I Command You to Submit!

New entries for The Frankenstein Protocols are up.

Wednesday Night Wackiness: The WTF Blanket

Is it just me, or do these people look like cultists, in their identical blood-red robes?

Boring middle-class cultists, though. It's like... instead of worshiping Cthulhu or Hastur or Dagon, they worship Dick Cheney or Donald Trump.



Link.

The Frankenstein Protocols

This is an idea I had about 10 years ago and never really got around to developing. It's basically a variation on the Evil Overlord List, but geared toward preventing mad scientists from being total putzes and being destroyed by their own creations.

As you can see, I have only a few entries. I welcome and encourage everyone to contribute to this list (that's why they aren't numbered) or even suggest new categories. You are free to collect this list and email it, post it to websites, etc, as long as you list me as the original author. Contributors will be credited, assuming I get any submissions.

EDIT: New submissions are printed in bold.

And now, I present to you all....

THE FRANKENSTEIN PROTOCOLS

Basic Safety

• As a scientist, I am neither the strongest nor the most charismatic person in existence. However, it is entirely likely that I am the smartest. Therefore, under no circumstances will I endeavor to create something that is smarter than I, be it organic, computerized, or extra-dimensional. Something that is smarter than me is something which can out-think me, and therefore conquer me. I know this because I'm smarter than everyone else and I'm plotting to conquer them.
• Remember: a remote lab is free of meddlesome do-gooders and investigators, but it is also beyond the response range of fire, medical, and rescue units. Mad Laboratories must be maintained well beyond OSHA standards.
  
• A loyal lab assistant is good. A loyal security detail is better. But a dedicated damage control team is best.
• Should anyone cause the failure of my most precious experiment, inadvertently or not, I will not hold a permanent grudge and devote my life for revenge. I am still entitled to yell at him/her right after the experiment is ruined, though. (submitted by McNum)
• I will consider if any device I create can somehow be used against me and develop countermeasures if so. (submitted by McNum)
• I shall cultivate a healthy relationship with neighboring townspeople: attending their fairs and events, inviting them to the castle for pot luck dinners, and giving them free health care. Ignorance breeds fear, but no one assembles a pitchfork-and-torch wielding mob to attack "kindly old Doc F." (submitted by Chris Bridges)
• I am a scientist, not a warlord. Taking over the world by force is therefore inadvisable. There are likely to be bigger military geniuses out there than me. I can invent the weapons, but not fight the war. (submitted by McNum)
  
• Close political proximity to an Evil Overlord can be beneficial. Close physical proximity is usually less so. There are many various sub-species of Overlord; however, they all possess a similar resistance to the process of Trial and Error. As such, they tend to gravitate toward the idea of "If it fails, kill the person that suggested it."(submitted by M_I_Abrahms)

Standards & Practices

• As a scientist, my mind is my most valuable asset. As a result, I will not cultivate the "exposed brain" aesthetic. A skull reinforced with kevlar and titanium is more sensible.
• I will not purposefully misspell the name of my creation in order to achieve a pleasant alliteration or a useful acronym. Mad Science does not excuse bad grammar.
• Similarly, if I intend to use a dead language in the process of creating something, I will first ensure that I am completely fluent in that language. Summoning a Babylonian demon while attempting to create a pulchro-simulationix will invalidate my experiment, to say the least.
• While peer recognition is important to me, I must nevertheless resolve NOT to reveal how I accomplished any given scientific achievement. Therefore, when a party of do-gooders gasps in astonishment and suggests that which I have done is impossible, I will NOT explain that a fantastically miniaturized quantum power source at the base of my creature's brain is the secret to the whole thing. Instead, I will simply nod and say, "You're right. It's impossible." (submitted by John N.)
• I am a Mad Scientist, not an Evil Overlord. Therefore it is perfectly acceptable for me to cackle madly at the triumph of my creation. However, I will work with a vocal coach to insure that my mad cackle is properly intimidating without leaving me out of breath.
• If I am unable, unwilling, or sufficiently distracted to perform a properly mad cackle, I shall designate a henchman, who has likewise received vocal training, to do it for me.
• I will accept the possibility of "magic". At the rate new discoveries about the universe have been found, it would be stupid to rule out this possibility. Especially if my next door neighbor is a witch, wizard, vampire or similar. (submitted by McNum)
• If magic exists, it must be analyzed. If I can figure out quantum physics with nothing more than a pencil and a stack of post-its, I can figure out magic. As a girl genius once said: "Any sufficiently analyzed magic is indistinguishable from science." (submitted by McNum)
• Note: One more like these and I'll create a separate category for magic.
  

Tampering in God's Domain

• If I do decide to create a pulchro-simulationix, her source of power and/or nutrition will not be sexual in nature. I want a sexual partner, not a succubus that will kill me through dehydration.
  
• Unless I plan on dying after its release, every creation will have some manner of an "off switch". Preferably remote. (addition by Tripp_Hazzard)
  
• I will not control my creations through pain, drugs, or aversion therapy. Instead, I will use a radical technique known as "good parenting" and ensure that they obey me because they love their Daddy.
• If my creation still holds a ravening hatred of my very being, despite my best efforts to be a good parent, I will destroy it. I will not lock it away somewhere where some Goody-Goodnik can release it and use it against me.(submitted by Tripp_Hazzard)
  
• I know that in the party of inevitable do-gooders out to ruin my day, one will be an attractive member of the preferred sex of my Monstrous Creation of Doom. Therefore I shall neglect to give it a gender of any type, ruling out 'lust' as a reason for betrayal. (submitted by Seph Hexen WR)
• Corollary to above: my pulchro-simulationix shall never, under any circumstances, become my Monstrous Creation of Doom, lab assistant, security chief, damage control chief, etc., because depriving her of gender rather defeats the whole purpose of a pulchro-simulationix in the first place.
  

Mad Computer Science

• The laws of probability dictate that if I am involved in A.I. research, at least one of the do-gooders out to ruin my day will be computer savvy. As such, if I create a sentient robot it will not be compatible with Windows or any other commercially available operating system. (submitted by Demonic Bunny)

Mad Human Resources

• I shall do my utmost to insure that any and all laboratory assistants I hire are competent. The least that I should find myself accepting of in this category should be of the college level. While a high school or lower education could perform the menial tasks I am sure to give them, it is within my best interests to have an assistant that's at least capable of pretending to be a civilized individual, and if they've made it into college, they can at least manage that. (submitted by MikoReimu)
• I shall endeavor to make sure that my assistants are taken care of well. They should receive a decent wage, have the best health benefits I can manage to give them, and I should treat them more like a friendly associate then some meager tool for my own nefarious ends. This gives the added security that, should any goody-two-shoes types try to infiltrate my agency through the acquisition of spies, they will have a harder time convincing my men (women, or not-applicable - equal opportunity recruitment tactics also helps) will have very few reasons to want to turn against me. After all, I'm paying them good money, health care, and treating them like almost equals. What's a hero going to offer them that can compete? (submitted by MikoReimu)
• All of my hirelings, underlings, lackeys, and creations which are capable of human speech shall be held to the highest standards of grammatical correctness. Splitting an infinitive, ending a sentence with a preposition or using "who" instead of "whom" will be met with immediate imprisonment, as they are either being mind-controlled or are do-gooders in disguise. (derived from a submission by Anvildude)
  
• As above, but with hygiene and basic grooming. A disheveled uniform and handsomely rugged stubble is a giveaway.
  
• I am not an Evil Overlord, so I have no reason to keep captives. If I must restrain someone, I will lock them to a hospital bed and then immediately administer a drug-induced coma.
  

The James Bond Kit

Those of you who are following my Twitter feed are no doubt aware that a week ago I received, as an early birthday present, a shiny new laptop: an Acer Aspire 5515. Unfortunately, it runs Vista; fortunately, it has 3 gigs of RAM so it's actually fast enough to run that beast at a decent speed. But its best feature, as far as I'm concerned, is an inbuilt wi-fi, because that means I can now escape to the nearest library or coffee shop and write without the constant distractions of my family, whom I love dearly except when they're bothering me.

However, there is one small, almost trifling problem: this laptop is too big to fit my old (non-wi-fi) laptop case.

You'd think this wouldn't be a problem. It gives me an opportunity to shop for accessories, and according to cliche', that's what women live for. And I do like looking for the right bag. The problem, my dears, is that I can't find what I'm looking for.

When I was 6 or 7, my parents took me to see my very first James Bond film, and like most children I was immediately captivated by all the gadgets. Not only by how nifty they were, but how small they were as well (this was years before the Transformers came out, by the way), and how they were used at precisely the right time.... oh, Eddie Izzard explains it much better than I:



Yes, quite. So anyway, after seeing this James Bond movie, one of my first acts was to go home and assemble what I called a James Bond Kit. It sounds impressive, sure, but really it was just an old tote bag filled with various toys that I thought could be marginally useful in a James Bond style scenario:

• a cheap flashlight
• a plastic canteen
• a toy compass
  
• a toy knife
• a jump-rope, which I could turn into a lasso, or tie someone up with, or use as a garrote
  
• a set of my mother's old crochet hooks, which I thought looked a little bit like lock picks
• some jacks, which I thought could make dandy caltrops

As you can see, it rather failed at being truly James Bond-ish, but you can't deny the thinking that went into it: These are things I think will be useful in a pinch, and I want them all in an easy-to-carry bag. I'd also like to note for completeness' sake that I spent my elementary school years on military bases in Europe during the Cold War, so that also helps explains why my kit was closer to a half-asses Boy Scout's rucksack than actual cool super-spy gear.

No joke: I actually grew up afraid that one day, we'd get a call in the middle of the night that the Russians were pouring across the borders, and that I'd have to abandon my dog and my toys to go hide in the countryside while my father went off to war. That probably explains quite a lot about me and my quirks.

Now, fast-forward many years. I'm older and more sophisticated, but I still haven't outgrown the notion of a James Bond kit. Nowadays, I have a backpack that I take most places (hanging rakishly off one shoulder, natch) that contains the following:

• first aid kit
• sewing kit
• duct tape
• electrical tape
• Leatherman tool
• wire cuttters/strippers
• 15-in-1 screwdriver/ratchet
• Swiss Army knife
• Husky multi-wrench
• carbide-blade pocket saw
• wrench thingie offered with above (sometimes you need 2 wrenches, amirite?)
  
• Emergency Pro hand-crank flashlight/cell phone charger
• portable World Band radio (chargeable with above item)

Then there's the stuff in the trunk of my car:

• bolt cutters
• survival blanket/tarp/poncho
• entrenching tool
• big-ass Mag Light flashlight

I don't do this out of paranoia. I'm not afraid that at some point I'll need to flee civilization and survive in the wild for years. (If I did, I'd own an off-road vehicle, and it would have camping gear and rations in it.) No, I just kind of pick this stuff up, because it seems nifty and useful and, well, James Bond-ish.

Which brings us back to my quest for the proper bag for my laptop. You see, it can't JUST hold my laptop; it also needs to hold all my other crap, too, because at this point I'm carrying several pounds of metal and I'm starting to get funny looks when I set my bag down and it goes clink.

I want a bag that can hold all this stuff, but more importantly, it can't just be thrown in there. Oh no. Because, you see, this is a JAMES BOND KIT, and that can't be girly. Stuff just tossed into the main pocket? Exceptionally girly, because that's just an oversize purse.

I want something that's tough. Utilitarian. Military. Perhaps even ridiculously macho.

I want this sucker to have reinforced grommets. I want it to be made from ripstop nylon. I want it waterproof, rainproof, bulletproof if possible. I want my laptop to be cradled in a shockproof cocoon of foam rubber. And I want it to have dozens, perhaps hundreds, of pouches, snaps, tie-downs, pockets, and those expandable holdy-things that can hold a 2 liter soda bottle but compress into a slot the size of a credit card.







God help me, I want a computer bag designed by Rob Liefeld, because there is something just obscenely decadent about each tool having its own little pocket, snuggled up asleep in an individual cocoon.

... okay, on second thought, having a little nest for every tool is actually pretty girly after all. I would indeed tuck them each into place, like a mother putting her children to bed at night. But I digress...

Still, the problem with desiring a Rob Liefeld Bag is that, much like his anatomical drawing, such things are clearly impossible to find in real life.

So I turn to you, my dear readers, to help me find the nearest equivalent of a Rob Liefeld Bag for my James Bond Laptop Kit. It doesn't even have to be an actual laptop bag (in fact, I'm pretty sure it won't, as those seem restricted to either "oversized purse" or "leather attache case" categories); I'm fine with repurposing bags designed for other uses.

So far, the closest I have come to fulfilling my design aesthetic is a SWAT Bag, but even that not quite what I want. I definitely feel that military surplus is the way to go, but am willing to consider other options (like what they transport camera lenses in) as long as they satisfy my "tons of pockets" needs.



Color, of course, needs to be either gray or black.

Price should be in the "expensive, because you're paying for quality" range, but lower than "Oh my God you paid HOW MUCH?",
which is probably in the $50 - $100 range.

I can't really promise any fabulous prizes for helping me find my ideal Rob Liefeld Bag, but as longtime reader Nathan Tamayo will attest, if you do something nice for me, I do something nice in return. So send me your ideas, your links, your witty comments, and not only will I write a follow-up post containing the best of these, but I will do or give something quite spiffy to the winner.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go put on my jam trousers.

Friday Night Fights: Christian Bale vs his director

This is sort of a "perfect storm" of things I adore: techno music, Christian Bale, and profane tirades using the word "fuck".

This is SO not safe for work:


If you'd like to download it as an mp3 (and why wouldn't you? I personally plan to add it to my "driving in rush hour traffic" playlist), you can find it here.

Trying something new

I've just started a short-short story using Twitter. It's called "Stiletto Staccato" and it's in chunks of 140 characters or less.

I hope you like it. When I'm done, I'll collect it all here for your sequential reading pleasure.

New Heroes Tonight

Just as a reminder. ;)

I can't watch it tonight, but I'm taping it.

Special thanks to Pepsiman for showing me this commercial: