The outpouring of support and unconditional love which has come as a result of this post has been nothing short of astounding. I have been called beautiful, brave, an inspiration and all sorts of other wonderful things.
While I am indeed grateful for these compliments, I need to explain to you how my brain processes them so that maybe you can understand how I feel.
- Why is everyone calling me brave? All I've done is say "Hey, I wear a mask, and here's the real reason why." I'm still completely chickenshit because I still hide behind that mask. How is this at all courageous? Courage would be if threw the damn mask away and posted under my real name and showed my real face. Anonymity is cowardice.
- Why is everyone supporting me? I'm just a voice in the wilderness. 99% of you have never met me. What have I done to earn this amount of love? Because I feel like I've done nothing to deserve it. For whatever reason, my heart or my brain or whatever has decided that I need to earn goodwill, acceptance and love, like it was a paycheck I could cash at the end of a week's worth of working my ass off at being love-able.
- Seriously, have you all gone insane? I'm not worth this. Go get your heads checked. Don't waste this on me, I can't appreciate it (see above points). Spend your emotional currency on someone who deserves it, like your family or your friends or that homeless guy down the street, because (perversely) even though I crave affection and acceptance like a junkie jonesing for a fix, I just can't take anything that's freely offered.
And then, way, way down the list of neurotic "They're just being polite, they don't really mean it" BS, we finally get to
- Still and all... I am completely flattered by all the well-wishing. Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean it's not appreciated.
Or, to put it another way: I'm not calling you a liar. I honestly believe that you believe it. Now you need to help me believe it, too.
Ye gods, I am needy and high-maintenance, aren't I? In fact, the geekiest compliment I ever got was about high-maintenance I am:
"Erin, you are like the Millennium Falcon. You need constant attention and TLC or you'll break down. But when you find that one person who is willing to devote that much effort to you, you outperform everything else in the galaxy."
The sweetest thing that's been said to me so far has been from A Girl and Her Gun (who is basically the gunblog community's girl next door):
I know we are not the same. We don't think or feel the same and our experiences are not one. I mean this only as a way of trying to share and nothing more. Sometimes it doesn't really matter why someone cares or even if we deserve it (we deserve it by the way), sometimes it is healing for both us and those trying to offer support if we just accept the gift. We are all hurting, struggling, dealing with life and most of us recognize a piece of ourselves in others struggles. The details often are different and how each one manifests itself is surly not the same, but the feelings of wanting to be accepted and loved are universal. Few are brave enough to admit those struggles and even fewer are willing to have the courage to accept help and make positive changes in their own life. Courage comes in all forms. Exposing yourself to a group of people who may judge you is a very brave step. You reached out and it's ok to accept the hands reaching back.Well now. That wasn't a lecture -- that was a love letter. And now I'm all sniffly and weepy.
You don't have to change anything to be accepted. Many people wears mask, but they do it more slyly. If you are unhappy, that is the only reason to think about making some positive adjustments, otherwise maybe just let others like you and accept you.
Not meaning to lecture or be long winded.
And now, as a thank you to my readers for wading through this self-indulgent crap, I give you PONIES WITH GUNS. Enjoy!
|Art of the Tactical Carbine by Vombavr|
|M14 EBR, also by Vombavr|
|assdfdsgsg by stupidyou3|
|Mares in Black by Template93|