I hate you all. Please die immediately.
Um... wow, Palette. Isn't that incredibly harsh?
Not really. Barring a short 5 year stint up in Washington DC, I have lived in Florida since 1987. I wasn't born here -- I grew up in a military family, so as a child I got used to moving to a new continent every 3-5 years -- but I am a fully naturalized Floridian. I graduated from high school here. I went to college here. I am a Florida girl. This is my home, and I love it, hurricane season and all. I'm like a goth Superman, sent to the Sunshine State aboard a speeding U-Haul. Call me Fla-El.
(Did you know Florida natives are an endangered species? It's true. There are more New Yorkers and New Jerseyites than Floridians in Florida. Of course, I think the Italians are about to be supplanted by the Russians, who are busy carving a New Moscow out of Flagler County with the help of the Organizatskaia.)
Daytona is indisputably a tourist town: Bike Week, Spring Break, Black College Reunion, Speed Weeks, Biketoberfest, plus all the summer vacationers who come to see The World's Most Famous Beach. And let's not forget the snowbirds, those @#%^%! Yankees who come down here for 6 months out of the year to escape the punishing winters of their Great White Northern Abodes.
AND WE HATE YOU ALL.
I am completely goddamn serious about this. A common bumper sticker around these parts is, "When I retire, I'm going to go Up North and DRIVE SLOWLY."
Every year, you people come down here. And every year, you act like complete asses, like this is Las Fucking Vegas and we are here to cater to your every whim. And every year, dozens of you die horribly. I always laugh whenever I see the death toll after an event, because it reaffirms my faith in Natural Selection. Because, you see, you people are stupid, and stupid people shouldn't ever breathe my air.
How are you stupid? Let me count the ways:
- Florida is not temperate. Florida is sub-tropical. That means it rains a fucking lot here. Rainy roads and motorcycles do not mix.
- We are a hunting state. That means we have access to large-caliber weapons like rifles and shotguns in addition to the ubiquitous handgun. Starting shit with us will get your ass shot.
- We are an undeveloped state. That, combined with #2 above, means we have access to multi-ton vehicles called Pickup Trucks. Now I'm sure you never took physics, or else you could wrap your puny brains around the concept of "A 2.5 ton truck cannot stop as quickly as a motorcycle." Cut us off and your ass gets run over. Ironically, with our off-road suspensions, we'll easily traverse your wreckage.
- We live on a beach. We know what attractive is. Don't think you're sexy just because you drive a Harley. And please put your shirt back on.
- We have 80-degree winters. You wear lots of black and drink beer, then pass out due to dehydration.
You reduce traffic to a crawl. You divert precious police resources. And when you DO finally die, you do it in as dramatic a way as possible, frequently prompting lawsuits. As if it was the fault of the State of Florida that you decided to drive down I-95 at top speed without a helmet.
The worst of it is that you have spread, cancer-like, to outlying regions. Back in the 90s, I could just avoid going into Daytona and all would be well. Now, you've metastatized into the suburban areas of Ormond, New Smyrna, Holly Hill. I can't even get onto the interstate without sitting at a traffic light for 15 minutes. I think you won't be happy until you've taken over all of Volusia County, and then you'll probably set your sights on Flagler.
Enough, I say. Tomorrow, I'm buying a Humvee, mounting a cowcatcher to the front, and I'm going for a leisurely drive.
Please get in my way.
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5 comments:
We do what we want, when we want. Nyah, nyah, nyah. Now take your shirt off.
Love,
The Bikers
I drove today up US-1. Now, Palette, you may understand what a task that is. I'll outline it for the folks not in the know.
From my home beachside to my work mainland, it's about a 15-20 minute drive on a good day. That includes crossing a bridge over the river.
Now.. Today.. This whole week.. will not be good days. Normally I would leave my house around 8:30ish and arrive at work at 9. Exactly when I'm supposed to be there.
Today I left at 8. When did i get there? 9:13. Yes, I looked at the freakin clock.
Why such a horrid difference you neglect to ask? Bikers. Freakin. Bikers.
THe bikers that live in this damn town understand that a car can mow your ass down. They understand that when a car is waiting to make a left hand turn, you don't freakin pull up BESIDE THEM IN THE SAME DAMN LANE to go first. You Don't drive up just as they're starting to turn and cut them off. You don't. Why? CARS ARE FREAKIN BIGGER!
Now, it occurs to me that this isn't exactly rocket science. It also occurs to me that not everyone is so stupid to think that their puny little bike will protect them from an accident (then again, most of the freakin morons i see out riding bikes nowadays in Daytona never have a helmet on, even the locals). It has to be pretty common knowledge that the rules of the road apply to a motorcycle just like it would to any other vehicle. So why do these stupid tourists do it?
Because the cops let them. There are signs up along US1 asking Car and Truck drivers to watch out for bikers. They let bikers have free reign.
It annoys me. Especially since with Destination Daytona open (in Ormond Beach, how's that for amusing?), US-1 has become a complete nightmare to drive on for the next week. I'm packing my lunch this whole week, you better believe it.
On the upside, Daytona is quieter than normal, even down by Main Street. Daytona is phasing out events. Especially Bike week and Spring break (though they won't be able to get away with getting rid of BCR. NAACP won't have none of that.). The race crap will stay, but everything else is going away. Why?
Beaurocrats have decided Daytona Beach would be a great little Las Vegas.
Yep. A1A will be the strip. Gambling, prostitution. You name it. It's on the way. And you can't have all of that AND have the drunk teenagers during Spring Break or the drunk Bikers of Bikeweek. So, Daytona is giving that to Ormond. Which is why the aforementioned Destination Daytona and the new Harley Davidson shop is in Ormond rather than Daytona.
The tourists are completely to blame in the expanding of their events. Blame the old farts who can't get laid anymore and need to pay for it. They're the ones making the rules.
You can keep your sub-tropical home. I'm a Yankee and damn proud of it =) Given my choice, I'd never even travel south of the Mason-Dixon. Anything above 80 is to damn hot, above 65 if I'm actually DOING somthing outdoors.
Cant really comment on bikers. Not too many bikers, other than occasional weekend riders, here in Connecticut. Never owned a bike, prolly never will =)
Maybe you should construct a moat =P
I don't even know what makes Florida all that attractive.
It rains... Alot.
It's hot, too hot.
It's hot and Rainy, thus Steambath.
There is a hurricane at least once a year (or more likely half a dozen times).
The map of florida has a large sign saying "Here be Dra..*cough* Old People"
=P
I have lived in Florida since 1979. I have also been around bikes all of my life. First of all, I RESPECT the bike. I also RESPECT the truck that I drive. Either way, it is all about RESPECTING the people around you that share the road. It sounds like to me you have alot of issues and need to spend a few hours with a psych! If it bothers you so greatly, and knowing that bike week and all the other events that do go on in Daytona, why don't you just move? These events have been happening long enough for you to know what goes on there. No I do not agree with some of the bikers (I call them "weekenders") that think they rule the city just because they come there and blow all their money on stupid things. My boyfriend and I live only a few miles away and have been going to bike week for a few years. I agree about the snowbirds and tourists, they are a pain. There is something that you did forget to mention in your little "hate letter to the bikers", Florida IS catered towards tourists, retirees and snowbirds. Therefore, if you are not happy with it, just get out. They will always be around. Have a nice day!
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