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Wednesday, February 6, 2008

WNW: Transcript from a Gothic Church

Partial transcript from the evening Ash Wednesday service at Sepulcher of St. Mary's Bloody Tears, sister Peine Forte et Dure presiding:

PFD: Good eeeeeefning, Christian Children of the Night!

Congregation responds with "Good eeeeeefning," though some orthodox members respond with feral hissing. Brother Malkav the Mentally Unwashed responds with "Bleh Bleh!" In fact this is his sole response throughout the entire service.

PFD: I have a few announcements to make before we begin our worship service. Today marks the first day of Lent, which means that purple is the official church color until March 22. Please update your wardrobe accordingly, and give thanks for no longer having to coordinate with that awful green of Epiphany.

Murmurs of approval.

PFD: Lent is a time of sacrifice, where we commemorate the Lurking of Our Lord in the desert for forty days and His temptation by the forces of Conservatism. For other Christian denominations this is a time of introspection, sacrifice, and sometimes even depression. So, business as usual for us. Some of you may see this is an opportunity to freak the mundanes by engaging in "more self-flagellating than thou" behavior. Please keep in mind that God hates a suck-up.

Congregation hisses in dissatisfaction.

PFD: Many people choose to observe Lent by giving something up. I would like to point out that it should be something you enjoy, so no more claiming to give up being happy, wearing bright colors, or going out in the daytime. You would be better advised to help one of our less-spooky brethren in dealing constructively with these feelings.

More hisses.

PFD: Finally, with today being Ash Wednesday, we shall be anointing your foreheads with ash crosses. You may not have it applied upside-down, I don't care how cool, ironic or iconoclastic you think it is.

Congregation frenzies. Howls, hisses, and screams build to ear-splitting pitch. Many church members bare their fangs. Order is restored when Sister PFD throws the hand sign for Advanced Presence. More "Blehs" from Brother Malkav.

PFD: After the anointment, we will serve communion. It will be through Intiction, a.k.a. "Slop and Drop". Please pay attention to the Fall of the House of Ushers, because if you go the wrong way you're liable to drip Christ's Blood into the ash, and while that would definitely make a striking fashion statement it is also extremely poor form. And now, Father Armand Cobwebb will lead us in prayer.

House lights go down. Fog generator starts up. Transcript ends as Worship Service/Rave begins with pipe organist beginning to play E Nomine's Vater Unser:

1 comment:

  1. I'll be first on record as saying:

    THIS is how SNL's Goth Talk should have been done..

    ReplyDelete

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