Fun with POV: Alternate Take on Baby, It's Cold Outside

When viewed through a certain ideological lens, the classic Christmas song Baby, It's Cold Outside takes on a sinister tone. That ideological lens, though, is very narrow and doesn't take into account (as usual) the social mores of the time in which it was written -- in other words, the lens obscures cultural context. Extramarital sex was frowned upon by society when it was written, and the song is about the internal conflict inside the woman who wants to stay, but is trying to talk herself out of it. (or maybe even into it?)

Much fuss has been made about that song since, and now someone's actually gone ahead and rewritten it based around the concepts of consent and rape culture, because social justice loonies are why we can't have nice things. But what if that lens wasn't the only one you viewed the song through? What if we take someone else's lived experiences and applied it to this classic song?

I give you, now, Salem's version of Baby, It's Cold Outside.

I really can't stay (But baby, it's cold outside)
I've got to go away (That's a funny way of putting it, but okay)

This evening has been (Problematic at best)
So very nice (Well, that's one way of putting it)

My mother will start to worry (Don't you have your own place?)
My father will be pacing the floor (You still live with your parents?)

So really I'd better scurry (A'ight, well, here's your coat)
But maybe just a half a drink more (I really think you've had enough)

The neighbors might think (They're busy playing X-Box)
Say what's in this drink? (Okay, this is getting weird. Why are you still here?)

I wish I knew how (Door. Right there.)
To break this spell (Bye, Felicia. Get gone.)

I ought to say, no, no, no sir (You already did. You're creeping me out.)
At least I'm gonna say that I tried (Is this some kind of setup? Are you recording this?)

I really can't stay (Look, just go, I'll call you tomorrow.)
But baby, it's cold outside

I simply must go (You keep saying that)
The answer is no (And yet you're still here.)

Your welcome has been (Retracted. You can go now.)
So nice and warm (And now we're heating the neighbourhood because you're leaving the door open)

My sister will be suspicious (You know, I really don't like your sister.)
My brother will be there at the door (Your brother needs to chill out.)

My maiden aunt's mind is vicious (Your what now?)
But maybe just a cigarette more (Out on the porch. My flat doesn't allow smoking.)

I've gotta get home (What do you want, cab fare?)
Say lend me a coat (The hell is wrong with yours?)

You've really been grand (You're starting to scare me.)
But don't you see? (I'm pretty sure you're the one that doesn't see.)

There's bound to be talk tomorrow (That's kinda what I'm worried about.)
At least there will be plenty implied (That sounds like a threat.)

I really can't stay (That's it, I'm calling the cops.)
Baby, it's cold
Baby, it's cold outside

(Hi, police? There's a crazy woman in my house that won't leave. Can you help?)