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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Manidono, Petty God of Half-Assed Effort

Over two years ago, I submitted this to Jamie Maliszewski for inclusion in Petty Gods. Since then, the project has been tabled indefinitely, his website Grognardia hasn't been updated for over a month, and he hasn't replied to any of my emails.

From this, I conclude that the project is vaporware, and if I want my submission to see the light of day I'll have to print it here.  I figure that two years after the fact, with the editor AWOL, the rights have reverted back to me (even though I never signed them over -- or signed anything for that matter).

In accordance with this, and the fact that my mom has surgery tomorrow and the rest of the week is going to be half-assed at best, I present you with our mascot and sponsor:

Mr. Maliszewski,

I know that you said you preferred a serious tone for Petty Gods, but I figure that every monster book needs at least one loser monster. Manidono, the Petty God of slackers, half-assed effort, and loose change, is this book's Flumph.


Name: Manidono
Symbol: An unmade bed
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral*


Art by Barking Alien, who missed the memo on half-assery.


Created by the halfhearted, momentary worship of people who desperately desire (if only for only a few moments) that their current problem goes away, Manidono is the petty god of slackers, half-assed effort, and loose change. He has no organized priesthood, no formal temples, and no official holy days, because those things would take dedication, foresight, and effort, all of which are anathema to Manidono. He is called upon only in moments of duress (and at no other time) by people too lazy to do any real work and who expect a quick and effortless miracle.



If Manidono can be bothered to answer the prayer of a supplicant (25% chance), it usually manifests in the form of a handful of pocket change: 3d6 copper and 1d6-3 silver pieces. However, if the supplicant is truly lucky (rolling a 100 on percentile dice) then Manidono's curiosity has been aroused and he will bless his follower according to the Reaction Table below.



Instructions for using Manidono's reaction table: Grab the closest die or dice at hand and roll. Just because the table has 100 entries doesn't mean you should roll percentile dice; sometimes Manidono just doesn't care enough to roll more than a 6-sider, you know? Just chill, dude.




Roll
Result


1
Dude. That's a major bummer. Manidono is bummed on your behalf. Everyone must succeed at a morale check or do nothing except sit around and be bummed out for 1d6 rounds.
2-3
Wait, what? Everyone in the vicinity loses a round as they figure out what just happened.
4-5
Here, have 1 hit point. It tastes like nachos.
6-7
So, like, stuff? A random piece of equipment worth no more than 50gp appears in your possession.
8-9
Aw, man, that sucks. Take a do-over and roll again.
10-11
That thing you don't like? Stop doing it. Restart the round from the beginning.
12-18
The spirit of half-assed effort fills the area. Everyone takes a -2 penalty to all rolls.
19-20
OK, like, everyone needs to just chill. Combat ends and everyone is returned to maximum hit points. Diplomacy is possible but everyone has the munchies.
21-99
Manidono has nothing better to do and appears next to his supplicant to "hang out for a bit." See below.
100
Manidono delivers you from your current dilemma by inviting you to hang out on his couch for a while. You disappear from wherever you are, reappearing 1d10 turns later. All of your wounds are healed but you have aged 2d10 years.



Adventurers who end up summoning Manidono must now deal with the presence of a slovenly, bored godling who shuffles along behind them. He does not help the party in any way ("I'm just here to hang out, dude, I'm not on the clock") but still consumes party resources such as food, water, bed space, etc. He will try to cooperate with the party's actions such as being stealthy or trying to appear inconspicuous, but will do so in such a half-assed manner that it might as well be failure.

Manidono never attacks, as that would be too much work. If attacked, he half-assedly defends himself (mostly by holding up his arm and saying "Ow! Quit it, dude!") and forces another roll on the reaction table. If the party persists in combat, Manidono disappears in a huff after taking more than half his hit points in damage, and forever after they will carry the Curse of Manidono – which will be really awesomely painful when he gets around to making it.

Hurleylost.PNGManidono always appears as a large, unkempt man with stringy hair, stained clothes, and a strange odor about him. Imagine Hurley (from LOST) as a Greek God -- possibly Dionysus' slacker cousin -- and you've got the right idea.


Old-School Stats for those who are into that kind of thing

Movement: 90' (30')
Armor Class: 9
Hit Points (Hit Dice): 21 (7)
Attacks: Special
Damage: Special
Save: F7
Morale: 12
Hoard Class: V
XP: One. Seriously, you guys just whacked a stoner and you want a reward?




The original sketch I sent to Adam. Behold Manidono in his half-assed glory.




* Chaotic in the sense of entropic. It's a very lazy form of chaos.

10 comments:

  1. He's one half Hurley, one half the Big Lebowski and one half John Belushi in Animal House. Wha? You can't have three halves? Dude, just chill.

    ReplyDelete
  2. At last, a deity I can believe in.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Man.  You better not hope you grab anything bigger than a D20 dude

    ReplyDelete
  4. There's a reason the less useful replies are at the bottom -- it all depends on how much effort the GM wants to exert.
    Feeling lazy?  Roll a d4.
    Feel like more complication? Roll higher. The table totally supports half-assed GMing. ;)

     

    ReplyDelete
  5.  Okay, cool, so your god will get back to you. Y'know, whenever.

    ReplyDelete
  6. you kids and your modern duel alignment systems

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ah, so you haven't been following the news. Mr. Maliszewski is currently tending to his father, who is in critical health. That is why the blog, Dwimmermount, and Small Gods have all been neglected.

    ReplyDelete
  8. No, I have not. My heart goes out to the man, and I bear him no ill will at all, but after two years of no traction on Petty Gods I feel I have the right to publish this on my blog. 

    ReplyDelete

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