Friday, October 26, 2007


Idle thought for the day: in order for a wooden stake to properly immobilize a vampire, must the wood actually touch the vampire? Or can you get away with lacquering the hell out of it to preserve its strength & sharpness, and to give it that rib-splitting slickness?

Because if it's the latter, then I had an awesome thought.

1. Take a chunk of Rowan (a wood renowned for its anti-supernatural properties) and have it cut into toothpicks. Yes, regular toothpicks, but make sure they're the rounded kind.

2. Lacquer the hell out of said toothpicks. I'm not an expert on what kind to use, but definitely go with whatever increases tensile strength of wood.

3. Have your toothpicks loaded into custom shotgun shells. (Having never loaded a shotgun shell before, I may be grossly overestimating their usable payload length; if this is the case, then the toothpicks in step #1 will need to be cut to size before lacquer is applied in step #2.) This isn't as crazy as it initially sounds; flechette rounds for shotguns already exist.

4. Go vampire hunting. If my theory holds true, one good shot to the chest should send at least several dozen wooden fragments deep into the vampire's heart. Assuming you're using a 12-gauge -- and if you're not, you're crazy -- you should have a nice-tight shot group about 6 inches in diameter at a distance of 18 feet; in other words, the size of a saucer from across the room. Odds should be exceptionally good that at least ONE of the toothpick flechettes will slip between the ribs and bury itself in undead cardiac tissue.

This has the following benefits:
  1. You can carry a whole bandolier full of "stakes" at a fraction of the weight and mass.
  2. Ranged application vs traditional melee method.
  3. If you fail to connect... chamber a new round and try again.
  4. Wood buried deeply in the heart ensures the incapacitation of vampires for large amounts of time. Instead of yanking out a single stake, a "rescuer" would need to go in with surgical apparatus (or at least a melon baller).
  5. Flechette rounds useful against other soft targets, too.
  6. You aren't as likely to be sent away to the loony bin for possessing "experimental ammunition" than you are for using anti-vampire wooden stakes.

This is what I think about when I'm bored.


  1. I think it depends on the type of vamp you're talking about. Sometimes piercing the heart with any substance is good enough, and so the lacquer wouldn't be an issue, but in other cases, it's some property of the wood. And of course, sometimes stakes don't kill.

    Regardless, I imagine a flechette round, no matter what it's made of, will fuck something's day. Good call.

  2. You and I should make a guide to supernatural survival.

  3. I have always thought the best way to kill a vampire is to feed him an acorn.

    In thirty to forty years, he'll be staked from the inside out.

    Sure, you have to plan ahead, but he'll never expect it.

  4. Bully, you're like Batman or something!

  5. I think a big problem is:

    1. Lack of penetration. Even metal flechettes have a reputation for lacking range/penetration as the projectiles are way too light.

    2. How do you make sure that it lodges in the heart? There is a fair chance that it a. Doesn't penetrate the rib cage. b. Goes straight through the heart and out the other side.

    Personally I would go for some sort of shrapnel round similar to the some of the banned designs for 5.56 copper/steel jacketed hollowpoint fragmentation rounds. Steel mixed with Rowan with a prefragmented interior and a hollow tip to make sure that it shatters on (or shortly after) impact. When the fragile bullet impacts on the rib cage it breaks up and the round is likely to leave a woundcanal that's littered with shards of rowan inside the heart/rib cage.

    I mean, if a rowan toothpick works it's not because it's a stick, it's because a vampires heart has some sort of allergic reaction to wood.

    P.S: Sometimes I scare myself.

  6. P.P.S: Hopefully leaving a wound canal looking something like these:

  7. Erin, my D&D character wants to know two things.

    1 - Why so much hate that you dredge up this ingenius way to possibly kill his kind?

    2 - What is your bloodtype?

  8. I would tend to think blessed wooden rosary beads would be a better choice.

  9. That sounds like a nifty idea.. but since I don't typically study them, all I can ask is What would Buffy do? :)

  10. Have sex with the vampire, and turn it evil.

  11. I thought Vampires were already evil with only a few exceptions?

  12. Have sex with it and turn it good, then?


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