Baby steps

I'm writing this down right now before I think too much about it and chicken out.

I've been wrestling with some Big Issues lately, and I've come to the conclusion (perhaps erroneous, perhaps not) that I am a gigantic coward and that I live my life in fear.

There are Things (one big Thing surrounded by lesser Things) which I really need to tell people. Some of these people are friends. Some of these people are family.

But I can't, because I'm afraid.

Afraid of being mocked.

Afraid of being treated differently.

Afraid of being disowned.

Afraid of people (figuratively) slapping their foreheads and going "Oh, that explains EVERYTHING" and then analyzing every moment of my life, looking for places to say "See, this is why you failed at X" when really, no, the answer is never that simple.

I wish I had the courage to be who I really want to be.

I wish I had the courage to say it here. I post under an assumed name, and am read by people who don't know me from Adam and will likely never meet me, and yet, I'm too scared to be completely honest with you.

This sucks. I'm tired of living in fear, but I don't have the courage to change it.

I can't force myself to write it down, but I can at least say this much, and post it before I come to my senses and delete it.

Baby steps.