Panzerfrau

PANZERFRAU

Also Known As: the Tank Wife, Armor Woman, Iron Lady, and combinations thereof; the Prussian Princess of Pistons; the Orgone Orgier; the Prussianatrix
Real name: Cybele Rhamnusia (née Rhamnusia Nemesis; named changed upon split with her father)
Occupation: Technofetishist, would-be world conqueror and only recognized heir of Nemesis
Identity: Public
Legal status: Panzerfrau has no legal citizenship, as her country of birth is unknown and no nation is willing to claim her
Place of birth: One of Nemesis’ many secret bases around the world; precise location unknown
Marital status: Single and loving it
Known relatives: Nemesis, the Prussian Prince of Automata (father); Marlene Dietrich (mother, deceased)
Group affiliation: Masters of Mayhem (for as long as it amuses her)
Base of operations: Currently at large in the Rogue Isles
Height: 5’7”
Weight: Unknown. Panzerfrau is sensitive about her weight, and thus scales refuse to give accurate measurements
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Red


History:
The woman that would one day be known as Panzerfrau was born in the late 1940s. The actual date is undisclosed, but scholars of such things place her birth after the end of World War II but before Nemesis’ nerve gas attack on Washington, DC.

Born, actually, is not quite correct; “decanted” would be the proper term. It is unknown how Nemesis acquired Marlene Dietrich's genetic material, but DNA testing performed in the 1990s bears out the allegation that Rhamnusia Nemesis is her biological daughter. It is presumed that the male donor is none other than Nemesis himself, and that Panzerfrau is a test-tube baby.

Little is known about her early years, save that she traveled extensively, was given an education befitting a super-genius, and was denied human contact through puberty. This last edict was rescinded following an unfortunate event when she was 16: in an attempt to better conform to what she perceived as her father’s ideal of beauty, she amputated her right arm and replaced it with one from a Nemesis Automaton. Psychologists believe this was her first serious foray into technofetishism (see below).

The 1960s were a turbulent decade for the Nemesis “family”. After attaining her majority and being granted the right of human contact, she quickly fell in with the wrong crowd and committed the unforgivable sin: she began to question her father’s wisdom. In this case, the “wrong crowd” equaled believers in Reich’s theory of Orgone energy. As a biological with machine parts that drew energy from herself, she felt that this nascent technology best represented who she was. Within a year she had refit her Jaeger to run off of bio-energy that she generated and stored within power cells of her own devising.

This simple act of “finding herself” was seen by Nemesis not as simple teenage rebellion, but as rank betrayal of the worst sort. When he commanded her to destroy her prototypes, she refused. When he destroyed her lab, she fled, taking only her notes and personal fortune, and disappeared into the third world.

It is unknown how many brushfire wars were the result of the feud between Nemesis and his daughter, who had renamed herself Cybele, but it is widely believed that the Rhodesian War was one of them. A typical pattern was this: Nemesis would send soldiers to capture, or perhaps kill his daughter; she would evade or destroy them. As reprisal, she would thwart one of his schemes or reveal it to local heroes, then escape (often with Nemesis resources) in the ensuing confusion. Nemesis’ pride would then demand that he not allow this insult to go unanswered, and thus the cycle would begin again, only with greater measures and higher stakes.

It is perhaps this same pride that prevented Nemesis from disowning his daughter. To his way of thinking, only one truly of his blood could thwart his brilliant schemes so thoroughly and still live. However much his anger at her grew, so did his respect of her abilities and, grudgingly, of the technology that she commanded.

The rules of this war changed in the 1980s, following what can only be described as a “summit meeting” in Switzerland. Nemesis swore that he would no longer seek the destruction of his daughter, who had proven worthy of being named his heir. Instead, their war would be one of technological supremacy. In short: whoever takes over the world first, wins.

This marked the first appearance of Panzerfrau on the supervillain scene, and life has not been easy for her. In addition to vying with her father for world supremacy, she must now contend with other villain groups and that most annoying of all x-factors, superheroes. Following the loss of much of her resources after a disastrous defeat at the hands of Kenku (herself a legacy hero, daughter of The Raven, hero of Baltimore), she was remanded to Ziggursky Penitentiary for rehabilitation. Having managed to escape, she must now rebuild her financial and criminal empire, and to that end has allied herself with the Masters of Mayhem, a loose alliance of megalomaniacs and would-be world conquerors, whose general mission statement seems to be "First we defeat all the heroes, and then we fight each other to determine who rules the world."




Powers and Equipment:
Panzerfrau possesses no known superhuman abilities. However, her human abilities are more than sufficient to make her a force to be reckoned with. Genetically engineered and raised from birth to be the successor of the most brilliant and twisted mind of the 19th and 20th centuries, she is a Machiavellian supergenius whose command of the sciences is not hindered by such petty things as ethics or morality.

An inspired inventor, Panzerfrau is constantly inventing new technologies in her never-ending quest for world domination, and as such, her capabilities are likely to change on a case-by-case basis. However, there are three pieces of equipment she is never without:

1. An orgone gun, which stores and fires bolts of bio-energy. These discharges can knock a hole in a bank vault at full strength, or they can stun a target through over-stimulation of its pleasure centers.
2. A suit of body armor designed not only to protect, but also to flatter and enhance her already formidable figure. This suit has the ability to fly and project force fields (technology stolen and extrapolated from her father) and also has built-in life support.
3. Her Panzers:
• Wild Weasel, Double Tap, and Jackrabbit, disposable drones armed with rapid-fire orgone guns;
  
• Sturm and Drang, shield-generating robots that repair the other Panzers and serve as her personal bodyguards;
• and Umlaut, a ten-foot tall Assault Panzer equipped with rocket pods, heavy orgone cannons and a flamethrower.
  

Technofetishism:
Imagine if, from birth, you were surrounded by machinery. Your nanny was an automaton, as were all your teachers. Your first puppy was really a Jaeger. Your father was locked into a suit of armor and, to this day, you have never seen his face. If all this transpired, two things would be certain to occur:

1) You’d transfer feelings of affection normally reserved for other human beings onto machinery.
2) You’d be very, very screwed up psychosexually.

Panzerfrau doesn’t just love machines; she loves them carnally. You might look at a sports car, or a jet fighter, or a sleek piece of technology and think, “I love the way that looks.” She looks at the same thing and thinks, “What a sexy piece of technology. I’d like to fuck it.”

For her, an armored chassis equals six-pack abs. Decorative filigree is lingerie. A long, powerful cannon is a penis, and the breech of that same weapon is a vagina. It’s all sexual, and it’s all for her pleasure. And yes, she generates the orgone that powers her equipment in exactly the manner you think she does. Not for nothing is she called the "Tank Wife"...

However, for all of this, she’s not a slut. Quality is quality, after all! A simple gun won’t do it for her, in the same way that a cheeseburger won’t satisfy a gourmet. No, it has to be elegant, it has to have craftsmanship, it has to have that certain je ne sais quoi that separates the fashionable from the jejune.

A checklist:

• Is it big?
• Is it powerful?
• Is it sublime or ridiculous in scope?
• Is it, in some way, artistic?

If the answers to the above are "yes", then it turns her on.




Motivation and Personality:
Panzerfrau engages in schemes of conquest and dominion because, quite frankly, it’s the family business. She was raised to believe that not only is she better than everyone else, but that it’s her destiny to rule. Her educational curriculum resembled that of a military aristocrat in Borgia Italy or Czarist Russia: History, philosophy, tactics, literature, politics, war, economics, science, and etiquette. Oh, and assassination.

Think of a classic Bond villain, like Dr. No, and you’re not far off. She doesn’t kill unless pressed, because it’s far better to have living subjects who can serve and worship her. Her ego is monolithic, her confidence unshakable, and this is not unwarranted; remember that during the decades she was feuding with her father, she survived the numerous assassination attempts he threw at her, while managing to thwart enough of his schemes to prevent him from dismissing her.

If she chooses to gloat over a defeated hero instead of delivering the coup de grace; if she throws said hero into a deathtrap and then leaves to attend to “more pressing matters”; if she painstakingly explains her master plan just so that someone – someone – will be able to appreciate its breathtaking scope and cunning depth…

… well, that’s just how things are done, you see. Well-bred villains understand these things. Etiquette must always be observed.


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Now playing: And One - Panzer Mensch
via FoxyTunes

WNW: Almost got 'im

In continuation of Villain Week, I present one of the best episodes of the already great Batman: the Animated Series.







Where's the wackiness, you say?

Well, the reveal at 3:30 cracks me up...

A More Horrible Ending

Fair warning: I'm going to assume that anyone who wanted to watch Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog has already done so. If you haven't, you're too late, since it only ran for a week and it's since been pulled. If you want to see it, then buy it on iTunes or wait for the DVD to come out or torrent it.

Which is a longwinded way of saying "Here there be spoilers."

Now, I think the vast majority of us will agree that, as a whole, the DHSAB project was excellent. (Who knew Neil Patrick Harris could sing? Not I.) I believe we are also in similar agreement that Acts 1 and 2 were near-perfect.

The problem, however, comes with Act 3.

Really, at this point anyone who is surprised by Joss brutally slaughtering an innocent, beloved character has only themselves to blame. And yet, the interblogwebosphere is aglow with thousands of flames, as if an oilfield of fandom was ablaze with thick, viscous clouds of "OMG HOW COULD YOU JOSS" or "Her death totally undermines her status as a strong feminist character" or "Blah blah blah rattle pootie tootie" rising into the sky, their acrid odor choking all observers.

As you may have guessed, I too have some problems with the execution of Act 3. I also think Joss fumbled a critical scene -- but not in the way you think I think he did. My thoughts, let me show you them:

Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is, fundamentally, about loss of innocence. Some salient points, below, and then my rewrite of the scene.


Act 1

• Our protagonist is named Billy -- not Bill, not William, but Billy, a child's name.
• His alternate persona, Doctor Horrible, dresses entirely in white, the color of purity. (If you wanted to get really fancy, you could mention that while he has black goggles, they sit, unused, on his forehead instead of being worn properly. This is indicative of the dark future which looms over him but has yet to claim him.)
  
• Captain Hammer, however, is dressed in blacks and browns, shades associated with corruption.
• Based on all of this, and the way both interact with Penny, it could be reasonably inferred that Billy is a virgin, and Captain Hammer clearly isn't. Billy = white gloves = innocent; Captain Hammer = black gloves = not at all innocent. In fact, it's hard to find a single redeeming quality about ol' Hammer.

Act 2

• At this point we can see the beginning of Billy's change to "true" evil. The man who in the first act refused to fight someone in Dooley Park "because there's kids there" is now opening wondering, in song, if "throwing poison in the water main" would change anything in the way the human race behaves. He even states outright that "It's plain to see/ evil inside of me/ is on the rise."
  
• Instead of objecting to murder on moral grounds, his arguments turn toward style. "Killing's not elegant or creative." He's already on the slippery slope.
• And then, during the confrontation with Hammer in the laundromat, you can practically see the change come over him as he decides that, yes, murder is his style after all:
  

  It's a brand new day
  And the sun is high
  All the birds are singing
  That you're gonna die
  How I hesitated
  Now I wonder why
  It's a brand new day

• This is also the first time that Billy self-identifies as "evil".

Act 3

Given all that has transpired in the previous acts, two things are clear: One, Billy fully intends to kill Captain Hammer; and Two, he has to psych himself up to do it. Billy is not at all cool and calculating when it comes to murder, which is possibly the entire point of the "Slipping" song -- he's getting into character, as it were, working up the necessary rage toward his enemy -- otherwise, he'd just kill him and have done with it all.

But then there's that scene where shrapnel from the exploding death ray kills Penny, and while it's powerful, it doesn't organically complete the arc of character development we've been evolving throughout the previous acts. No, Billy is all set to kill his nemesis, the freeze ray malfunctions, and suddenly this story about loss of innocence and the conscious embrace of evil has its biggest moment subverted by malfunctioning equipment.

That's a cheat. The story of Billy and Penny deserves better than that. Here, then, is how I would have done it:

Billy: (singing) It's gonna be bloody/ Head up Billy buddy/ There’s no time for mercy/ Here goes no mercy...

[Enter stage right Penny, who runs between Billy and Captain Hammer]

Penny: Billy, stop!

Billy: Penny, what are you.... wait, Billy? How did you... ?

Penny: [indicating the goggles on his face] Well, it's not like you wear a mask.

Billy: Oh.

Penny: And you have a video blog.

Billy: Right.

Penny: And...

Billy: (interrupting) I get it!

Penny: But even though I knew you were Dr. Horrible, I was still your friend. Because I could see the good inside of you. You have a good heart, Billy, you're just misguided. I hoped that, by being your friend, maybe I could turn your villainous impulses into something more constructive. More... good.
Billy: (speechless)

Penny: But if you kill Captain Hammer -- if you commit murder, Billy -- then I can never, ever be your friend again.

[At this point, Billy goes into another verse of "Slipping". I won't pretend that I can write believable lyrics, but they should convey the mixed emotions he feels. Because, whatever he does, he loses. If he does as Penny asks, then the woman he loves go off with his greatest enemy, and he doesn't get into the E.L.E, and Bad Horse will probably kill him. But if he kills Hammer, then once again he loses Penny, and worse, she hates him for the rest of her life.

So, mad with passion and obsession and regret, he makes the only choice he feels he can make. It isn't a logical choice, of course -- the lyrics and the singer must make this clear -- but it the choice of a man with thwarted desires and a broken heart and more than just a little anger.]

Billy: (resuming his place after the song) I'm sorry, Penny. I'm really sorry it has to end like this. But... I'm Dr. Horrible, after all.

Penny: What do you...

[Billy SHOOTS HER DEAD.]

Billy: ...

[Penny slumps to the floor. Billy takes aim at the still-frozen Captain Hammer. The Freeze Ray shuts down. The scene continues essentially as it did before, just minus the last words with Penny. After Captain Hammer flees the scene, the reality of the situation sinks in, and Billy picks up the lifeless Penny while singing "Everything I Ever."]

With this, the final scenes become more poignant and more relevant:

"Now the nightmare's real." Yes, but whose nightmare?

"Now Dr. Horrible is here." With the death of Penny, Billy is gone... only Dr. Horrible remains. He sheds his virginal white and garbs himself in red and black, the colors of death. For the first time, he puts the goggles over his eyes, covering the traditional "windows to the soul" with opaque black glass.

"And I won't feel...." Because he is a true villain now. Instead of having been granted his wish through comic misadventure, the conscious choice to kill Penny -- even in the heat of the moment, even if it was a decision he would not have made were he thinking clearly -- cleanly and logically closes the character arc. He's no longer pure.

As the chorus intones, he has "Everything he ever [wanted]."

"... a thing." And yet, in that same instant, he's lost everything. Innocence, purity... his soul.



EDIT:

Jesus, people.

I do not need 20+ posts telling me "ZOMG U GOT IT WRONG."

At this point, you're just rehashing the same old points over and over again.

And nothing you say will make me change my mind, either.

I respect your opinions. Kindly respect mine.


SECOND EDIT, MARCH 2011:

Enough is enough. It's been three years, and I'm still getting hate mail about this post. I'm mature enough as a writer to take criticism of my work, but I'm tired of the personal attacks. Therefore, I'm closing comments. If you want to see the kind of abuse I've been getting, go check out Unholy Ram's comment, which has been left as an illustrative example.