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Monday, April 7, 2008

Facts about me you'd better find adorable

These are all humorous but 100% true.

1) I never go into a dark room. Ever.

This isn't born out of neurotic fear of the dark but sheer bloodyminded practicality. Sure, I want to avoid stubbed toes and barked shins, but that's not the reason why. No, I do it because in every instance of fiction where a person -- usually a woman -- goes into a dark room without turning on the light, there's something horrible lurking in the shadows.

Do I rationally think there is something waiting the shadows of my bathroom to attack me mid-pee? No. But it's such a trivially easy thing to do, turning on that light; it costs me nothing and potentially nets me everything, i.e. my life.

2) I know my way around my house, in the dark, and can easily make it to a locked room or source or source of weapons in seconds.

This may seem contradictory to Rule 1, but in fact it's a corollary. Sure, I don't want to needlessly expose myself to lurking shadowy peril, but I also don't want to be crippled in case all the lights go out suddenly, whether by thunderstorm or crazed serial Hello Kitty fetishist. Besides, those scenes where Daredevil or Batman beat the crap out of someone in total darkness? Very cool.

So, late at night, once I've made sure that no unauthorized lunatics are in my house, I turn off all the lights and sit quietly on the couch until my eyes have adjusted. Then, in the half-light, I practice my ninja moves, which involve getting into some ridiculous position on the furniture while clutching a bokken. Then I close my eyes and do it in reverse. If I can get down off the curio cabinet without breaking anything, and make it back to my room within bumping into anything, I win.

3) I always look at a chair before I sit, or at the ground before I walk on it.

Chalk this up to living with a Vietnam vet and hearing waaay too many stories about Viet Cong booby traps. People think I'm depressed or avoiding eye contact because my head is down when I walk, but in reality I'm checking for tripwires and bouncing bettys. Again, this costs me nothing if I'm wrong, but has a huge payoff if I'm right.

Also, I never fall in the toilet at night, because I always look before placing my genitals somewhere.

4) When I go to a crowded, public place like a movie theater or restaurant, I immediately look around to find the locations of the bathrooms, kitchen, and emergency exits.

Because you never know when you'll have to evacuate the premises due to fire, a gunman who wants hostages, or a zombie attack.

Plus, bathrooms.

5) I think better in bare feet.

Over-warm feet distract me. Plus, I don't have to worry about tracking dirt onto furniture if I'm barefoot.

6) Sometimes I blog naked.

Like right now! I am so totally naked in front of this computer. Hey, if I think better barefoot, then less clothing = better thinking. That's logic, bitches.


  1. I'm with you on #4. I also try to figure out who is a zombie and who looks like they are too edgy to not be planning something and if they might be big enough that weapons are required to take care of them.

  2. For whatever odd reason, #2 reminds me of the childhood game of trying to get all the way around the living room, or whatever room, without touching the floor. Why did we do that? because the floor was hot Lava of course and you didn't want to get burned up.

  3. you're crazy, i don't look. i just place my genitals anywhere they seem fit.

    though i also look for exits and face the main entrance if possible.

  4. This is an awesome post. I used to be a lot like this, but constant life-changing events have made me less concerned about mortality, ninjas, and land mines.

  5. Hey! I flog naked too!!!

    wait, what did you say?

  6. Erin, you basically sound like every nerd I've ever known (myself included). We're always cognizant of things like exits and potential zombie weapons.

    I actually prefer going into a dark room, however, if I have any knowledge of the set-up, as it gives me an advantage.

  7. Naked? No tinfoil? No tinfoil at all?


    (P.S: Sorry about being gone for so long, but my my internet and your site have been incompatible since january)


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