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Monday, April 21, 2008

How to Curse Properly, Part 5

Here I was, thinking that I had finished instructing my faithful readers on how to swear effectively, when it suddenly dawned on me that not only had I not closed out my series with any sort of an adequate ending, but I also completely neglected collegiate-level cursing, a.k.a multisyllabic invective.

Now, any proper halfwit can string together a series of potty words and call it a day, but that's hardly what I'd call poetic profanity. The problem, of course, lies in the simple fact that complex cursing which is both visceral and eviscerating is unique, made upon the spur of the moment and tailored to fit both the target and the situation.

It's rather like teaching someone to paint. Sure, you can impart the basic techniques (which I have done) but the execution relies upon the soul of the artist. I suppose one could memorize a series of complex put-downs, just as painters often copy the works of the great masters, but the drawback is that to maximize their application one must remove the specificity of the insults, and that greatly reduces their sting.

Besides, "fuck" never really goes out of style, but you can only use "cum-guzzling gutter whore" a limited number of times before it becomes passe.

Fortunately for you, I have a solution:

"Palette's Guide to Proper and Professional Profanity: A Usage Guide"
Whereas Dear Abby deals with life issues and Miss Manners has etiquette, I have decided to devote part of my time towards crafting an advice column regarding -- you guessed it -- the propriety and perpetuation of profanity.

In a question and answer format, I will provide advice and instruction on the proper ways to curse in different situations and environments, as well as helping you craft a devastating invective to unleash upon your nemeses. Naturally, this will require that people actually submit questions, either through the comment page or by emailing erin dot palette at gmail dot com.

I look forward to answering your questions, and helping everyone achieve maximum pleasure from saying naughty words in inappropriate ways.

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