Because I don't like leaving good material on Facebook

"Racist, Bush's fault" has been replaced with "Racist, Trump's fault." Please update your self-flagellexicon accordingly.

(Yes, I coined the term "flagellexicon". You may use it in your personal dealings; just credit me if asked.)

This is just a friendly reminder that it's not politically correct to misgender people while insulting them. The proper terms of deploring are:

• Shitlord (male)
• Shitlady (female)
• Shitperson (gender neutral)

If you wish to indicate a teenager/young adult, you may use

• Shitlad (male)
• Shitlass (female)
• Shitteen & Shittwenty (neutral)

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
Shitlady Erin Palette

WNW: Or as the British call it, "a spanner"

For those who don't get the title, clearly you weren't around the internet during summer 2012.

Anyway, enjoy this "not precisely SFW" montage of techno music, written profanity, and Jeremy Clarkson. H/T to Salem for posting this on his Facebook wall a while back.





Also, now I have the phrase "edging like a mad cunt" permanently embedded into my lexicon of profanity.

WNW: Funny advertisements (NSFW)

One of these is absolutely real, the other is false but still funny.  I leave it up to you to decide which is which. 

Advertisement One:

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all."

She thought to herself, 'I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!'

She sent in her entry, and several weeks later a black car pulled up in front of her house. A large man got out, knocked on her door, and said, "Ma'am, the president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry. So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000, even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

Here it is:

Advertisement Two:

This video.    (H/T to Evyl Robot for the link. )

WNW: Creative Profanity

I have to admit, I learned some new combinations watching this video. It's nearly a year old, but it's the first time I've seen it, so perhaps some of you haven't seen it as well.

Enjoy, you candy-cane dildoing Santa sodomizers.(NSFW)

How to Curse Properly, Part 5

Here I was, thinking that I had finished instructing my faithful readers on how to swear effectively, when it suddenly dawned on me that not only had I not closed out my series with any sort of an adequate ending, but I also completely neglected collegiate-level cursing, a.k.a multisyllabic invective.

Now, any proper halfwit can string together a series of potty words and call it a day, but that's hardly what I'd call poetic profanity. The problem, of course, lies in the simple fact that complex cursing which is both visceral and eviscerating is unique, made upon the spur of the moment and tailored to fit both the target and the situation.

It's rather like teaching someone to paint. Sure, you can impart the basic techniques (which I have done) but the execution relies upon the soul of the artist. I suppose one could memorize a series of complex put-downs, just as painters often copy the works of the great masters, but the drawback is that to maximize their application one must remove the specificity of the insults, and that greatly reduces their sting.

Besides, "fuck" never really goes out of style, but you can only use "cum-guzzling gutter whore" a limited number of times before it becomes passe.

Fortunately for you, I have a solution:

"Palette's Guide to Proper and Professional Profanity: A Usage Guide"
Whereas Dear Abby deals with life issues and Miss Manners has etiquette, I have decided to devote part of my time towards crafting an advice column regarding -- you guessed it -- the propriety and perpetuation of profanity.

In a question and answer format, I will provide advice and instruction on the proper ways to curse in different situations and environments, as well as helping you craft a devastating invective to unleash upon your nemeses. Naturally, this will require that people actually submit questions, either through the comment page or by emailing erin dot palette at gmail dot com.

I look forward to answering your questions, and helping everyone achieve maximum pleasure from saying naughty words in inappropriate ways.

How to Curse Properly, Part 4

At long last, here we are.

The queen of curses. The cake, the dessert, the rich creamy filling you've all been waiting for.

FUCK

As the above video so aptly demonstrates, fuck is the go-to vulgarity for any situation or occasion. Indeed, it could be said that it's fucking versatile. But as with its sister word "shit", the use of fuck in this manner has robbed the Anglo-Saxon masterpiece of much of its grotesque beauty and power. However, a simple mater of proper pornographic pronunciation can solve this problem, putting the f-bomb back in its rightful place atop the fuckheap.

Fuh-ckkkkkkkkk!

If "shit" is a rapier, then "fuck" is a truncheon. It is the large, heavy ugly-stick of the curse family. While it can be wielded efficiently in a singular form, akin to a club to the back of the head, it is far more effective -- not to mention satisfying -- to unleash it as a flurry of blows. It is the uppercut of profanity, slamming again and again into your opponent's solar plexus.

Done properly, "fuck" does not suffer from overkill. You can state it, scream it, moan it, groan it, gurgle it and mumble it, all without losing its effectiveness. However, the "slap to the face" effect is enhanced by shouting -- this is what you scream at the top of your lungs when you desire to get someone's attention, or make them cower before your wrath.

1. The first part of the word is basic, almost fundamental in its simplicity. The "fuh" sound is a breathy cough, an almost painful exhalation. Note that to achieve maximum power, you must "fuh" from your diaphragm and not your stomach. Fully extending and relaxing your jaw as you perform this maneuver greatly helps with step 2.

2. Whereas the power of "shit" lies in its buildup, "fuck" gains its punch from the follow-through, and this is where the full weight of the profanity comes crashing down. To use a baseball analogy, "fuh" is tossing the ball into the air; the "ckkkkk" sound is the crack of the bat. It needs to come from the back of your throat, full-bodied and crackling, like the roar of static on an empty channel or the sizzling of bacon in a frying pan. Curl your lips, bare your teeth, and snarl as you hiss-gargle-spit the wonderfully harsh consonants.

The beauty of "fuck" lies in its wonderfully easy windup and dynamite pitch. Done properly, you can cycle it with hardly any effort.

How to Curse Properly, Part 3

Warning: From this point onward, things get hot & salty. Children, small animals, and Candlegirls should stay away lest they die of embarrassment.

Shit

Ah, good ol' scatology. Without it, and its sister expression for intercourse, the American vernacular would be much less vulgar. While not as versatile as "fuck", shit still has many uses; in sufficiently casual conversation, it can be used as a placeholder for a great many concepts ("What is this shit?" "I hate this shit," etc). In certain subcultures, such as the military, it can even be used as a comma.

The effective upshot of this is that as an actual profanity -- i.e., something that desecrates, violates, corrupts, or otherwise makes profane -- shit is beginning to lose some of its power. Therefore, proper pronunciation is essential for when you mean to use shit as an actual profanity meant to shock and/or offend, instead of just another word used to salt a conversation.

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhIT!

If it takes you longer than one second to say this, you're doing it wrong. Shit is the rattlesnake of profanity -- the long "shhh" of the buildup is akin to the rattling of a tail, with "IT!" being the venomous strike. The longer the "shh", the more forceful the "IT!" must be.

However, keep in mind that shit is not a blunt weapon to be used willy-nilly (that honor belongs to "fuck"). Shit is a precision profanity, a rapier whose thrust to the ego of your opponent is fatal if well-aimed; improperly used, it is but a papercut that only serve to annoy.

Used as a coup de grace, at the end of an insulting sentence, its effects are devastating. Its elegance lies in its simplicity:

1. If you've ever forcibly shushed someone in a library or a movie theater, you know how to do this. Narrow your eyes and "shhhh!" menacingly.

2. The "IT!" sound must be forceful, but not necessarily loud. Think of a shot from a silenced pistol : short and snappy. You never, EVER shout "shit". You may cough it, wheeze it, grunt it or spit it, but if you're shouting you're using the wrong vulgarity. Again, think of a snake bite or a dagger thrust.


An interesting variation I would like to detail here is what I call "diarrhea":

shitshitshitshitshitshitshit

In this variation, "shit" is used like a boxer's jab: still quick, snappy, and strong, but the strong buildup is replaced with rapid-fire repetition. This is used in times of duress and/or panic, rather than as an insult. Still, you can't possibly shout it effectively; this is what you mutter under your breath as you try to keep your car from skidding off the road.

How to Curse Properly, Part 2

Damn

There are actually two versions of this expletive: Northern and Southern. Though I prefer the Southern variation (Florida, y'all) I will instruct you in both techniques.

Northern Style:
Dddddddaaaaaaaaaammmmmmnnnnn

This is essentially a prolonged stutter, expressing bewilderment or appreciation. It needs to be uttered in one long exhalation. It is the profane equivalent of a long, low whistle.

1. The "ddddddd" sound at the beginning is made as if you're talking through chattering teeth. Under no circumstances should the individual d's be pronounced, but neither should you slur them together. Instead, it should be a barely audible "duhduhduhduhduhduhduh", as if you were imitating an idling motorcycle. Jaw movement should be minimal, with the majority of work performed by the tip of the tongue against the back of the top front teeth.

2. Open your mouth as wide as possible as you approach the "a" sound, but keep your jaw in the same basic position as before. Your cheeks should be high and tight, as if you were forcing a particularly vapid smile. The "a" itself needs to be short, but extend its pronunciation as long as possible. When you feel you are running out of breath, move on to step 3.

3. Close your lips while maintaining the "a" sound; convert to a humming "mmm" once you have achieved full closure. Let yourself run out of air on this last bit and fade the word into silence.

Southern Style:
DAY-um!

Southern Style pronunciation is like a Sine Wave: up, then down. Its use is more of a catcall or wolf whistle, and is generally complimentary, albeit in an incredulous manner.

1. Open your jaw as far as it will go in one explosive motion. The "DAY" should literally pop from your mouth, and it's difficult (though not impossible) to say it too loudly. If you feel like a barnyard animal while performing this maneuver, you're doing it properly.

2. Quickly close your mouth, as if you were attempting to swallow your previous statement. The "um" sound should be performed behind sealed lips, as if you were enjoying a delicious bite of food. The noise level of this step needs to be much, much lower than the first. Again, think of a sine wave, or a heartbeat.

How To Curse Properly

In honor of the Annual Bloodletting, aka Tax Day, I have have decided that, as a public service, I will teach you all how to curse properly.

But Palette, I hear you whinging, I already know how to curse. The potty words, they are second nature to me.

No, you don't. You may think you know how to curse, but in truth you and cursing are like two virgins fumbling in the back of car on prom night: you have a rough idea of how things should go, but you've never really gone all the way. Mark Twain once said, "Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer." If you haven't felt that relief then, in LOLcat parlance, ur doin it wrong.

Over the course of this week, I shall give instruction on how to Curse With Relief. We will start with simple, PG-13 words and work our way down into the mire of increasingly complex profanity.

Heed, listen, and learn.

Crap

Many people pronounce this as one syllable. Many people are wrong. This is in fact a multi-syllabic experience that can take several seconds to pronounce when done properly:

Cuh-rrrr-AP(uh)!

1. The first syllable should be short, harsh, and breathy, as if you were coughing or speaking the "ch" sound in chutzpah. Pay special attention to the pitch, as you should start high and rapidly fall at the end. If you manage to sound like you've just run a mile, so much the better.

2. Now that you're at a low point, shift from breathy exhalation to an alveolar trill, better known as "rolling your r's". You may if you wish adopt a slight accent for this; both Spanish and Scottish work well for this purpose, and I myself favor the latter. Either way, your voice should begin rising in both pitch and intensity, much as Ed MacMahon did with his "Heeeeeerrrrrrrre's Johnny!" introduction.

3. The final syllable should practically explode from your mouth as you over-enunciate the "puh" sound your lips make when forming a P. In fact, if you can eject spittle from your mouth whilst popping your P, you are indeed a curser of the highest order.

Tomorrow: Damn