Hi, yes. I'm alive.
I don't know what's going on with me lately, but I'm tired. Like, Madeline Kahn in Blazing Saddles levels of tired. I think it's both physical and psychological.
Physically, my body's sleep and eat cycle is dramatically out of sync with the world. I can't seem to fall asleep until 4 am, which means I have trouble waking up before 10. But then in the afternoon I'm dead tired, literally falling asleep in front of the computer, and so I take a nap that lasts from 2 or 3 until 5 or 6 or even 7 pm. And that sleeping makes me not hungry at decent hours, so I find myself wanting dinner at 8 or 9 or later, which of course means I have energy late at night and end up staying late and that repeats the cycle. I don't know how it started, but I need to stop it.
I'm also beat psychologically. I'm sick of the constant BS of politics -- frankly, I'm ready to adopt the Lewis Black method of determining the president -- and if every single one of the candidates (yes, including the one I support) were to suddenly die from explosive syphilis I would consider that a net win for not just America, but the Earth in general. And this whole business about transgender bathrooms that's really just an excuse for people to virtue signal... ugh. I can't even work up the spite to blog about it; instead I am reduced to going "Really? Really? THIS is what we're fighting about now?" It's all just a poor satire of the gun rights debate, only with the positions reversed.
I don't know what's going on. My body is screwed up, so it might be kinda sick -- but I don't feel sick. I don't have the desire or energy to go out and do stuff (like shooting, which is why I haven't done any Monday Gunday posts recently, and I feel VERY guilty about that), and while I don't feel like I'm depressed, I recognize that not taking pleasure in things which used to be fun is one of the signs of depression.
I think part of my trouble is that I have become acutely aware of the passage of time. For example, when I sit down to watch a television show, or read a book, or play a computer game, my brain says "You are sacrificing an hour of your life to this thing. It's an hour you'll never get back. Is this really worth an hour of your life? Are you happy with this exchange?" And of course I'm not, because I have this impression that my lifespan is so valuable that I ought to spend it doing ONLY AWESOME THINGS, like parachuting off of mountains or scuba diving in the Bahamas or snorting lines of coke off the epic tits of porn stars... but that isn't a reasonable belief, because even incredibly awesome people do mundane things like sleep and use the toilet and, yes, watch trashy television.
I don't know if I'm coming to grips with my own mortality now that I'm middle-aged or what. I just know that on one hand I am intensely dissatisfied with how things are going -- both for my life in specific, and for the world in general -- and yet I don't know how to fix any of them. Or indeed, even if they need fixing.
So yeah. It's pretty obvious I need a break, which is why I'm looking forward to going on vacation this weekend -- I and a bunch of other gun bloggers will be going up to Tennessee and we're going to have a blogshoot.
I'll let you know how it goes, and hopefully it will revitalize my ability to deal with things.
Thanks for checking in on me. Ideally I'll be back to writing about guns and Traveller and ponies and other awesome things next week.