My name is Debarchery, and St. Patrick's Day is one of my favorite days to go out drinking. It ranks right up there with New Year's Eve, Cinco de Mayo, and any day ending with the letter "Y". But Saint Paddy's is special, because on March 17 we drink while wearing green! Isn't that fantastic?
But sadly, some of you guys just don't know how to properly celebrate this most sacred of drinking holidays. Therefore, tonight I'm going to give you some helpful hints on how to conduct a successful debauch. You've probably read advice from so-called "experts" on how to party safely. But do any of them have the God of Wine as their crazy uncle? No? Then fuck 'em and listen to me.
Rule 1: Drink, yeh wee fuckin' pussy!
St. Patrick's Day is for drinking, so get your drink on, drunkie. Don't try to pace yourself -- dive headfirst into the swimming pool of alcohol that is before you! Chug, chug, chug, and chug some more. Belching is healthy because it frees up valuable space in the stomach that can be used to hold more booze. Especially skilled drinkers can hold drinking contests where the best belch earns them a free drink. If you have this ability, then grab that teat and milk it for all it's worth! FREE BOOZE WOOOHOOOO!
Rule 2: Food is your enemy
Food and booze are mortal enemies, and if you mix them then the food will try to kill the booze inside your stomach, so do not, under any condition, drink on anything less than an empty stomach. Besides, food in your tummy means less room for booze, and that's just wrong. That's sacrilege, that is. Worse, it's alcohol abuse!
Rule 3: Vomiting is good
This is the logical combination of rules 1 and 2 above. If you are foolish enough to have food in your stomach, get that stuff out by any means necessary! Let 'em fight it out on the floor if you have to, but it is absolutely essential that you make room in your tummy for more tasty, tasty booze. Don't worry if you throw up even if you haven't eaten anything -- this is perfectly natural. It's your body's way of saying that it's bored with what you're currently drinking and it would like to try something else. This is the perfect opportunity to switch from beer to whiskey!
Rule 4: An empty glass is a bad glass
Naught, naughty empty glass! You have two options in this case. You can try to rehabilitate this bad boy by refilling it, but I gotta warn you that the recidivism rate is pretty damn high. Or you can send it off to prison and order a fresh new glass full of happy-juice! This is by far the preferred option.
Rule 5: If you aren't wasted, you're doing it wrong
Remember that tonight, getting shitfaced is your sacred duty. Don't commit a sin against Saint Patrick, who died for your right to get utterly wasted. How'd he die? Um, I think he swallowed a bunch of snakes or something, and then drowned in a vat of Guinness.... but that's beside the point! FOCUS, PEOPLE!
The ONLY point of St. Patrick's Day is getting drunk. It's not about having a good time, or meeting fun people, or going home with a 10 who turns into a 1 at 8am tomorrow.
So drink, yeh basterds! DRINK FER ST. PADDY!
Join us tomorrow for Asclepius, god of medicine, and his top ten hangover cures.