Saturday, February 9, 2008


Hi! My name is Gravhammer. I'm a brand-new superhero, and wow, am I excited to be here!

Just a few months ago, I was an ordinary college girl. But one day, when I was out hiking in the woods, I saw a meteor crash to Earth! Naturally, I went to investigate.

Well, you can probably guess what happened from looking at me, but boy was I surprised when that meteor turned out to be a spaceship! It was smashed to pieces, but some of those pieces survived. Wanna see?

When I picked this baby up, I heard a voice in my head saying that I was now a proud member of the Gravhammer Corps, and that only the best and the brightest were selected! Let me tell you, I was excited and proud to have been chosen to join such an elite group.
I put on the uniform I found nearby and it taught me how to use my new Gravhammer.

See this button here? It controls the speed at which I swing by generating a gravity field in that same direction. At Zero, it's just like swinging any other piece of metal, but I can crank it all the way up to a Hundred Gees! That's like a car hitting a brick wall at over a hundred miles an hour! Ouch!

This button here affects the density of my hammer relative to what it hits. I think it does that by creating a kind of gravitic "event horizon" around the head. Anyway, what it means is that I can change how hard I hit things! At the bottom of the scale, it's like being hit with a pillow, but go all the way at the top and whammo! It's heavier than depleted uranium.

But this button here is my favorite. I call it the "Fungo" switch and it affects the hang time of whatever I hit! You'll note that the readout here has both a positive and a negative scale. If I go positive, then at the moment of impact the hammer can impart massive velocity to an object... but if I go negative, then that means that no matter how hard I wail on something, it won't move at ALL!

So like, depending on how I configure it, I can hit you at 100 mph with the force of a feather and send you FLYING BACKWARDS, or I can barely tap you, pulverize every bone in your body, and the only movement you'll make is slumping to the floor in a puddle. Cool, huh?

And this suit? It does more than just look pretty. It protects me! See, I'm just casually tapping the end of my hammer into the concrete, and I'm crumbling it, but watch when I whack myself on the arm!


See? Nothing happened! That's because the suit is linked to the hammer and it generates its own counter-gravity field to protect me! I'm, like, indestructible!

So here I am: Gravhammer! I'm invulnerable, with a high-tech beatstick that can do all sorts of things!

... you can imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the Gravhammer is a tool designed for driving neutronium nails into girders, and that the Gravhammer Corps is another way of saying "Union for Rivet Drivers". I'm so embarrassed.

I wonder what'll happen to the hammer if my union goes on strike?


The Fine Print

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