My father (who just turned 78) was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease last year. He's on medication for it and is responding well, but he's turning into one of those creaky, slow-moving old men who can do less and less, and I'm having to do more and more for him.
My mother has some kind of lung problem that's been bugging her since at least November. After a barrage of tests and specialists, the pulmonologist finally determined via CAT scan that she has scars/ nodules/ cysts/ some fucking thing inside her lung, and so she needs a bronchioscopy. That's scheduled for the 22nd (yay, more waiting). She's often out of breath and lacking energy, so she's probably not getting enough oxygen. Because of this, I have to do more for her, and be there for her more often.
Did I mention that when someone in the family gets sick, dad acts like it's a massive fucking inconvenience directed specifically AT HIM and basically acts like a petulant, sulking child? Or that mom is so goddamn stubborn that she'll work until she almost passes out rather than ask for help?
And we also have two young, energetic dogs who are more than mom can handle by herself (and dad can't be bothered to help with) and so I'm constantly having to stop what I'm doing in order to take care of them -- let them in, let them out, play with them, give them attention (which is fine, but they're both NEEDY because, let's face it, this is not an emotionally healthy home and they reflect that), and generally take care of them. And I love them, but I just a certain amount of time per day to be left alone without someone AT me all the time.
And of course there's my inability to live the way I want to live because I'm living with two "all fags burn in hell" arch-conservatives, and that's because I am financially unable to take care of myself. The great irony here is that even if I *could* take care of my money needs, I'd still feel like I was abandoning my family.
So I'm stressed for a variety of reasons, but mostly they boil down to "I'm trapped by finances and guilt and cannot make a single positive change in my life." Pile on top of THAT the worry about my mom's health, increased duties and responsibilities, sexual loneliness and frustration, the knowledge that for as long as I'm stuck here I'm never going to be an attractive choice for a mate, and it all turns into a gigantic pile of I AM OVERWHELMED AND CANNOT HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW. I just want to lock myself in my room, turn off the lights, and cry, because -- joy! -- my monthly depression happened a week earlier than expected, and caught me unaware. Because it ambushed me, I wasn't prepared to handle it, and so it hit me worse than usual.
Now, before I go, and before you respond, you need to know that:
- It's not your job to solve my problems for me.
- I know the world doesn't owe me a damn thing, and I accept this.
- I am venting because it releases emotional pressure, not because I am an attention whore or am trolling for compliments.
That said, if anyone wants to pray for me, I would be pathetically grateful. I need all the emotional and spiritual support I can get.
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