Struggling

Warning: ranting and whining ahead. Skip this if you don't care for that kind of thing, and I honestly don't blame you if you do. 

I am trying. I swear to God, y'all, I am TRYING to be productive and creative, but I keep failing and I keep beating myself up for that and of course that means I have less motivation to try, because if I don't try then I can't fail. 

I'm positive that I have some kind of undiagnosed condition affecting me, because I haven't felt like myself for a long time now. Not quite a year, but at least since the summer, so... eight to nine months now? I don't know if it's physiological or psychological, or both, or something else entirely. I just know that I hate feeling like this and I want not to feel like this but there's nothing I can do to change it. 

"Why don't you go see a doctor, Erin?"  Believe me, I would love to do that. The problem is that I don't have any insurance and can't afford the ruinous rates that medical professionals charge.

"What about the Affordable Care Act?" Yeah, about that... there's nothing "affordable" about the ACA, at least for me. Last December I got a letter from the IRS, and after a brief panic attack where I was certain that I was about to be audited (because that was exactly the kind of year 2023 was), I read the letter and it told me that "A new law expanded the availability of affordable health care plans. Most people who sign up through Healthcare.gov find a plan that costs $10 a month with financial help."

BULLSHIT.

The Bronze level would literally bankrupt me. That's more than I make in a month, and then some. 

"Why don't you get a job that offers healthcare?" The short answer to that isn't accurate and the accurate answer to that isn't short. The medium answer is that I lost my job during the Great Recession, so I moved in with my parents. I wasn't able to find anything other than temp work, and then my parents started having heath problems and they needed me around to help them, drive them to doctor's appointments, pick dad up when he fell, etc. By the time the economy had fully recovered, I needed to be on-call for them pretty much constantly. I could get away with going to a weekend convention (even though that was a gamble) but on a long-term basis they needed me here. Then the Pulse Massacre happened and I founded  OBS, and I thought that maybe I could make a living as an author and product reviewer and 2A advocate, but between my parents' declining health and the enduring clusterfuck that was 2020, that never happened. At this point, with my father now dead, my mother needs me more than ever. Even if I did try to get a job the gap in my resume is just too big for anything other than part-time work in retail or fast food, and part time work is notorious for giving no benefits and not having a consistent schedule. 

At this point I don't know how much longer I can keep going. The Government, both state and federal, talks a good game about how they care about people like me and if I just apply I'll get help, but every time I've applied I've either been denied or priced out. Apparently I fall into what is known as the Medicaid Gap, where my income is too shitty to pay for medical care, but my living conditions aren't shitty enough to get me any sort of a break. 

I am fully aware that the state, the country, the world, life itself owes me nothing except death. On the other hand, since 2008 I've been told that this country wants to help people like me, and the politicians who espoused those views keep getting elected, so I'd be a fool not to try to take advantage of that. There's a saying I read in a book so long ago that I can't even remember the title, but the sentiment is essentially "Any man would forswear himself with a gun to his head" and that's how I feel right now. The only problem is that every time I ask for the help which I'm assured is out there, no one gives enough of a shit to actually render it. At this point I'm convinced it's all for show, that the politicians who claim to want to help don't actually want to help but instead only want the appearance of helping because it earns them votes. 

I guess I'll just die, then?