Are you a pothead, Focker?

So at this point, everyone who cares about such things knows that the person who hacked Sarah Palin's email account is David Kernell, the son of Tennessee state representative (Democrat) Mike Kernell.

Prior to today, I was giggling wickedly, because I always enjoy watching Darwinism in action, and nothing says "natural selection" quite so much as some idiot who didn't realize that

• E-mail hacking is a felony,
• Doing it across state lines makes it FBI jurisdiction, and
• All Vice-Presidential candidates are protected by the Secret Fucking Service.

And then I found out it was some stupid college kid, and all my wrath went right out the window. I mean, look at this guy:


What is this strange feeling, deep within my cold, shriveled heart? Is it... sympathy? Incredible, I know, but yet this is not some criminal mastermind. This is an idiot teenager with a surfeit of brains and a deficit of common sense. For some reason, I can't countenance this child going to jail over this.

I remember when I was young, and stupid. I remember doing things far stupider than this (less illegal, though.) Believe me, if it had been an adult who did this, I'd be boiling the tar and plucking chickens for feathers. But a kid? A stupid kid? For some strange reason I can't countenance him going to jail for this, because at his age, jail time will ruin the rest of his life.

But he still needs to be punished for this, oh yes, and I believe I have just the thing. Another thing I remember from being that age was how damnably important it was for me to look cool in front of people, of how the opinions of strangers often mattered more than the feelings of my own family.

So what I suggest is that we punish this child with irony. We embarrass him into pieces. Some thoughts:

• For the rest of 2008, require him to wear "McCain/Palin '08" t-shirts, buttons, etc whenever he is in public.
  
• Have him do demeaning scutwork -- say, cleaning up after ever Republican rally.
  
• He must wear his hair up, with Tina Fey glasses, until the inauguration.

Call me an old softie, but I think this will teach the boy a lesson without destroying his future. And who knows? Maybe he'll hook up with a cute Republican girl at college.