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Thursday, August 13, 2015

Salem Watches A Porn

Hey wait that title could be taken out of context.. 

While you may see me, from time to time, gush over the Marvel Cinematic Universe (deservedly so in my eyes, given the love and respect the source material is treated with), it is undeniable that I love Batman as much as I love any modern representation of Iron Man or Thor; probably moreso, given my disinterest in much of the rest of the DC Universe.

My first memories of Batman represented in visual media would probably be seeing glimpses of him and Robin on Scooby-Doo reruns. I'd cringingly watch a few minutes, then lose interest, as I hated Scooby-Doo. I remember later on seeing reruns of the 1966 Batman television series. I'd watch this not because it was entertaining, but as sort of an oddity. I wasn't alive in the 60s, so I can't attest to the veracity of the Swinging Sixties nostalgia, but if this show was representative of it, I see where that reputation comes from.

Fortunately, the 1990 Keaton/Burton film came along, shortly followed by its sequel and the near-flawless Batman: The Animated Series, spinning off into The New Adventures of Batman & Robin, Justice League, Batman Beyond, and a number of other similarly excellent shows and films, which still appeal to me years later, despite my general disinterest in most animated features.

Our lovely editor Erin pointed me towards an... edited version of Batman XXX: A Porn Parody (which I've helpfully linked below – all the naughty bits have been edited out, reducing it to just shy of a mere 25 minutes, the length of an average episode). I've never actually sat down and watched one of these porn parodies, but I've paid attention to the news on them. Because of the fantastic costuming efforts. Really. No, guys, stop giggling I promise that's why. These porn parodies have more faithful translations of their costumes than the actual, official movies. Check out their Harley Quinn and Wonder Woman!

Great cosplay, but unofficial! 
So, how does it measure up?
Eerily well, actually. Everyone from Batman and Robin to the extras in group scenes (not that kind of group scene!) are wearing period-appropriate outfits. Lines are delivered in the same manner as low-budget 60s Hollywood. The actors filling in for Adam West and Burt Ward in particular absolutely nail (stop it!) the mannerisms brought to the orginal roles. Ceasar Romero's Joker is re-created right down to the grease-paint covered mustache, and Frank Gorshin's manic Riddler even has that uncomfortable bulge in his tights (which makes a lot more sense in the context of a porn). Tori Black as Catwoman is similarly fantastic, as she captures the sultry air that Julie Newmar brought to the role, perhaps even improving on it a little. Even the Batusi and the 'climbing' sideways across the set of a building lying on its side are there. BIFF and POW make appearances in the final battle sequence, and Batman even corrects Robin's grammar while tied up.

Seriously! This is a porn parody!

It's not without flaws, though. As anyone knows, my waifu Batgirl makes an appearance, but she's being played by Lexi Belle, as a blonde. Even though Yvonne Craig's Batgirl is probably dead last on my list of Batgirls (yes, I have a list), she (like Lexi) starts out with a brunette beehive, but instead of putting on a red wig for the costume, she's using Lexi's natural blonde locks. And as everyone knows, Barbara Gordon is not a blonde (looking at you, Alicia Silverstone... hang on, she's dead last on my list).


Can I make it any clearer? 

But probably the most frustrating thing is that Lexi is possibly the person most qualified to play Harley Quinn in the entire world. She's cute, perky, and screams mentally unbalanced. It's a real shame, as Axel Braun Productions made a Batman vs Supermanparody that features Harley, but didn't use her.

There's also a missed opportunity here, as there's a character I clearly don't remember from the original series: Bruce Wayne's fiance Lisa, who seems to exist merely to fill a hole (come on now, quit giggling) in the script. I would have loved to see them innovate a little, bringing in a ginger actress to play Batgirl and having Lexi play a Batman 66-inspired Harley Quinn.

All in all, it's a faithful and surprisingly respectful translation of the 1966 Batman series with a metric buttload (okay, I'll own that one) of sex scenes worked into it. I can't attest to the actual sex scenes (I haven't seen them yet. I haven't. Really, I haven't. Stop looking at me like that!), but I'd recommend watching the edited version at least for a laugh.

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