The Final Countdown: Who Wins, Who Loses?

Finally. We reach this, the final showdown. The last debate of the 2016 political free-for-all that's become so consistently embarrassing that it's now cliche to even call it a shit-show. So then, my thoughts?

• Moderator Chris Matthews opening with "None of the questions have been shared with the parties." Good. Makes for a pleasant change of pace, doesn't it, DNC?

Topic: Supreme Court

• Hillary, why are *you* against Citizens United and dark, unaccountable money? You wouldn't be standing there without it. 
• Trump's judges will be pro-life with a clearly conservative bent. There goes his chance with disenfranchised Bernie voters. 
• Hillary: "I support the second amendment." No, you don't. No further comment needed here.
• Roe V Wade: I'm with Her on this one. Not on the Planned Parenthood thing, but on Roe V Wade, definitely. Planned Parenthood has documented income outside the government, nearly half of it's income, and it could survive without it. Or better yet, incorporate it into existing health care structures. 
• Hillary on late-term abortion bans "When I voted as a senator I did not think that was the case." Did you not READ the case? 
• Trump, If they "rip the fetus out of the womb" 3-4 days before the due date, wouldn't that just be a cesarean, unless the baby turned out nonviable and a threat to the mother's health? 

Topic: Immigration

• Trump, there's a difference between a "path to citizenship" and amnesty. One actually involves making it easier for people to become citizens legally, the other just ignores the problem.
• He's not wrong, despite the meme of "Bad Hombres," about having some people that have crossed borders that need to be taken back. Have you seen Breaking Bad? I live in Albuquerque. I know people like that. It's practically a documentary. 
• Hillary: "I voted for border security in the senate." Yeah. A fence. Which acts much like a wall. 
• The words "Twitter War" just happened during a presidential debate.
• Trump: "Hillary Clinton wanted the wall." Called it. 
• Hillary: "New technology to protect the border." I read that as "drone strikes on the US/Mexico border by 2018. 
• Trump: "Obama has deported more people." Yep. He's right. ABC News even ran a story on this. 
• Hillary, stop manterrupting the moderator.
• OH GOD DAMN CHRIS MATTHEWS JUST QUOTED WIKILEAKS SPEECH BRAZILIAN BANK 225 THOUSAND DOLLARS HOLY HELL THE LOOK ON HER FACE
• Hillary's response to Wikileaks: "RED SCARE RED SCARE RED SCARE" 
• Wait, are we still on immigration? 
• Why *won't* anyone else say the words "radical Islamic terrorism?"
• Trump: "If Russia gets along with the US, that'd be good." Why is this a bad thing? I don't want another Cold War. Can we *please* make some kind of peace with Russia? 
• Hillary calling Trump a puppet is the only time I've ever seen "NO YOU" used as a valid defense.
• Trump, stop manterrupting the moderator.
• Both of these people want us to remain Team America World Police. Trump just wants us to get paid for it. 

Topic: Economy

• Hillary's not doing bad here. She's mentioned trades and apprenticeships, which is good because college degrees have been devalued over the last few generations. 
• Stop name-checking Bernie, Hillary. We haven't forgotten, and it's not making you look any better.
• So the basic difference here is Trump wants to invest in rich business owners, trusting them to spend that money to increase jobs. Hillary wants to invest in education and the middle class, trusting them to use that to better themselves. I think Hillary's got this one. With one caveat that she's ignoring. The income from being Team America World Police.
• I love Trump's strategy of "I've done all this shady shit, so I'm in a perfect position to identify it and remove it." He's not wrong, but god damn the balls it takes to say that. 
• Hillary: "Donald thinks belittling and attacking women makes him feel better." Hillary, Donald belittles and attacks everyone. Didn't you watch the RNC debates? Little Marco? Lyin Ted? Low Energy Jeb? He's not discriminating here. 
• "Make our country even greater" - Hillary Clinton, 2016
• "Nobody has more respect for women than I do." Still don't believe you, Trump. Neither does the audience.
• "Let's not be divisive, let's lift people up." Like you did Bernie, right, Hillary?
• "Took money to buy a six foot portrait. Who does that?" You trying to diss Copperhead's Biggie painting? 



God DAMN Luke Cage was good.

• Aaand we're back to tax returns.
• Trump has a good point here. How do we know Hillary won't protect her donors? 
• Trump: Media is corrupt. Media: TRUMP LITERALLY HITLER. 
• Hillary: "Media is fine." Media: SOMEBODY SAID WIKILEAKS CUT THE FEED.
• Trump says Hillary shouldn’t be allowed to run. So that makes two of you. 

Topic: Foreign Hotspots, or "What's a Mosul?"

• Do we want to put troops back to replace the troops we pulled out when we finished the job the first time? Ugh. But Trump is right about one thing: You don't telegraph your movements to your enemies. The people we're after probably *are* already gone. 
• Hillary: "You should ask Bernie Sanders who he's supporting for president" We would, but he's too busy In his third house. Which probably has a bathroom bigger than my flat.
• "What's an Aleppo?" A catastrophe. Have you seen it? Have you? HAVE YOU? 
• "If a Russian plane violates the no fly zone, does President Clinton shoot that plane down?" Oh boy. Here we go.
• "Women and children" Oh right. Women are the primary victims of war, right Hillary? Right? 
• It's swaths, Trump, not swatches. 
• GDP vs debt: "Why are both of you ignoring this?" God DAMN Christ Matthews you are a hero. 
• "I wonder when America really was great?" Comparatively speaking to the rest of the world? For a while now. Will both of you stop bashing the US? There's a hell of a lot of worse places to live than the US. 

Topic: Social security and Medicare

• What does Obamacare have to do with this? 
• In the middle of Hillary's answer Trump mutters "such a nasty woman." Oh Trump, we're gonna hear from VICE or Vox or Huffpo about that one. Or all of them. For a solid week. 
• Hillary please stop talking about HIS plan and start talking about yours. You've spent more time talking about his plan than yours. 
• "Emphasize wellness." Hillary, my right leg hurts. I have a nerve that misfires in my right thigh that causes pain, itching, numbness, whatever depending on its mood. I have a muscle in my hip that has me on a prescription for Valium because it tenses and squeezes another nerve. I have an ankle that was pulverized when I was 17 and still hurts, and I can't feel about 30% of my foot. Please tell me how wellness will help that, when my GP visits are 50% more expensive than they were a few years ago, and my insurance covers not even 20% of an MRI? 

I voted Obama. It's terribly conflicting when Trump says "You get four more years of Obama when you elect her" because that hope that was promised fizzled. But he's such a joke. This was surprisingly subdued for a final debate. Hillary is the ultimate culmination of generations of political breeding. She's the Apex Politician. Trump is a madman that's managed to calm down quite a bit. I still don't want either of these two. At this point, I can't help but lean more towards the mountain-climbing hippie pothead that doesn't seen to own a pair of slacks and sometimes randomly sticks his tongue out and forgets the names of cities and leaders. I feel like he'd do less harm to the country than either of these two.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to take a Valium to relax my hip muscle and a Vicodin to stop my thigh from burning and hope that whichever of these potential monsters takes over the country I can still afford them a year from now. Since this was the last debate, next week I'm going to take it easy and talk about a topic I enjoy and show you all something really neat I got. 

Salem is Still Doing Political Play-by-play?

Here we go again. Rooster vs Lizard, part 2, GO:

• The pre-game show: Bill Clinton vs Melania Trump. I'm waiting for Bill to jump her and try to chew her ear off. Literally. That's not a joke. 
• Oh damn. Broderick and company are in the audience? That's gotta be awkward. 
• "I want us to heal our country." - Hillary Clinton, 2016. 
• Do you mean you want... to... make America.... Great... Again? 
• "I want to make America Great Again." - Donald Trump, 2016
• Do you mean you want... to... Heal... Our... Country?
• Trump, you sound really subdued, bruv. You had a rough weekend? 
• "Nobody has more respect for women than I do." I really beg to disagree, Mister Trump. I'm not one of those people that's onboard with you being the devil or Literally Hitler, but I'm fairly certain that statement isn't true. 
• I really don't get the outrage over the #TrumpTapes. None of this stuff is shocking in context with other things he's said. Does make for good memes, though. 
• The reason Bill's proclivities keep coming up, if you'll allow me a bullet point to rant, is that the same people that say "Rape Culture" isn't people literally going around raping people unpunished, it's society's way of making excuses for it, are the people ignoring the legion of women that have accused Bill Clinton of sexual assault of varying degrees while Hillary either (according to varying reports) looks the other way or intimidates them into silence. Hillary is an enabler of Rape Culture. She's possibly the worst advocate for women that I can imagine. 
• "Mister Trump, were you a different man 11 years ago?" Scientifically speaking, he was a different man approximately 7 years ago when all of his cells shed and regenerated. Psychologically, who hasn't changed in 11 years? 11 years ago I was a con artist and not psychologically damaged to the extent I am now. 
• Aw, man, Trump even brought the victim of the guy Hillary defended way back in the day? Why didn't he just come on-stage smoking the cigar that Bill humidored with Monica? 
• Hey guys, Hillary has a website. Anyone know if she's written a book? 
• "Because you'd be in jail."
  
  

• Oh... Hillary took the bait. Trump kept badgering her about the emails and Hillary took the bait and got mad. Good. GOOD. GOOD, HILLARY. SHOW SOME PASSION. You almost convinced me you're not a lizard-person. I want to see you mad. I want to see you passionate. I want you to show me that you've got some kind of range of emotion. 
• You know, it's a recorded phenomenon that men use their health insurance less in general, and that's not even taking into account reproductive health services. Men pay more for car insurance because they're more prone to have to use it. Women paid more for health insurance because they were more prone to go to the doctor instead of waiting it out. 
• How many times can Trump name-drop Bernie Sanders in 90 minutes? Let's find out, as he baits the anti-establishment crowd for all he's got. 
• "Is it OK for a politician to be two-faced?" This is a question that someone asked a politician. Props to Hillary for bringing up Lincoln. Lincoln personally believed black people were inferior, but was still the figurehead of the anti-slavery movement. Do I believe Hillary can hold heinous beliefs and still do good things? Do I believe the opposite instead? 
• Hillary, you bring up Russia as often as Tim Kaine brings up Tax Returns. 
• Speak of the devil, there's the tax returns. 
• Trump, channeling Tyrion Lannister: "Wouldn't be nice if we could work WITH Russia?" In a recent episode of Game of Thrones, Tyrion reminded Grey Worm that "You make peace with your enemies, not your friends." 
• That said, I don't particularly want Trump as president, but I also don't want Cold War 2.0. 
• On taxes: "Everything Donald says isn't true." Really? I want George Soros's tax returns, then. 
• On Syria: "What's an Aleppo?"
• Trump, with all the complaining about time limits and interruptions, you're starting to sound like Ted Cruz. You made fun of him for that. 
• Oh boy, we're talking The Deplorables. Are we going to get a Rare Pepe out of this? 
• Hillary: "The campaign Bernie Sanders and I ran." U FOKIN WAT M8? 
• Calling it now: Huffington Post runs a headline about how trump saying "Rejiggering" is racist.
• "Name one positive thing you respect in the other." Oh, this is gonna be good. 
• Hillary: "He's got good kids." What, you mean the one with the M&Ms and Rapists Skittles and refugee picture? 
• Trump: "She doesn't quit and she doesn't give up. She's a fighter." Damn. Taking the high road, Trump. Good shot.

I call no winner. I call Mulligan. This is basically my impression. 

The Greatly Anticipated Vice Presidential Debate!!

*sounds of loud snoring*

Salem!

mmnnnoofivemoreminutes

Salem, wake up. There's a debate on.

Fine. Let's get this over with. Bland guy versus bland guy, GO!

• Tim Kaine is leaning really heavily on the whole 'proud of running alongside a woman' thing and Trump fear-mongering. 
• Pence is discussing his own experience. Reminds me very much of one of those military officers that has to make a hard decision in a movie seconds before the hero saves the day. Like that guy Glenn Morshower always plays.
• Tim, stop trying to convince me Hillary is passionate. Lizards are cold-blooded. 
• Pence is right, Tim. You and The Hill do spend an awful lot of time talking about Trump and not about yourselves. Stop trying to convince me to vote against somebody and convince me to vote FOR somebody. 
• STOP MANTERRUPTING, TIM
• At this point I can't tell these two apart aside from Pence's luscious silver hair. 
• Wage gap? Really? How many laws have to be on the books before we admit it's not *because* of gender? 
• More tax returns. Yes, Tim. He probably should release them. Yes, Mike, he does pay payroll taxes, or more specifically Trump Enterprises (or whatever it's called) does. What's *he* paying on *his* income? 
• Oh god race relations. Generally my opinion of someone drops drastically when they use the words "dumpster fire" but this one qualifies. 
• "I'm a gun owner and I support the 2nd Amendment" - Tim Kaine, 2016. Tim, are you running on the right party, bruh? 
• Pence, to Kaine: "I agree with you on community policing." Wow... uh.. Can we ditch Trump and The Hill and just have these two run on a ticket together? 
• I take it back. TIM, SERIOUSLY, STOP MANTERRUPTING
• Tim Kaine hates context. I bet he'd be a good writer for Salon. 
• "Criminal Aliens." I'm not sure if that'd be more or less offensive to a progressive than "illegal immigrant." Or Gary Johnson. Chill, Gary. 
• Uh, oh. Tim brought up the Irish. Don't bring up the Irish, Tim. The identity politics people will eat you alive if you remind them the Irish had problems. 
• "What's so enjoyable about nuclear war?" says old man who has clearly never played a Fallout game.
• These two have about as much concept of the passage of time as their running mates.
• TIM YOU JUST MANTERRUPTED THE FEMALE PERSON OF COLOUR MODERATOR WHAT ARE YOU DOING
• What's an Aleppo? 
• Damn, Tim. Bringing up Trump's tax returns in that 15 year period in relation to 9/11. Ok. That was a good blow. Low, but good. Not sure what it has to do with whatever an Aleppo is, though. 
• Tim's answer to everything is tax returns. Russia? Tax returns. The Clinton Foundation? Tax returns. Nuclear proliferation? Tax returns. Zombie outbreak? Tax returns. Killer clowns? Shotgun. (I mean, come on, he *did* say he was a gun owner)
• Wait, how do you know Trump owes so much money to Chinese banks without his (everybody, now!) TAX RETURNS?
• Fuck me, the Democratic VP candidate is a bible-quoting Catholic. Somebody get me a source on Pence's denomination. 
• Why is the Republican wearing a blue tie and the Democrat wearing a red tie? I mean they're mic'd right. Tim's mic is on the left, Pence's on the right, but the ties are the wrong colour. I can't be the only one that noticed this. 

I came away from this with the impression of Tim Kaine as a spastic, unprofessional, and over-eager child, and Pence as a leader, if not an overly charismatic one. I can't take Tim seriously. At all. Pence, on the other hand, seems a more solid candidate than any of the ones that were in the GOP primary. I honestly don't think Trump deserves him, and I think this might be a long-game in which if Trump wins, Pence is going to be doing most of the work with Trump as a figurehead. If Trump loses, we'll see Pence running against The Hill in 4 years (assuming she makes it that far). 

[author's note: The show must go on. Erin is, as we're all aware, currently in rapid transit away from a monster storm and will probably be unavailable tomorrow. I'll fill you all in on an anecdote or two regarding my own experiences of evacuation instead.]

Orange Rooster vs Poorly Disguised Silurian, GO!

My unedited first impressions as I listened to the first Trump vs Clinton debate this evening while working:

• Both of you, stop referring to "very small loans." A very small loan is the $20 I lent the guy at the comic shop. He paid it back by giving me a ride when someone stole the battery out of my car. 
• "I call it Trumped Up Trickle Down." Hillary, quit trying to be funny. Funny doesn't work for you. 
• Moderator says "Mister Trump, you have two minutes." Ten minutes later, Trump is still talking. Donald Trump is a complicated space-time event. No moderator can contain him. 
• Yes, Trump is sniffling. It's allergy season. Sniffling isn't quite on the level of collapsing from 'heat exhaustion' in 85 degree weather. 
• Hillary, stop putting Bill's accomplishments on your resume. 
• The twenty minute mark. That's where the personal attacks start, and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they d
• Hillary, quit shilling your book and your website. 
• Hillary's feed cuts out at 24 minutes approximately. Was she replaced with a body double? Hologram? Silurian? Was she already a Silurian and they replaced her with another, higher ranking Silurian? Madame Vastra, what do you think? 
• Hillary, would you like my tax returns? I haven't paid taxes either. I've gotten returns every year, except for the one where HR screwed up after my divorce, because I'm not in your tax bracket. I can't even see your tax bracket from where I am. 
• "What is he hiding?" - Hillary Clinton, 2016
• Trump, "That makes me smart" is one of the most tone-deaf things I think I've ever heard considering your constant referral to the shrinking middle class.
• Although he does have a good point. If he's spent his entire career exploiting loopholes for rich people, he would know how to plug them. But would he? 
• I really don't care if braggadocious isn't a word. It's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. 
• Hillary, why are you putting so much focus on whether or not he's as rich as he says he is? I rather think I'd like a president that's not rich. *coughClintonFoundationcough*
• Hillary calling for criminal justice reform. Mysteriously absent: references to super predators.
• Both candidates endorse the watch list. Fuck me sideways with a school crossing sign. I want both of you to tell me, how do you get on the watch list? How do you get off the watch list? Who makes the decision? Who has oversight on who makes the decision? I have possible familial ties to what some people consider a terrorist organization in another country. What if I'm on the watch list? How will I know? How would I get off the list? This really bothers me. 
• Hillary, how is it a racist lie that Obama wasn't born in the US? Is race determined by location of birth now? Was it a racist lie that Ted Cruz wasn't born in the US? 
• According to the detective I spoke to after my PayPal account was hacked, China is behind the cyber-security attacks. They're stockpiling nuclear running shoes, I hear. 
• Oh. Russia. RED SCARE, EVERYONE! RED SCARE! 
• Hillary has now also become a complicated space-time event. Neither of these people have an understanding of time limits. I don't trust either of them to stay only four years in office. 
• "We must use the internet to stop ISIS." MEME WAR! NOW SUMMON THE RARE PEPES!
• Hey guys, did you know Hillary has a website? 
• "I have a better temperament than her." HAHAHAHAHHAHAlkh;laksdjs;dlka
• No, for real, I hear that (in private) you really do, because I've heard anecdotes about how The Hill's a terrible person to work with. 
• There used to be an old Vulcan saying: "Only Nixon could go to China." The Vulcans -- those that remain after the Abrams Event -- now say "Only Trump could go to China." 
• "I am against Team America World Police." - Trump, 2016
• Hillary, pregnancy IS an inconvenience to employers. Employees have to take time off to have a baby. It may only be a short leave as labor starts and then recovery, but it's still time missed. This is an objective fact. 
• Wait, there's going to be a VICE presidential debate? Between Pence and Kaine? I'm going to need a mountain of crystal meth to stay conscious during this.
  

I can't vote for either of these people. I voted for Obama; at the time, I was still a progressive, so I may have uttered "It's about time it wasn't an old white guy." I think, honestly, I just couldn't imagine a Mormon in office.

I think I'm going to vote for the guy who didn't know what Aleppo was. I didn't know what Aleppo was, either.