Tuesday, May 31, 2022

I Ate'nt Dead...

 ... as Granny Weatherwax was fond of saying, but I wouldn't fault you for thinking so. Other than podcast updates, I haven't contributed anything to this blog for... quite a while now, to be honest, and that bothers me on a deep visceral level. 

I try not to whine when blogging -- which is funny since one of the purposes of blogs to be self-indulgent bitchfests -- but I started this blog as a way to write more often, and therefore write better, and I operate on the principle that I should write the kind of things I want to read, and I don't want to read about people complaining all the time. 

(That paragraph was one long sentence. Wow.)

Anyway, since I just said I hate this sort of thing, why am I doing it? Honestly, it comes down to the fact that I hate not having written anything more than I hate whining, and I figure that if I can get back into the habit of writing something every day then maybe it'll get easier, and I can get better, and then maybe I can finish Three-Line Rifle. 

I'm trying, guys. I'm trying really hard, but my family situation leaves me exhausted. I'm worried most of the time about mom's health, our dogs' health, our finances, the way a lot of utilities have suddenly started acting like dicks to us, the growing divide between members of an already dysfunctional family, etc ad nauseum. Then compound that with national worries like the economy and our nation's future, the recent spree shootings and what that means for our rights, the situation in the Ukraine... what I'm getting at is that basically my life has been one of those "You can only pick two" games, and I'm lucky if I get two out of three. I just can't seem to hit the trifecta of "Want to write", "Have time to write" and "Feel good enough to write". 

When I was a teenager my dad would frequently sigh and say "I feel old." I had no idea what that meant. How is "old" a sensation? I think I understand now: feeling old is a longing for the days when you had energy, motivation, time, and probably hope for the future. I think a lot of us have felt old for the past couple of years, and it looks like the future is only going to make us feel older. 

I feel myself getting maudlin and that's the very last thing I want, so here's Devo covering Nine Inch Nails. Yes, it's everything you hope (or fear) it will be. 

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