I am the source of all my problems.
This realization came to me as I was driving home from my birthday party. I won't bore you with the hows and whys of it, because this was a satori, a sudden case of "Oh, I get it now" driven into my brain at a time when I was so tired that all of my usual self-loving, rationalizing walls of bullshit were nonfunctional.
I have only myself to blame for the situation I'm in.
It's that simple. It really is that simple. Sure, crap happens that I have no control over, but how I react to it is completely under my control.
And I have utterly botched it.
The reason my life sucks right now? Because I'm not motivated enough to change it.
It's ugly 'cuz it's true, folks. I'd rather whine about unfair life is than, you know, get off my ever-spreading ass and change my current situation.
Because that would require work.
And somewhere along the line, probably as a kid, I got it in my head that Smart people don't have to work to succeed. And I skated along, just getting by on talent, when if I had busted my ass I could have really made something of myself at this point.
I have failed myself on an unfathomable level.
Because I allowed myself to get comfortable.
Because I settled for what was attainable instead of what I wanted.
Because it was easier to just give up and go with the flow, instead of struggling to swim upstream.
And now, looking back upon the desolation that is my life, all I can see is that for thirty-five years I have been doing nothing but taking up space.
Fuck ALL of this.
And that's exactly what I'll do.
What I need, you see, is a good old Life Fuck-Up. I need my world to be uprooted, turned upside down, burnt to the ground and then scattered to the four winds (with the earth salted for good measure) because I can't be allowed to be comfortable any longer.
I need to be really uncomfortable so that I'm motivated to improve my life.
I'm about to do something really massively unwise, people, and I invite you all to sit and enjoy the trainwreck that my life is about to become.
Some of you are my friends, and are no doubt worried that I'm going to do something drastic and stupid like a suicide attempt. Well, you're half-right; it'll definitely be drastic. Only hindsight will determine whether or not it was stupid.
If you're truly worried about me, you know how to get in touch with me. I freely admit that when I get on these self-destructive kicks I lose all sense of perspective, and try to (metaphorically) burn down the house when really all I need to do is get out more often.
I concede that I am about to be highly irrational about something. You can't talk me out of it, BUT maybe you can steer me in the right direction. Yes, this is in all likelihood a plea for attention, but that doesn't invalidate the premise that I need a sudden, irreversible life change.
Besides, I don't quite know what it is I'm gonna do just yet. I haven't yet ramped up to full-on manic psychosis yet. Right now I'm just pacing the halls, muttering darkly about radical change while amped on sugar and caffeine and generally making John Forbes Nash look stable in comparison. But when I decide on exactly how I'm gonna self-destruct, look out.
I mean, the last time I went on a bender, I pissed off an entire country.
No -- wait a minute.
This is the most Discordian thing I've ever done. I'm internalizing the ethos, embodying all that simultaneously creative and destructive about Chaos. I am changing my life, whatever it costs me, and I have no backup plan (because that would make me comfortable).
I am become Chaos. I am its avatar, its incarnation. Other Discordians can be POEE Priests, or Episkoposes, or even =POPES=. But I'll go one step further (because anything worth doing is worth over-doing, right?):
I am Eris, immaculately deceived and clothed in flesh. Which is why the bitch never answered my prayers in the first place. It all makes sense now.
Now playing: Bow Ever Down - Self Destruct