Hello depression my old friend
Come to mindfuck me again
I'm not really sure why I'm having a bad day. Nothing specifically terrible has happened lately. I just feel like.. honestly, I feel like the fat chick all the popular girls keep around so that they look prettier, and now they've left with all their dates and I'm still sitting alone at the bar. No, I will not go into details on this, but if you are thinking "Is it X?" then the answer is probably yes.
It frustrates me no end the way some people can effortlessly make friends. It pisses me off when those people are, themselves, not friendly. Meanwhile here I am, trying to be fun and insightful, and being ignored in favor of the big-boobed cheerleader. Friendship, dating, my relationship with God -- they're all the same, in the end: exercises in how long I can tolerate being ignore and neglected before I finally snap and tell everyone to go fuck themselves, and then - ONLY THEN - do people talk to me. Of course, by then it's usually cutting comments like "Get over yourself" or "Overreact much?"
Some days, I don't even know why I bother trying to make friends. They're all virtual anyway. All of the friends I have are in different parts of the country, on other sides of computer screens. I haven't had a real, local, friend since 2009, when jealousy and stupid girl drama caused the other female in my social group to make up some bullshit story and turn the rest of the group against me. Never mind that they had known me years longer than they knew her -- she was prettier, and everyone wanted to sleep with her. She wanted to be alpha female, and she got it.
Fuckers. I hope they all burn for their perfidy.
I said once before that I like persons but hate people. That's mostly self-defense, because generally people hate me, too, and usually on sight, like one of the cast of those 1980s Nerds movies. So I've given up. I've stopped trying. I'd be bitter and cynical, but as a long-time goth I know that full-blown cynicism requires a reservoir of emotional strength that I just don't have any more. The best I can do these days is adopt a low-drag "Fuck everyone and watch the world burn" attitude. I like to call it "lazy nihilism."
So yeah. I'll never be loved like the popular girls. Fine, whatever. And because I'm an artist at heart, I will continue to be your online dancing monkey, because I have a need to create and a need to have that creation be seen. So yes, as much as I hate to admit it, I need you more than you need me.
But my days of trying to make friends are over. I've extended my hand only to get it get slapped away enough times that I've finally learned not to try. Those folks who reached out to me, or took my hand when I offered it: I love you all deeply, and you have my loyalty for as long as you care to keep it. The rest of you, however, will have to actually make an effort. Which, ironically, describes exactly why I don't have many friends to begin with.
Oh, and for that one special someone in the gun community who thinks it's cool to single me out for criticism and ridicule, I'd like to point out that:
- You are exactly what is wrong with our culture today. If I had encountered you and your shitty attitude when I started gunblogging, you would likely have driven from the hobby completely. Think about that the next time gun control is being marketed to women.
- No matter how much you hate me, you will never be a better writer than I am. You may think I am completely unqualified, or that I've sold out, but the fact remains that people are seeking me out for reviews. How's it feel, actually being less popular than the moody unpopular goth girl?
- In conclusion,
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