Sunday, May 31, 2009

Ich bin ein Berliner

Rebooting Blog....

Oscillation Overthrusters initialized.

Searching for Schroedinger's Cat...

Cat found. Waveform collapsing.

Reanimating cat....

Reticulating splines...

Locating Pumpkins....

Engaging Goth music...

Begin rhythmic lurking...

You are now Lurking Rhythmically.

Welcome back, Erin. It has been 25 days since your last blog post.

Searching for a Damn...

Damn not found. Do you wish to give a damn (Y/N)? N

Damn not given.

Phoning in current post (Y/N)? Y

Engaging cheap humor... engaged.

Please choose from the following menu:
  1. LOLcat
  2. YouTube video
  3. Photoshopped picture
  4. Lorem Ipsum text
  5. Random Discordianism
Select: 5

Chaos engine engaged...

A Berliner Pfannkuchen (also called Berliner Ballen, Berliner, or Bismarck in Canada) is a predominantly German and Central European doughnut made from sweet yeast dough fried in fat or oil, with a marmalade or jam filling and usually icing, powdered sugar or conventional sugar on top. They are also sometimes available with a chocolate, champagne, custard, mocha, or advocaat filling, or with no filling at all. The filling is injected using a large syringe after cooking.

Heed ye well the Lesson of the Jelly Donut, and seek ye to emulate its noble virtues!
  • Have a sweet exterior, that all may find ye pleasant, yet shapeth that sweetness into a crisp protective coating. Remember, bullshit and a pleasant smile turneth away wrath surer than bullshit alone.
  • Be substantial in the middle, and thusly all shall find ye desirable enough to eat, nudge nudge wink wink, but not so doughy that people look at ye and sayeth "God no, that's so unhealthy I can feel my arteries hardening from here." Because some kinds of hardness be good, and other kinds be bad, and seek ye only the proper kinds of hardness. Or the improper kinds, if that be what ye are into. Eris doth not care who ye screweth, frankly.
  • Finally, though thy skin be firm and thy middle ample, thy soul must be rich, creamy, and silky smooth, for verily, with whom wouldst thou preferest to hang, a prickly douche or a sweet jelly? Knowest this: a jelly donut which lacketh pleasant jelly is at best only a bun, and mayhaps a fucking waste of thy time and money.
Be the Jelly Donut, and seek ye other Jelly Donuts, and cluster 'round them, that ye may more easily be brought together with coffee, and sprinkles, and juice of the orange. AMEN.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Erin to Sortelli: I WIN

I've said before that I am prescient (though really, it's more a case of noting patterns and deducing their conclusions), but never before have I been right about something twice.

I am sharp. Sharp as a goddamn stiletto.

For those who followed the link, you will see I posited that A) Josh Sortelli had abandoned Elf Only Inn, and that B) it would be at least 2008 before he updated it again. I was right on both counts. However, as luck would have it, I wasn't precisely correct. But pray, read on and let me explain and I'll spin you a tale of woe.

Some of you may be wondering, "But Palette! You swore you were done reading EOI! How would you know any of this if you had ceased to give a damn?" More on that later, I promise.

A chronology:

May 25, 2007: Josh Sortelli announces he is having an awesome Memorial Day and will be back Wednesday. Most readers believe this to mean May 30, 2007.

June 5: Canny reader Erin Palette realizes that Sortelli never specified which Wednesday, or indeed which year. She promptly throws a shit-fit.

June 18: Sortelli returns to EOI. There may or may not have been an apology regarding his absence. Strip appears in color for the first time since 2004. Ironically, June 18 is a Monday and not a Wednesday.

August 1 (yes, you read that correctly): First EOI update since 6/18/07. Strip is no longer in color, so that's no excuse for its lateness.

August 27 - September 25: EOI updates intermittently five times, then stops. There may or may not have been an announcement about it; I'm betting on "not".

March 16, 2008: Roughly 7 months after abandoning it, Sortelli returns to EOI. My first set of predictions is proven correct. (This isn't a Wednesday, either.)

March 24: Color returns. Whee.

March 31: Last color strip. Two in a row!

April 7 - April 14: Two more strips before...

May 5, 2008: Another abandonment without notice. I am proven correct yet again. What makes this last bit so delicious is that in his final comic, Sortelli pokes fun at my blog by having a character state that another character's blog "has the worst name of all blogs on the internet. Even worse than Bloviating Rhyhtmically [sic] ..."

July 10: A faithful reader (whose name is forgotten, sadly) informs me that my blog was referenced in the 5/5/08 EOI strip. I read it, chuckle to myself, and write the following message to Mr. Sortelli via his forum:

Well played, Sortelli. Well played indeed.

"Who is this stylish person that is addressing me thus," I hear you ask. Well, I am Erin Palette, the author of the blog Bloviating Rhythththtth Lurking Rythmically.

Let me say two things, right off the bat:
1. I'm not offended
2. I'm glad you're updating again

With that out of the way, let's get down to business. To whit: how should I interpret the second to last panel of your 5/5/08 comic?

You see, I noticed with my keen writer-ly powers that while you poked fun at the name of my blog, you didn't make fun of the contents therein, or even its author. So, in a display of rare discretion and logic, I figured I'd ask you for clarification of intent before I responded.

If you simply needed to make fun of a blog name and mine came up, fair enough. I'll be happy to exchange internet slaps with you and call it done. However, there is every possibility that you don't like me, in which case I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me straight up and we can begin a proper internet feud.

Or, hell, we can FAKE an internet feud. Might be good for readership on both sides.

Finally, there is the statistically unlikely yet still slightly plausible chance that you do actually read and enjoy my blog, and this was a kind of left-handed shoutout. If that's the case, I don't want to respond insultingly to a fan over a misunderstanding.

In conclusion, Mr Sortelli, please contact me at your earliest convenience so that I can reply accordingly. My steam-powered custard pie launchers are standing by, and only await the alert codes.

Bloviatingly yours,

Erin Palette

Naturally, I receive no reply to this.

November 10: Forum declared "On Hiatus" by moderator K-Dawg, pending Sortelli's return and/or Hell Freezing Over.

May 5, 2009: A year to the day that Sortelli and EOI poked fun at me, there are still no updates to the strip. Meanwhile, Bloviating Rhyhtmically here has updated 150 times. I daresay that no matter how many (or how few) readers I have, EOI has less. Therefore, I WIN.

Neener, neener, neener.

It's hard to avoid the temptation to end on a "neener." Still, I realize I should put some kind of end thesis or denouement here, if only to stave off certain attacks and/or flames.
  1. I am not butthurt that Sortelli made fun of my blog's title. As I said in my letter, he carefully did not make fun of me, or any of my content. (Besides, it is rather a silly name.)
  2. Similarly, I have made every effort not to insult Sortelli personally, nor his webcomic (though I may have failed in this; if so, I truly do apologize). As I hope I have made clear, my problem is with his erratic updates, frequent abandonment, and inability to communicate.
  3. Finally, if it turns out that there was some kind of awful personal tragedy that necessitated this abandonment, I will publically apologize and drop a rabid weasel down my pants.
  4. That said, I do feel a bit of artistic rivalry with the man, since he did mention me publically, and therefore a little bit of smack-talking is warranted.
  5. Neener.

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