I haven't slept since Wednesday.
Wired on caffeine, adrenaline, and writer's madness.
I'm either going to vibrate through the floor or see through time.
MY POST IS UP!
READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT
LOOK UPON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHHH!!!!!!ONE
Okay, seriously. Read it, you slackers.
No, I don't care that it's only 6 am on the East Coast. I'm up, why aren't YOU?
Slacktards, the lot of you.
Well. It's decent but IMHO it could be better.
ReplyDelete1. Somehow it feels like you could build more heavily on the red threads of time and smoking.
2. It doesn't really feel genuine.
Take for example the "japanese monk/Zen buddhist goddess of smoking" part.
The way she builds up sentences. People don't start with swearwords and then just break it off. Either they start without swearwords and then finish it off with more swearwords. Or they finish it off with an expletive. Or they start up with an expletive, and then take a mental paus to finish it.
3. The ending is a bit too abrupt.
So she ritually sacrificed herself to become the "american god" of smoking (neil gaiman reference). Why? How and why did she realize it? Where were the hints and the clues? It feels like she was suddenly enlightened and accepting, but why? The story doesn't wrap around itself, it goes from the start to the finish without musing over itself. If Camel is the zen of smoking, how does it express itself in the way she acts? More than just having the ciggies as a prop, how is Camel Smoking personified?
This is of course just my opinion.
I'm not a pro or the divine god of good taste.