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Friday, March 8, 2013

Struggling

I am having a truly bad day right now.

Hello depression my old friend
Come to mindfuck me again

I'm not really sure why I'm having a bad day. Nothing specifically terrible has happened lately.  I just feel like.. honestly, I feel like the fat chick all the popular girls keep around so that they look prettier, and now they've left with all their dates and I'm still sitting alone at the bar. No, I will not go into details on this, but if you are thinking "Is it X?" then the answer is probably yes.

It frustrates me no end the way some people can effortlessly make friends. It pisses me off when those people are, themselves, not friendly. Meanwhile here I am, trying to be fun and insightful, and being ignored in favor of the big-boobed cheerleader. Friendship, dating, my relationship with God -- they're all the same, in the end: exercises in how long I can tolerate being ignore and neglected before I finally snap and tell everyone to go fuck themselves, and then - ONLY THEN - do people talk to me. Of course, by then it's usually cutting comments like "Get over yourself" or "Overreact much?"

Some days, I don't even know why I bother trying to make friends. They're all virtual anyway. All of the friends I have are in different parts of the country, on other sides of computer screens. I haven't had a real, local, friend since 2009, when jealousy and stupid girl drama caused the other female in my social group to make up some bullshit story and turn the rest of the group against me. Never mind that they had known me years longer than they knew her -- she was prettier, and everyone wanted to sleep with her. She wanted to be alpha female, and she got it.

Fuckers. I hope they all burn for their perfidy.

I said once before that I like persons but hate people. That's mostly self-defense, because generally people hate me, too, and usually on sight, like one of the cast of those 1980s Nerds movies. So I've given up. I've stopped trying. I'd be bitter and cynical, but as a long-time goth I know that full-blown cynicism requires a reservoir of emotional strength that I just don't have any more. The best I can do these days is adopt a low-drag "Fuck everyone and watch the world burn" attitude. I like to call it "lazy nihilism."

So yeah. I'll never be loved like the popular girls. Fine, whatever. And because I'm an artist at heart, I will continue to be your online dancing monkey, because I have a need to create and a need to have that creation be seen. So yes, as much as I hate to admit it, I need you more than you need me.

But my days of trying to make friends are over. I've extended my hand only to get it get slapped away enough times that I've finally learned not to try.  Those folks who reached out to me, or took my hand when I offered it:  I love you all deeply, and you have my loyalty for as long as you care to keep it. The rest of you, however, will have to actually make an effort. Which, ironically, describes exactly why I don't have many friends to begin with.

Oh, and for that one special someone in the gun community who thinks it's cool to single me out for criticism and ridicule, I'd like to point out that:
  • You are exactly what is wrong with our culture today. If I had encountered you and your shitty attitude when I started gunblogging, you would likely have driven from the hobby completely. Think about that the next time gun control is being marketed to women.
  • No matter how much you hate me, you will never be a better writer than I am. You may think I am completely unqualified, or that I've sold out, but the fact remains that people are seeking me out for reviews. How's it feel, actually being less popular than the moody unpopular goth girl?
  • In conclusion, 

39 comments:

  1. I hate bullies and the internet breeds them twelve for a dozen.

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  2. Erin,

    You have my sympathy.  I've been where you are.  Bad things -- and sometimes just bad days -- happen to everyone.  There's not a lot of advice I can give you about how to climb out of it, because that's not the sort of thing that generalizes well.  What I can tell you is this:

    1) Don't give up.  Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day, and you really will feel better in the morning.

    2) Internet friends you don't see in person regularly don't have the same emotional support as those you do see in person.  That doesn't mean they aren't real friends, but it does mean the friendship needs to be handled differently -- and that they don't set off the brain's "I have friends" signal quite the same way.

    3) As a blogger, you have readers and even sponsors of sorts.  That's success.

    4) The internet may not have a delete key, but you can usually find a way to filter out people who consistently say things you don't want to listen to.

    I am waaaaaay too stodgy to participate in the pony thing -- but I do laugh.

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  3. One bad day is normal, just don't let it turn into a bad month. I was gifted with thick skin, so the bastards of the internet don't bother me much. Your "virtual" friends are out here, and we'll listen to your venting, just like you'd listen to ours. Just remember that we're here for you and try to spend more time thinking of the good times and conversations than you do the bad times and assholes that put you down.

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  4. Betrayal, he is a cock-chewing bastard.

    I agree with McThag.  The internet's emotional and physical distance is wonderful for bullies.
    Your feelings are understandable,  sometimes we all need to just "tune out and drop off."  As a fellow lazy nihilist I am a bit saddened, but it's not so bad.   We've got pie.   Though you'll have to bring your own forks and napkins. 

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  5. 'The best I can do these days is adopt a low-drag "Fuck everyone and watch the world burn" attitude.'

    Oh no you don't.

    That's my thing and I've been doing it since 1988.

    You get your own coping mechanism.  That one's mine.

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  6. I can relate.  Even to the dealings with nasty lying females making up stories.  The isolation in today's world is very, very bad. Feel free to drop me a line if you want to chat.

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  7. BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate.

    - The Devil's Dictionary

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  8. I see a lot of straight-up bullshit in the gaming community too. But for every loud douche, there's two people sitting quietly who are awesome. We need to speak up more, so...yeah. Erin, you're awesome, and I read every article and post you put up, even if I don't necessarily understand it. Your reviews are solid and well thought out, and your prose clear. Hell, if you gamed I'd offer you a weekly on my site. 

    TL;DR- Chin up, chest out, you're a great writer who thinks of things that wouldn't occur to most any other gunblogger, and you're a fun read to boot. 

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  9.  I don't really know how to take that, Borepatch. Have I done something to you that requires an apology?

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  10. I am a gamer. I run a Traveller game and I'm writing a fantasy campaign setting.

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  11. I was sympathizing.  There are days when it seems that no good deed goes unpunished.

    I was too terse, sorry.

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  12. Ah! Okay then. That's fine. I was just worried I had somehow inadvertently wronged you. 

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  13. Awww, man. I wish I could convey how much I've been in your situation, yet eventually found a way to deal. I can guarantee you, not the same person I was back in the cold, lonely full of angst nights so long ago. Part of that ability is to not care what others say or think, and act however the hell I want.

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  14. Hello stumbled on your site due to pmr30 reveiw and stayed for the mosin home. Enjoy what I've read. Sympathy to your bad day. You need to remember that the difference between you and a toilet seat, is the seat only has to put up with one asshole at a time.  My most liberating moment was when I figured out that I couldn't please everyone and decided not to try to please anyone. Them as knew me would or wouldn't and the rest could blow out loud. My wife and family love me ppppppppppbbtt!!!!!!!!!!! on the rest. My prayers to and for your mother. Shade and sweet water, and downhill trails in your future. Take care. Don't let the bastards(or bitches) get you down.

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  15. You know, I don't comment enough here.  Sorry for that.  I read just about everything you write and I really enjoy it.

    I'm a loner by nature.  Always have been.  It works better than anything else.  I don't have time for many friends.  Too much drama.  I've learned that, for me at least, enjoying life by myself is more important that being miserable with a big group of "friends."  I'm at the point in my life that when asked by people I've known for years to hang out I'd rather stay at home and have a cigar and a drink.  And I'm happier for it.

    People are dicks.  Persons can be cool, but people suck.  I wish I lived closer.  I'd invite you out to get trashed and then make fun of people.

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  16. Hmmm, this sounds eerily familiar. When I feel like telling everyone to make a tasty shake from the stuff under the sink, I try to sit on the porch and remind myself that *everyone* is emotionally stunted from the teenage social wars and that we're all just walking meatsacks that believe we're the center of the universe. And that I have guns. And ammo. And farmland. And access to a backhoe.

    Remember, we all came into the world naked, covered in blood, and screaming...we can go out the same way.

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  17. This is my new favorite comment. So much delicious dark humor...

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  18. Want to document it for us? Drop me a line, would you kindly?

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  19.  Another one of which I'm proud: "I am a fount of arsenic wisdom. I am full of bitter truths."

    Admittedly, I don't know that arsenic is bitter, but it rolled off the tongue better than "cyanide".

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  20. I do believe this to be a tongue-in-cheek comment.

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  21. Sorry you're having a less than sparkly day.  Hope tomorrow goes better for you.  Maybe someday we'll all have a big shooters-blognic/meat-n-greet or something in Florida.

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  22. The "Devil's Dictionary" is a list of the true, but uncomfortable definitions of words. I recommend it heartily. He's not insulting you, more trying to give you something to laugh at.

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  23. I hope I at least made you smile with the Shakespeare Insult Generator.  Thanks for the chat before I conked out and I hope next week is a whole different adventure.

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  24. Regardless of your age, you are wise beyond your years.


    Bravo.   Now to sit on my patio with a pipe and some scotch.

    Hang in Erin.   Remember you're still flying. It ain't much, but it might be enough.

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  25. I'd buy you a drink just cause of that last picture. :D

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  26.  Yeah, chin up and chest out cause bewbs. :D

    (just playing for the laughs here...)

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  27. I prefer the phrase "I am deep and bitter, like a bucket of poison."

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  28. *hugs* I've always liked my internet better than IRL friends anyway. You're pretty awesome.

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  29. When you can say "Fuck The World" and mean it, you free yourself up to make REAL friends.

    No, you won't have many.  The concepts of honor, loyalty, empathy and all the others that make up a true friendship, have been drained out of most of the people in our crumbling society.  This, however, makes the friends you do find even more precious.

    When you honestly DON'T CARE what people think, that sense of desperation (which predators immediately target) goes away.  It's the same thing as trying to find a relationship(or just get laid); when I, as a young man, just stopped giving a fuck about the whole business, that's when I started meeting quality people.

    The dark times will pass.  No, it's not fair that they happen in the first place, but they're there to teach us something.  Once we figure out the puzzle, we've taken another step on our own particular path of learning, and that's what we're all here to do.  But DAMN, finding the solution can be frustrating...!

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  30. Yargh. People suck sometimes. I used to think that gunbloggers weer somehow different, but I also thought that other, maybe more select in some ways, groups I belong to were different. They're not. The world is filled with arseholes, and most the time I think they're winning. Most the time the best I can do is to try to not be an arsehole myself, and that's a losing battle...

    Hang in there.

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  31. Erin, I am so sorry I missed this post. I am more sorry that you have been hurting!!!

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  32. I will confess that one of the reasons I have been able to buck up and not let the things others have said about me hurt me is because of Erin. I used to come here and think...She is tough! She is just who she is and she doesn't give a flying flip what anyone thinks. You have absolutely no idea how many nights I felt bullied on the internet and went to bed thinking, I need to be more like Erin. 

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  33. Good Lord. I am honestly surprised that there is someone who wants to be more like me. Especially you, AGirl.

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  34. I've been hoping to catch you on IRC to actually talk to you, but it doesn't look like that's happening.

    I guess the only thing I can really say is for you to look at all the people that care enough about you to actually respond to this.  *me puts the clue bat away*

    Hope you're doing better since posting this.

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  35.  There's more out there than you know, and possibly for the same reasons as AGirl.  There's no way I'd ever put up a Pony-n-Pistols site (not only cuz I don't follow the Ponies....I'm more of a steampunk/dieselpunk/history guy), just cuz of that fear that someone's going to think less of me for it.  Growing up as the target kid for every bully in school, introverted and dyslexic (which does NOT combine to produce an extrovert, BTW), I still find myself worrying about crap like that, even approaching 40.  But since joining the gunny blogger/bloggette community, I've found a group of some awesome folks who have been an inspiration and a source of strength over the last couple of years.  I've met a couple in person, and my online impressions didn't change at all.  Most I'd classify as "friends", with a couple of "best friends" thrown in there for mix.  But the difference is that, for that popular chick, her popularity and looks will fade over time.  She'll find herself alone as someone 5 or 10 years younger and prettier comes along and shoves her off the top of her little dungheap.  Her 'friends' will vanish.  But the Gunny community could care less about looks or popularity or whether your holster matches your shoelaces or other petty BS.  I've watched the gun community come together to help their own (even on your blog!), and fair-weather friends don't do that.  Only true friends will do that for another.  So, yeah, bad days happen to all of us.  For some of us, bad WEEKS happen.  But you're not alone, you're not an outcast.  We're all here for ya.  And if you lived closer to the DFW area, we'd hit the range for some therapeutic gunsmoke inhalation treatments.  My wife loves goin shooting with other ladies!

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  36.  Hemlock.  Most public-educated sheeple will go into reboot mode trying to figure out what hemlock is (other than being bitter).

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  37. I'm not surprised to hear there is a member of the firearms community singling you out. I've learned that many of the people that composed the firearms community can go from very individualistic and accepting to hive mended destroyers of dissent the second somebody doesn't fit into their view of what is right.


    My circle of friends composes all types, which is something I'm proud of. As a gun enthusiast I'm always looking for new people to take to the range. Needless to say I've taken many individuals who are far outside of the traditional gunnie stereotype to the range and during many of those excursions there was some dick who made it his personal mission to alienate my guest.
    When I took a girl with pink hair shooting some old guy had to some over and state is dissatisfaction with her existence. When I took a friend, who happens to be a communist, to the range somebody inevitably overheard our conversation and came over to introduce use to his opinion, which included a strong desire to have my friend arrested (on what grounds I'm not sure). Similar scenarios played out when I took a couple goth friends, a gay couple, and a friend who works in the local Democratic Party (one of the people at the range recognized my friend and started berating him for his affiliation). Heck I no longer get invited to many local gunnie events on account of my being an anarchist.

    Each and every time this has occurred I have tried to point out that treating the shooting sports like a good old boys club does nothing by ensure its eventual demise. While most people in the firearms community are pretty easy going many of the most well known, respected, and vocal members are asses. If anything is going to kill the shooting sports it's people that make it their personal mission to guard their beloved sport against people who are different from themselves.

    The only correct response to those individuals is, as your picture states, is to tell them to "Eat a dick." Frankly I like "weird" people, probably because I am a "weird" person, and want more of them to join me at the range.

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  38. Hang in there lady, you ARE appreciated! Just don't let the bastards get you down (and yes I'm too lazy to look up the Latin)...

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  39. Illigitimi non-carborundum

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