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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Bidet Shoot After Action Report

I have been told that yesterday's post was "a cocktease." Um, thank you?

At any rate, I shall stop tormenting everyone's roosters and get on to the meat of the matter. WizardPC has some amazing pictures here, and while I will link to some of them you really should go to his blog post and look at them all.

The Bidet Shoot

After waking up and having breakfast, we (Oddball, The_JackAwelowynt and myself) trundled down to the logging camp that would serve as our range. There we met Freiheit, WizardPC, and James & Jim, the father & son who owned the range. Again, my fears were unfounded, as both Wiz & Frei were quite lovely to me and treated me well (even though Freiheit was shocked, the poor dear).

First we unpacked all of the guns and ammunition in a buffet of ordnance that would no doubt kill pearl-clutching anti-gunners:

I regret that there isn't a picture of the pickup with its tailgate full -- and I mean FULL -- of ammo boxes. There was an entire box full of .50 BMG. I thought this was extraordinarily ambitious.

Then we received a brief safety lesson (reiteration of 4 rules, how to call Range Hot and Range Cold, etc), and then it was time to begin the festivities. Since we knew The_Jack was going to shoot his mortar at the end, I thought it was highly appropriate that Freiheit would start things off with his cute li'l Pocket Cannon.

I also regret not getting a picture of this with a toy Pinkie Pie standing next to it. Ah well.

We seeded the range with a variety of targets: sporting clays, silhouettes, metal twirly things and even some small bottles of Tannerite.  I wanted to make sure my Mosin's scope hadn't been knocked out of alignment, so I took aim at one of the Tannerite charges and started shooting. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite tell where I was hitting, so the following exchange happened:

Me: "Hey Awelowynt, can you spot for me?  I can't tell if my shots are high or low."  (This is because the scope is zeroed for 100 yards and the range was only 60.)
Him: "Sure."
Me:  *reloads* *shoots*
Tannerite: *BOOM!*
Him: "... you're a bit low."

We then shot what might be called a metric fuckton of guns.   People were going around like it was a key party, asking "Do you want to shoot my [fill in the blank]?"  Very early on I stated that "My answer to Do you want to shoot one of my guns is always Yes!"   I lost track of how many guns I shot, and sadly I did not get to shoot them all. I know I shot:

  • Oddball's Ishapore SMLE and CETME (which was probably my favorite of the tryout guns); 
  • The_Jack's KRISS Vector SDP and several of his pistols; 
  • Roadkill's [Don't hurt me, I don't know the model] Mauser and revolver; 
  • Freiheit's KSG;
  • and Awelowynt's replica WW1 Trench Shotgun. I also shot his Henry Lever Octagon .22 rifle using subsonic .22 short that was so quiet and recoiled so little I honestly couldn't tell that I'd shot it.

I especially enjoyed the decoration Awelowynt made on this last one, so I brought out some folks who would appreciate it and had their picture taken with it:

I promised you folks a Glockenpony 2, did I not?

Oh, I also got to shoot a FULLY AUTOMATIC UZI.  That was awesome!  I know that full auto causes a barrel to climb, but I really wasn't expecting that degree of "ride up".  I was better the second time, in a more aggressive stance and fully braced, and I shot the hell out of an old water cooler bottle that was sitting at about 30 yards.

I also made sure everyone who wanted to shoot my toys had the opportunity. I believe the general consensus is as follows:
  • The Sub-2000 is a fun gun to shoot, and is well suited to the role of home defense carbine;
  • The Sleep of Reason is far nicer than any Mosin-Nagant has any right to be;
  • Everyone loved the PMR-30 as a fun little gun that was surprisingly accurate, surprisingly smooth, and made satisfying fireballs. Freiheit even went so far as to write a review of it.
  • No one wanted to shoot my SKS except me. 

I also managed to do this with my SKS:

It's hard to tell, but that is a bolt and washer that secured a length of chain to a hanging metal target The_Jack had brought. I, ah, wasn't aware that target was for pistols only, and I, ah, kinda killed it. First it was hanging with both chains, and then a bit later it was dangling with just one, and then it kinda fell to the ground.  Apparently one of my shots hit the bolt square-on and dig a trench out of it, and then the others caused the target to spin and dance such that the other chain failed. Or maybe I shot it too, I don't know.

The good news it was just the bolt and chains that broke, and not the actual steel target, I didn't have to replace it. Jack was a sweetheart and forgave me the chains. What a lovely fellow he is!

After that it was noonish, so we all went to lunch at a local eatery where we shared BS stories and passed around our concealed carry permits, laughing at the horrible pictures. I believe I won the unofficial contest for "If I ever get arrested, this is the picture the news will use."

We returned to the range and, because this was a celebration of Oddball's birthday, we all had cake!

Yes, that's a toilet on the cake.  It's vanilla ice cream with chocolate underneath. Make your own joke.

Yes, we are using a bayonet to cut it. Awelowynt decided that he'd use dry ice to keep it from melting, and so he used an excessive amount of it (20 pounds) to keep it cold. That worked too well -- while the ice cream melted pretty easily in the hot June sun, the chocolate was frozen solid.

There was brief consideration of using the frozen cake as targets, as well as the dry ice.

After this, it was time for the actual shooting of bidets. Now, I had expected something like this:

Instead, we got this:

Which totally makes sense, because we were going to shoot the hell out of it anyway and why waste a perfectly good bathroom appliance, but darn it, I wanted to kill a fanny-flusher. 

Luckily for us, one of the guys (Freiheit, I think) works in home renovation, and so had access to three ratty toilets ("terlets," the in local parlance) for us to perforate. 

The first one disintegrated under a hail of automatic 5.56mm fire. 

We then set up the AR-50 and let the birthday boy have first shot at it. I am pleased to report that it takes two shots to kill a toilet terlet with a .50 cal: one to destroy the tank, the second to destroy the bowl. 

Then I was up with the remaining terlet, and this one had the bidet in it. I killed the hell out of it, too. The recoil was hardly anything, due to the weight of the rifle and the muzzle brake and because I am used to shooting my Mosin-Nagant. The report was impressive, though.

When we called "Range Cold!" and went to inspect the devastation, I was impressed. The bidet was mostly in one piece (aside from having a broken hose) and it had been hurled a distance of two Erin Palettes away from the shattered terlet. I really did measure that: feet at the bidet I assumed the push-up position, and then I moved up and put my feet where my head had been. It really had been thrown two of my body lengths.

(One EP is approximately 5'4" in length.)

After this, I decided that I really, REALLY needed some photographs of the AR-50 with a certain pony.


50 Caliber Glockenpony, bitches!

What happened next was perhaps the manliest thing I have ever seen. The owner of the AR-50 was talking some good-natured smack about how if anyone wanted to shoot it freehand, they were welcome to try, har har. Those pictures don't give a good sense of scale, but that damn thing is about 5 feet long (0.95 EPs) and weighs about 35 pounds, but due to the length it feels more like 50. While I could pick it up to carry, it was too long for me to properly shoulder as the recoil pad kept getting caught in my armpit.

But Oddball, being tall and strong, decided he would give it a try. In a kilt, no less. But he didn't have a good target.

I happened to see a lime-green bowling ball in someone's Box o'Targets and I asked, "How about that?"  It was decided that this would make a splendid target.

We set it up, and... well, let's just let the video speak for itself.

Yes. That is a man in a kilt free-handing a 5', 35 lb rifle and killing a bowling ball at 60 yards. You're welcome, Internet.

That's a heck of a trophy. I believe he took a chunk home with him.

Then we had the closing ceremony where The_Jack fired off his mortar (sadly, no video of this).   It was ... substantially louder than Freiheit's cannon.

After that, we cleaned up the broken pieces of terlet (which was a pain), went back to our hotel rooms, and took showers as some of us (myself included) were suffering from heat exhaustion. Wiz & Frei left for home, but the rest of us went out to dinner with Mr. & Mrs. Roadkill.

Sunday morning came too soon; we were all having a blast and no one wanted to leave. I took it as an excellent sign that, after spending so much time in each other's company, none of us wanted to stop talking at breakfast when we needed to vacate our rooms. And then, after packing up and checking out, we were still BSing in the parking lots.

Group pictures were taken; hugs were handed out (mostly by me); goodbyes were said and we reluctantly went out separate ways.

The Bidet Shoot was an UNQUALIFIED success! Much fun was had by all.  Special thanks to:

  • Lucky Gunner (official sponsor of Bidet Shoot 2013) for providing us with ammunition and a bidet;
  • James and Jim Cook, whose range we used;
  • Charlie Rose, who served our country with distinction and in whose honor the range was named. 

Next Year:  Bidet Shoot 2 -- Flaming Chainsaw Boogaloo!


  1. Great report, and sorry I missed it!

  2. We missed you too! There were certain people whom I was looking forward to meeting, and you were one of them!

  3. I LOVE, love the pocket cannon. What a great bunch of folks and what fun!! Shooting my AARP card seems so 90's now.

    Thanks for sharing and thanks for emailing me some extra pics from the shoot.

  4. wish i could have made it maybe next year, great right up erin

  5. I think I kind of hate you now.
    But in good way.

  6. Not sure why no one wanted to shoot your SKS. I enjoyed my SKS a great deal. Far more fun than AK's in my opinion.

    Thanks for the report.

  7. Typical reply was "Well, I've shot an SKS before" and I hadn't yet tacti-tarted it up.

  8. Resist the urge to tacti-tart it - certainly don't just because others do. I had one once years ago, hung all sorts of plastic furniture, folding stock, dot sights and nonsense on it.

    Shot better with the original wood stocks, original magazine etc. If I got another one, I'd leave it alone. Maybe an aperture rear sight but nothing else.

  9. (toes dirt, embarrassed, while trying to hide the Tapco stuff behind her back)


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