dammit, show me something new!"
• Instead, we got... what we got. Sigh. 
• I also had a moment of extreme being-impressed-ness when the command ship was hit and Leia was sucked into space. I was all "Holy crap, no wonder the writers didn't seem bothered that Carrie Fisher died before the trilogy was over! This is BRILLIANT!"... and then you know what happened. 
• So now we have Han murdered, Luke disappearing into the Force (he might turn up as a Force Ghost. If so, I'd sure like to know where the fuck was Anakin's force ghost as his grandson was being turned to evil? I mean, Yoda can come back but not Anakin? Bullshit. Someone go get Hayden Christiansen and beat him with a stick until he gives a non-wooden performance) and now with Fisher dead and the writers saying they won't CGI her, she's going to die offscreen. I think the writers should have changed the script and re-shot some scenes -- they had the time, Fisher died a year before the movie was released -- so that Leia would have a meaningful death. 
• But I don't think they want meaning. They want what Kylo wants: to kill the past, to burn it all down. I fully expect that in episode 9, the Falcon is going to be destroyed and Chewbacca is going to die. 
• And don't even get me started on Laura Dern's dumbass admiral who should have communicated her plan to her CAG, who should have had the other ships doing lightspeed kamikaze runs, and who should have interposed her ship -- you know, the one with the shields that could withstand ISD turbolasers? -- between the Diet Empire's fleet and the escaping shuttles. 

At this point, I think I'm done with this storyline. I'll give the upcoming Solo: a Star Wars Story a try because it's got a good pedigree (written by Lawrence Kasdan, who gave us Empire Strikes Back) and because how badly could they fuck up a one-shot prequel (don't answer that), but after that I'm not likely to watch more. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take some geritol and yell at some kids to get off my lawn. 

Cool Stuff For Christmas

I had actually intended this to be a Boxing Day post, and then do my best to get a lot of writing done during the "vacation week" I give the authors at Blue Collar Prepping... but life had other ideas. I've been damn busy this week, but at least I've also been damn productive:

1. I'm getting caught up on rest and becoming de-stressed
2. My health is improving
3. I'm making significant improvements in organizing and de-cluttering my life
4. I'm doing end-of-year paperwork on what Operation Blazing Sword has accomplished (look for a "state of the sword" post next week)
5. All while continuing to perform my usual familial duties. 

But enough of that! You folks want to see the cool things I was given, right?

120-sided die

Yes, you read that correctly: not a 100-sided die, but 120. It's improbably large, as you can see in the photograph, and given it's size it's about as heavy as you'd expect. 

I don't roll it the way I roll my other gaming dice (which is to say, I hold them in my palm above the table before rapidly rotating my hand away, leaving the dice to fall more or less vertically before bouncing to a halt) because it makes such a loud THUNK that I'm worried I will break something. Instead, I place my left hand on the table like a goal and then literally roll the die towards it in a most-horizontal manner. 

This was given to me by The_Jack, who is a player in the various RPGs that I run. I have no idea what I'm going to use it for, but it amuses me. 

1000-lumen LED Headlamp

http://amzn.to/2EbwW1Q

Now this is something that I have used, albeit briefly: after we got home from Christmas Eve service, it was dark outside but I needed to walk the dog. I can confirm that this lamp is both comfortable and bright. 

It has three settings

1. Set Things On Fire
2. Rather Dim, Actually
3. Let's Induce Epilepsy!

Setting one is great for doing things at night, but you need to be careful not to blind your buddies by looking at their faces when you talk to them, and you also need to be careful not to blind yourself with "light splash" when you get too close to a surface (or when your hand goes up to adjust the angle or zoom of the light). 

Setting two avoids that entirely, but like my name for it suggests it's rather anemic. It feels like it's only about 100 lumens or so, but perhaps I'm biased because of how powerful setting 1 is. 

Setting 3 is basically a strobe version of setting one. It might make for a good tactical light if not for the dual faults of being mounted to your head and requiring you to take a hand off your weapon to turn the light on and off. 

Other things to like about this are a red light in the back for your buddies to see you and the ability to charge the two lithium batteries inside the case. It comes with three chargers: one for wall outlets, one for cars, and one for USB ports. 

Seal-a-Meal Vacuum Sealer

Chaplain Tim recommended this to readers last year and I was finally able to get one. I haven't used it a lot -- mainly just to vacuum-seal clothes and fire-starting materials and food for my Bug Out and Get Home Bags -- but I really like what I see and so far it's operated flawlessly. The sole complaint I have about it is that the vaccuum is LOUD, but at this price point I can live with that. 

Note to those interested in getting one:  Don't buy the pre-cut bags. Instead, buy 100 feet of roll for $20 and make your own bags; not only is it cheaper, but you can make the plastic last longer by cutting them to size. 

Cold Steel Mini Tac Tanto

This was given to me by my friend David Blackard. It's supposed to be a neck knife, but he had someone mount a belt clip to it. 

This sucker is sharp and handy. I'm not sure where to put it, but I'm definitely going to find a use for it. Until then, I'm wearing it on my belt. 

By the way: the scales on the handle are great for grip but aren't pleasant against the skin of abdomen. I learned that when trying to carry it concealed. 

Trauma Kit from Lucky Gunner

I've always gotten cool gifts from Anthony Welsch at Lucky Gunner, but this one wins points for being both cool and useful. 

That's a SOFTT-W tourniquet with a Phlster Flatpack Tourniquet Carrier and a mini compression bandage, compressed gauze and hemostatic gauze that fits into a Snake Eater Tactical stretchy-wallet-thing (I couldn't find it on their website) which carries all of that as well as a pair of gloves (those are the blue peeking out from the gray). 

A Set of Grownup Luggage

This is the biggest item I received, and it's because I told my family "Look, I flew three times this year and it looks like I'm going to fly at least that many times again next year. I don't mind using mom's suitcase but it's soft-sided and I'd really like something hard-sided so I can have more confidence when I fly with a checked firearm. Also, spinner wheels would make my life so much easier. I know it's expensive, so how about [brother] and [sister] just send my share of birthday money to [parents] so I can get this?"

And I got it. And I'm excited to have luggage. This makes me feel so damn old, y'all. But I can't deny that I'm looking forward to taking this with me when I go on cool adventures to new places, meeting new people and talking about Operation Blazing Sword.

http://amzn.to/2Dz1b1I

(I also received some girly stuff, but I doubt my mostly-male readers want to read about that.)

So what cool things did you guys for Christmas?

What I Did On My Christmas Vacation by Salem MacGourley, age 12

Okay, okay, I had my tantrum last week. I'm better now. 

To anyone who failed #Whamageddon last week because of me, I sincerely apologize. I am never in my right mind when Christmas comes around. I'm not a holiday person to begin with, and frequently go into self-imposed exile on Christmas so I do not ruin the holidays of others.

I do have a couple of people in my life who are both stubborn enough and caring enough to disregard my wishes and let their care for me be well-known nonetheless, and to them I say thank you.

Our lovely editor Erin is one of them. The Batgirl is wonderful, thank you.

My new insurance company provided a present as well. A trip to CVS Minute Clinic was 100% covered, and the amoxicillin and ipratroprium were only $5 apiece. The sinus infection is lifting slowly but surely and despite the protestations of my digestive system's devastated flora.

I decided I'd sit down and play a Christmas game, so I played Dead Rising 4 again, and found that Capcom had mere days before added a mode with all manner of costumes based on other Capcom games from Mega Man to Street Fighter with their respective powers, and I've had a good time finishing holiday quests in Destiny 2.

Twice Upon a Time, the Doctor Who Christmas Special came on, and it was really quite good. With only a few minor cringe-inducing lines given to the First Doctor (come now, he wasn't that sexist, even by modern standards), it was exceedingly well written, performed, and produced, and was a fantastic send-off for Peter Capaldi (who is too pure for this world). Also, spoiler or not, I am happy to say that they absolutely did let Jodie crash the TARDIS, in a spectacular fashion. I was genuinely concerned they wouldn't let her do that. That gives me hope for her run.

All in all, though, it was quiet. And quiet is all I ask for these days. I hope the rest of you enjoyed your holiday as well.

Merry Christmas & Happy Hearth's Warming, Everypony!

May peace, happiness and contentment be delivered to your door this holiday season!

GunBlog VarietyCast Radio #175 - 'Twas the 'Cast Before Christmas

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good podcast!

• It will be Christmas Eve when this podcast drops, so in order to get everyone into the proper spirit, Beth performs a reading of 'Twas The Night Before Christmas... but with a twist!
• A minister foils an Orange County church break-in by shooting out the tire on the fleeing suspect's car. Sean takes a look.
• You thought they just wanted to steal your data, but  now there's malware that turns your computer into a Bitcoin miner for someone else. Barron tells you how to avoid having someone steal your computer's processing power.
• When you find yourself in a hole, you should stop digging. Miguel is here to talk about how to get your mind off your problems and find inner peace.
• Those who want tighter controls on firearms ownership are always telling us that gun owners agree with them, so when Dave Workman and Alan Gottlieb wrote a widely-published article seeking that common ground, you’d expect that it would start an instant dialog with “Gun Safety Advocates.” Our special guest today is Dave Workman, here to tell us about the whole lot of nothing they heard from the the other side.
• In Episode 171, Tiffany chatted with firearms trainer Aqil Qadir about using affinity groups to help connect separate firearms cultures. This week, she talks to Aqil about his law enforcement background and how we might begin to mend the frayed relationship between many black communities and police.
• Not to be outdone by 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, Erin tells us the story of the Nativity from a prepper point of view.
• This week Weer’d takes on part two of the Jordan Klepper interview on Kickass Politics where he plugs his Comedy Central special “Jordan Klepper Solves Guns”.
• And our Plug of the Week is the Survival Blanket 2.0.

Thank you for downloading, listening, and subscribing. You are subscribed, right? We are available on iTunes, Stitcher Radio, and Google Play Music!

Listen to the podcast here.
Read the show notes here.

Thanks to LuckyGunner and Remington for their sponsorship, and a special thanks to Firearms Policy Coalition for their support.

Blue Collar Prepping Transcript: 

The Prepper Nativity

Since Beth has entertained us with a Gunnie version of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, I thought I would tell the story of the Nativity from a prepper perspective.

"In those days, Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world, and everyone went to their place of birth to register."

So Joseph, who was not yet a prepper, packed up his belongings and placed his pregnant wife Mary upon their donkey, and traveled from his home in Nazareth in the province of Galilee to the town of Bethlehem in Judea. It is unclear whether Mary was a native of Nazareth and registered there before traveling to Bethlehem with her husband, or if wives had to register with their husbands, but the fact remains that The Government required Joseph to register in person rather than by mail, because bureaucracy. And this was the first example of “Registration Leads to Confiscation”, as we shall later see.

We don’t know much about Joseph, but we know that he wasn’t very good at planning and was probably on estranged from his family, because in the time it took him to reach Bethlehem -- some sources say it would take 4 days, some 8, some 10, so let’s just assume the average and say it took them a week to get there -- not only were there no places for a man and his heavily pregnant wife to stay, but he also didn’t have any family whom he could ask for hospitality. Instead, he had to beg for shelter and was allowed to sleep in the stable of an inn only because the innkeeper took pity on his pregnant wife. From this we learn the dual values of “Bug out as soon as possible to avoid the rush” and “Cultivate a prepper tribe so that you will have a place to stay after you bug out.”

And lo, Joseph didst register, a process so boring that it’s not even mentioned in the scripture. I expect it was like the DMV, only without electricity.

And Mary did give birth to her son Jesus, the Immanuel, and God did blow their OPSEC by making a big presentation with choirs of angels singing to shepherds who then went into the town to look for a baby. And believe you me, a bunch of shepherds and their flocks milling about a stable in a crowded city is going to attract attention, and that’s even before the little drummer boy started making noise, pa-rum pa-pum-pum. Fortunately, nothing bad came of this, probably because, well, GOD, but it just goes to show that even a well-meaning relative can let slip the details of your bug-out location to strangers… but more on that, later.

And because Mary and Joseph were devout Jews, they took Jesus to Jerusalem to present him at the temple to be circumcised. As a point of interest, Bethlehem is only six miles from Jerusalem, so they probably used their Get Home Bags rather than their Bug Out Bags to make the trip. And then they returned to Bethlehem for reasons which are unclear, but probably involved more paperwork for registration because Joseph needed to add a dependent to his W-4.

And then the Magi, three wise men from the east, showed up at their home bearing gifts of money, aromatic resin used in incense and perfumes, and a bitter medicinal resin used as an antiseptic and analgesic, which Joseph added to their Bug Out Bags. These funds and medicine were good to have, because when God blew Mary & Joseph’s OPSEC, the magi saw the star and followed it, passing through Jerusalem and telling everyone in King Herod’s court that they were going to see a newborn king who was going to overthrow Herod.

Like all governments, King Herod didn’t want to give up any power, so he declared that all boys under the age of two were to be killed. And lo, registration led to confiscation and destruction.

Fortunately for the holy family, God realized that He had blown their OPSEC and gave them a warning that their current Bug-Out Location wasn’t secure. By this point, Joseph has become a good prepper, because at the first sign of danger he assembled their Bug Out Bags, put Mary and Jesus on the donkey, and got the heck out of dodge.The gold and the incense (a luxury item) were likely used to buy supplies and facilitate passage to Egypt, and the myrrh was used in their medical kits when the became sick or sore.

And thus, the holy family didst bug out to Egypt, outside of Herod’s jurisdiction, a distance of at least 40 miles to the border. And they stayed there until Herod died and it was safe to return. From this we learn the value of outliving our enemies and keeping track of foreign affairs.

Merry Christmas, everyone!