Fun with POV: Alternate Take on Baby, It's Cold Outside

When viewed through a certain ideological lens, the classic Christmas song Baby, It's Cold Outside takes on a sinister tone. That ideological lens, though, is very narrow and doesn't take into account (as usual) the social mores of the time in which it was written -- in other words, the lens obscures cultural context. Extramarital sex was frowned upon by society when it was written, and the song is about the internal conflict inside the woman who wants to stay, but is trying to talk herself out of it. (or maybe even into it?)

Much fuss has been made about that song since, and now someone's actually gone ahead and rewritten it based around the concepts of consent and rape culture, because social justice loonies are why we can't have nice things. But what if that lens wasn't the only one you viewed the song through? What if we take someone else's lived experiences and applied it to this classic song?

I give you, now, Salem's version of Baby, It's Cold Outside.

I really can't stay (But baby, it's cold outside)
I've got to go away (That's a funny way of putting it, but okay)

This evening has been (Problematic at best)
So very nice (Well, that's one way of putting it)

My mother will start to worry (Don't you have your own place?)
My father will be pacing the floor (You still live with your parents?)

So really I'd better scurry (A'ight, well, here's your coat)
But maybe just a half a drink more (I really think you've had enough)

The neighbors might think (They're busy playing X-Box)
Say what's in this drink? (Okay, this is getting weird. Why are you still here?)

I wish I knew how (Door. Right there.)
To break this spell (Bye, Felicia. Get gone.)

I ought to say, no, no, no sir (You already did. You're creeping me out.)
At least I'm gonna say that I tried (Is this some kind of setup? Are you recording this?)

I really can't stay (Look, just go, I'll call you tomorrow.)
But baby, it's cold outside

I simply must go (You keep saying that)
The answer is no (And yet you're still here.)

Your welcome has been (Retracted. You can go now.)
So nice and warm (And now we're heating the neighbourhood because you're leaving the door open)

My sister will be suspicious (You know, I really don't like your sister.)
My brother will be there at the door (Your brother needs to chill out.)

My maiden aunt's mind is vicious (Your what now?)
But maybe just a cigarette more (Out on the porch. My flat doesn't allow smoking.)

I've gotta get home (What do you want, cab fare?)
Say lend me a coat (The hell is wrong with yours?)

You've really been grand (You're starting to scare me.)
But don't you see? (I'm pretty sure you're the one that doesn't see.)

There's bound to be talk tomorrow (That's kinda what I'm worried about.)
At least there will be plenty implied (That sounds like a threat.)

I really can't stay (That's it, I'm calling the cops.)
Baby, it's cold
Baby, it's cold outside

(Hi, police? There's a crazy woman in my house that won't leave. Can you help?)

Tiny Sutures

I am a big fan of Howard Tayler's Schlock Mercenary. Last Sunday he had the following strip (follow this link so you don't have to squint to read the text):

The phrase "tiny sutures" really stuck with me for a reason which will become apparent in a moment. I regret that it took me four days to come up with this, but now, with apologies to both Howard Tayler and Don Ho, I present...

Tiny sutures (tiny sutures )
In my eye (In my eye)
Make me happy (make me happy)
Make me not die (make me not die)

Tiny sutures (tiny sutures)
It's not rocket science
Oh, Tailor, aren't you gonna
Sew some beauties in my eye?

So here is an injury
You have a chance to shine
Why don't you get a-stitching
In my brain?

Tiny sutures (tiny sutures)
In my eye (In my eye)
Make me happy (make me happy)
Make me not die (make me not die)

Tiny sutures (tiny sutures)
It's not rocket science
Oh, Tailor, aren't you gonna
Sew some beauties in my eye?

If you aren't familiar with the tune, I have provided it here for your convenince. Please forgive me for not attempting to filk the Hawaii'an lyrics.

Lie to Me

(spoken)

Hey.
You there.
Tell me I'm the one who sets your world on fire.
Say that I'm the only one that you desire.
Lie to me.

(singing in a minor key)

Hey.
You on the street.
Say that I'm the kind of girl you'd like to meet.
Tell me I make you tingle from your head down to your feet.
Lie to me.

(up tempo)

Tell me that you love me.
Tell me that you care.
Tell me that you need me
Like you need the air.

I know that it's a lie
But it's what I need to hear
To make it through the night
When the Wolf is at my ear.

Hey.
You there.
Lie to me.

(instrumental bridge; key change upward; faster tempo )

Feel like I've been lied to all my whole life
Don't see why that should change even now
Never gonna get to be someone's wife
So lie and say I make your heart go "wow!"

(spoken)
Because even cows get milked once in a while...

(back to original key)

Hey.
You at the bar.
Wanna take me home in your fancy car?
You can even hit me -- it won't leave a scar.
Just lie to me.

Hey.
You on the phone.
Won't you please throw a dog a fucking bone?
All I know is I don't wanna be alone.
Lie, lie to me.

Tell me that you love me.
Tell me that you care.
Tell me that you need me
Like you need the air.

I know that it's a lie
But it's what I need to hear
To make it through the night
When the Wolf is at my ear.

Hey.
You there.
Lie to me.

(fade out)

(spoken; no music; original tempo)

Hey.
You there.
Lie to me.