Saturday, September 14, 2019

Sometimes I think I talk too much...

I came upon this old post of mine recently. Three years ago, I restricted it to friends because I didn't feel comfortable making my insecurity visible to everyone.

I might regret this later, but today I'm going to share it with everyone. I'm not doing it for sympathy or praise; I'm doing it to show you that I'm human, and that we all have doubts we need to overcome if we're going to accomplish anything worthwhile in this world, and to explain to people why I do what I do.

From October 15, 2016:
Sometimes I think I talk too much about being transgender.

You see, the hope of any transgender person is to be thought of as the gender they are, not the gender they were saddled with at birth. But by continually pointing out that I'm trans, I fear that I keep reinforcing in your minds that hey, in case you'd forgotten since yesterday, I was born male.

This is troubling to me on a personal level, because I have fought really hard to be thought of as female, seen as female, treated as female... and then I basically shoot myself in the foot by saying (at least to my mind) "Thank you for treating me like a lady. Did you know I was born with a penis?"

On the other hand, I've realized that there aren't many pro-gun, pro-2A, pro-self defense transgender people out there, and by being outspoken about it I am encouraging the acceptance of queer gun owners. And with the creation of Operation Blazing Sword, I have become a figurehead of sorts, and so I feel I am doing more good by being out, loud, and proud than I am by trying to blend in.

So I feel like I'm put in a very uncomfortable situation: I can do the most good for the most people by living and speaking as "Hi, I'm a transgender gun owner", but that directly hurts my ability to be seen and treated how I want to be seen and treated; or I can do my best to be just a regular woman, and in so doing deny a voice and representation to others.

In another thread, John Bouler pointed out that I've done a lot to help cisgendered folks understand what it's like to be trans. That helps me feel better, because it tells me that I'm at least accomplishing things, even if I can't see results. But I still feel like I'm being forced to choose between continually reminding people of what's between my legs, and doing nothing when I ought to be doing something.

If I could choose, I think I would want a compromise where people somehow tacitly know I'm trans, but it's only in the back of their minds, and they consciously treat me like I'm a cis female.

I wish I could conclude this post by saying "I got my wish," but I didn't; there are still many, many people who are hung up on what I have between my legs when it's none of their business.

However, it's not all bad. I have lots of lovely friends who know and accept and love me for who I am, and they treat me just as I wish. Maybe the others will come in time... or perhaps I'll grow enough in confidence where I won't care how others see me.

Maybe we'll see in another 3 years?

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