SHTFriday: Part 4 of my Bug-Out Bag series

Go read the whole article over at Blue Collar Prepping.

A Simple Contract in Plain Language

Count Drugula (see previous post) was an NPC in my Traveller game for over a year. When the PCs met him, half of the party was in jail for accidentally tear-gassing Starport Authority Security (long story) and he was hired as their lawyer to get them out on bail.

Of course they met him a bar. Why would you even ask?

Anyway, several play sessions full of hijinks later, the PCs were looking to replace the ship they'd lost (longer story) and asked him to be their patron. Why they thought this was a good idea is unknown to me, but this is the same group who later installed the Turbo-Encabulator on their ship on the principle of "Hey, the science is sound", which tells you that they make poor life choices pretty regularly.

In fact, I made this for them last August:

Made at http://zho.berka.com/stuff/lbb-covers/

Back on topic:  the PCs wanted a filthy-rich noble of a party disposition to be their boss and buy them a ship. The Count thought about this and gave a counter-proposal, which they accepted.  Reading the terms of the contract should give insight into how his mind works:

Yes, during the course of play the Count did make demands regarding where to fly, or what to do. The PCs were often drafted into roles as bodyguards, entourage, and flunkies. The Count also got them into trouble about as many times as he got them out of it.

Sadly, Count Tobias Stavelot is no longer part of their adventuring group. As a result of a botched encounter with an active Ancient base and a functioning, genocidal AI, the Count was trans-speciated into a Droyne along with most of the planet's inhabitants. (Even longer story).  He is now quite happy as Leader of Leaders on Fulacin, his psionic powers restored and his every whim attended to by an adoring population of lower-caste Droyne who now look to him for guidance.

God help the Imperium.

Traveller Tuesday: the Count of Upward Failure

The following character is a long-running NPC from my Traveller game (now entering its third year of play). He started out as a thought exercise: What do you do when you roll a character with the stats 2, 6, 4, 2, 6 and 11?

You put the 11 into Social Standing, choose the Noble career, roll on the Personal Advancement charts to raise those horrible stats, and do your best to fail upwards. 

My use of Traveller setting and dress falls under
fair use guidelines for both Mongoose and Far Future Enterprises.

Tobias Stavelot,
played by John Quale,
aka Prince Poppycock. 

If the rumors are to be believed, Tobias Albert Stavelot, first issue of Duke Walter and Duchess Helena Stavelot of Jewell, was born on Holiday (001) of 1028 and has never stopped partying. 

Growing up in the Ducal household of Jewell, Tobias ("Call me Toby") never seemed to mature into the man his father wanted him to be. Instead of becoming the professional soldier, administrator and politician that would one day one day inherit responsibility of administering Jewell Subsector, he instead possessed what can be charitably called "an artistic temperament." In other words, he was undisciplined, hedonistic, and fickle. 

It is believed that this was the result of a radical treatment performed upon him during his early teens. With the onset of puberty came indications of psionic aptitude at a strength that was both remarkable and rare. Needless to say, the revelation of the Duke of Jewell having a psionic heir would have caused a scandal within the Imperium, and the proximity of Jewell to the Zhodani border might have resulted in the Stavelots losing their appointment and being recalled to Capital. 

Duchess Helena Stavelot,
played by Audrey Hepburn.

Therefore, the Duke (against his wife's wishes) insisted that his son have all traces of psionic ability purged from him. This was accomplished through what was, essentially, a very precise chemical lobotomy. The doctor who performed this procedure assured the Duke that there would be no noticable brain damage, but in hindsight it was apparent that Tobias deeply missed his psionic connection to the world. Having been robbed of a sense he considered vital, he spent the next 16 years in the pursuit of such vice and chemical stimulation that it would make Hunter S. Thompson blush. 

He became the media darling of the Jewell cluster in the style of Lindsey Lohan crossed with Paris Hilton: famous for being famous, a glorious trainwreck of debauchery followed by the tabloids, equally envied and laughed at by the populace. Were it not for his doting mother, he might very well have been disowned by his father; instead, she exerted her influence with the media to keep his worst excesses off-screen. She believed that he simply needed to come to terms with who he was now, and she allowed him to indulge his vices while providing him with a security detail to prevent any harm from coming to himself or others. 

She was eventually proven correct: by age 25, Tobias decided there needed to be more to life than becoming trashed every night, and asked his father for an internship within the Jewell Diplomatic Corps. When asked what he could possibly offer as a diplomat, he answered "Father, you may know politics, but I know people. I understand vice like you understand war, for I have lived it nightly. Even heads of state let their hair down from time to time; after all, I have seen the galas you and mother have thrown. Tell me, what would it profit you if I could show an ambassador such a good time that he was predisposed to agree with you?"

Duke Walter Stavelot,
played by Campbell Scott

The deal was struck, and Tobias entered the Diplomatic Corps that night. The press immediately dubbed him the "Count of Upward Failure," and he embraced the term unironically, even going so far as to change his noble title to Le Comte Raté vers le Haute.

For nearly 30 years he did indeed manage to fail upwards, acting as essentially a weaponized Keith Richards (with a Carouse skill of 6) who greased the social wheels to subsector politics. At some point along the way he actually became an acceptable diplomat and half-decent administrator, even going so far as to earn a law degree. As a reward for his service to the Imperium, he was granted the family vacation home on Mongo which he turned into a Casablanca for visiting dignitaries. So great was his effectiveness that he became known as "Count of Mongo", despite the fact that the planet never warranted any noble greater than a Baron, and he ceded his inheritance to his younger brother, Eneri. Tobias stepped down to become a mere a Baron of Jewell, and Eneri Stavelot became the heir-apparent. Then, in 1081, disaster struck. 

It's unfair to say that the Count started the Fourth Frontier War. It's more accurate to say that a lapse of judgement on Tobias' part led to an indiscretion with a Zhodani ambassador's daughter, which caused said ambassador to return home in a fury. This chilled relations between the two polities, and when tensions arose over the Imperium reopening the Naval base at Quar, diplomatic relations were at a significant low. It is believed that the Zhodani perceived Quar as provocation piled atop insult, which is how the shooting began. 

After this debacle, it was suggested that Tobias quietly retire and leave Jewell cluster, as even his mother's influence could not protect him from backlash. And so, the Count of Upward Failure left to travel the Imperium and sample all the forms of hedonism he could find.

https://tinyurl.com/23a7wxmn

The Most Honorable Tobias Albert Stavelot, 

Le Comte Raté vers le Haute, 

Count of Mongo and Baron of Jewell

UPP: 578ABE

Carouse-6, Deception-3, Diplomat-3, Persuade-3, Admin-1, Advocate-1, Blade-0

"My dear boy, I have eaten, drunk, injected, snorted, absorbed and imbibed every substance known to humaniti. I have fucked my way across entire star systems. Once, I even buggered a K'kree. Do not bore me with your pedestrian vices, for I seek the nirvana of stimulation itself." 

Count Tobias (known in some circles as "Count Drugula") has an encyclopedic knowledge of vice. In many cases this gives him rudimentary knowledge of chemistry (drug interactions), medicine (hangover cures), anatomy (pleasure zones), and the like. As a rule of thumb, if a skill roll can somehow be derived from hedonism, allow him to roll half his Carouse instead. 

The Count has very extensive augmentation; in addition to body mods (muscle & bone lace, subdermal armor, advanced antibodies, etc) and mental augments (dedicated neural computer to aid in memory and access to library data), all of his internal organs are cutting-edge biotechnology. The ostensible reason for this is to make him immune to poison and overdose, and allow him to keep entertaining guests when a normal human body would give out. The real reason is closer to "He would have died long ago from abusing his body if his mother hadn't ordered this." At this point, he can metabolize practically any toxin, and probably urinates pure LSD. 

He has also been on a steady dose of anagathics since joining the diplomatic corps, as have his parents. Between that and high-TL medical procedures, his appearance is that of a man in his perpetual 30s.

As a result of the medical procedure which burned out his psi aptitude and decades of abusing mind-altering substances, he is immune to telepathy. Oh, his mind can be read; it just returns garbled nonsense, like tuning in to a scrambled television channel. Prior to his indiscretion and subsequent drug abuse, he had the best relationship with the Zhodani of any diplomat: they knew he was hiding nothing from them, and yet there was no danger of him revealing any state secrets to them (largely because he didn't know anything of value). 

The Count is fabulously wealthy, with assets (not counting liquidity) totaling over 20 MCr. Nearly all of this is in investments and property, which grants him a lifetime income of 100,000 credits per year for doing absolutely nothing. Some of this money he banks and some he gambles with, which means that at any given moment he could have several MCr in his pockets, or he could be completely broke. In the rare instance that happens, he practices Imperial law out of a rented starport office (Which starport? It doesn't matter.) in order to pay his bills (usually his bar tab). 

The Count can be a patron, a foil, or a rival (or all of the above) to Traveller PCs. 

Playing the Count: Imagine Captain Jack Sparrow (a.k.a. Johnny Depp's Keith Richards impression) cosplaying as either Hunter S. Thompson or Denny Crane (from Boston Legal). 

Monday Gunday: This is a dumb, useless thing

I am a Second Amendment Activist. This means that I am enthusiastic about the right to carry a weapon and the right to defend myself (and your right to defend yourself). However, this does not mean that I believe everyone must carry; that is a personal decision and one I will not force upon you. I simply believe that you should be able to make that decision in the first place.

Or, as I like to put it, "I'm not trying to put a gun into your hand. Please do me the same courtesy of not trying to pry my pistol out of mine."

And then I see something like this, and it makes me fear for the future of our species:

From the offending company's website:

WHO ARE PCD DEVICES FOR?

• These devices are for those who wish to feel protected but do not want the hassle of owning an actual firearm

• PCD's require no background check or permit since they are not actual firearms

• Store doesn't have your favorite ammunition in stock?

• Want to wear in a parking lot and stow away in purse once you've reached your destination and not fear a discharge? 

• Don't want the fear of young children finding a loaded weapon by mistake?

• Give your unarmed security staff a more authoritative presence

• Shop owners concerned about robbery

• Know someone who could benefit from carrying a handgun, but aren't safety conscious?

• Don't want to be approached by a criminal element? As you can see, the uses and possibilities are endless.

Don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on something that may not be used? The all in one piece construction of these devices addresses all of these hurdles while still allowing for the benefits of open carry.

Personal Carry Decoys, or Personal Crime Deterrents are designed to provide a "strong" defensive posture to those who wear one and has the look of a live weapon. Remember, Perceived Carry is all about the perception that you are ready for business and let's face it, perception is reality.

Be intimidating. Be protected.

WHAT PCD'S ARE NOT FOR

• HOME PROTECTION
• LAW ENFORCEMENT SITUATIONS
• SELF DEFENSE

FEATURES

• Safe one piece construction, device does not come out of holster
• Life-like appearance of actual firearm
• Comes with holster that includes a belt loop
• Increased level of protection associated with open carry

I... you... what?

Look, I'm going to make this really easy for you: If you don't want to carry a gun, then don't carry one. It's that simple. 

If you think owning a gun is a hassle, I'm not going to judge you: there are lots of things I don't own because they're a pain in the rear to maintain or are otherwise more work than fun. But for the love of all that's holy, do NOT strap a toy gun to belt to make you feel more protected.

Don't. Just... don't. Would you like some reasons why?

1. Guns are not totems. They do not magically keep you safe by their mere presence; you have to know how to use them, and more importantly, you have to have the will to use them. Everyone who carries a pistol for self-defense knows, at some level, that they may need to take a life in defense of themselves or another. This is an intensely personal decision that they make every time they strap that holster to their body. Carrying a piece of inert plastic requires no such decision and no such will; it has all of the protective juju of a lucky rabbit's foot. 
2. What are you going to do when a criminal sees the fake pistol and decides that either you get shot first, or that he will take your weapon from you? (And believe me, if you aren't mentally prepared to shoot someone for realsies, carrying a plastic totem is not going to give you confidence and an anti-crime aura. The most you will look like is an easy victim with a high-value item.)
3. Carrying openly?  See #2, above, only magnified. You might as well be a 100 pound nerd in an 80s movie with taped glasses and a sweater vest. 
4. Carrying concealed? I imagine you don't have a permit, since carrying a real gun is too much of a hassle. Tell me, how do you think the police will react if they see a gun-shaped bulge and you don't have a license for it? Do you think they'll laugh at the all-in-one plastic design and say "G'wan, ya joker, get outta here"? Or do you think they will confiscate it, likely write you a citation, and possibly arrest you for carrying something that a reasonable person would think is a concealed firearm? 
5. As a gun owner, I am held to a higher standard of behavior. I must keep my cool, because if I have a freak-out and threaten (or attack) someone, and the police are called, simply having a firearm in my possession makes things worse. Someone who owns a toy like this won't have that mindset. That someone might lose their cool and say something like "I'll kill you!" to another, who might rightfully feel threatened by someone wearing a gun delivering death threats. See #4, above, for how the police will likely respond to that. 

Please, don't do this. Carrying something like this is only the illusion of safety. It's like saying "I am afraid of kitchen fires, but I think owning a fire extinguisher is a hassle, so I'm going to get a plastic fire extinguisher instead. It will give me confidence when dealing with situations where a fire might occur."

If you're going to carry a gun, carry it for real and accept all of the "hassle" that comes with it.

Gun Blog Variety Podcast #21

http://tinyurl.com/nmwoenx

It's time for another episode of The GunBlog VarietyCast!

Adam and Sean host another riveting episode:

• I talk about Light and Fire.
• Nicki Kenyon drops in to talk NSA and Edward Snowden.
• Miguel Gonzalez chats about what lessons we can learn from Paris.
• Barron B. sees some computer hacks in the wild.
• And Weer'd takes note of the anti-gunner blood dancing over the poor woman in Idaho accidentally shot by her child.

All that and more, so download, listen, and subscribe. And don't forget to share it with a friend!

Listen to the podcast here,

Show notes may be found here.

SHTFriday: More Posts About Bug-Out Bags

Oh, wow. So apparently not only did I forget to post the link to part 3 of my bug-out bag series for Blue Collar Prepping article on Friday (I'm postdating this so it shows up properly in the archives, but I'm actually writing this on Sunday), I also forgot to do the same thing for part 2 as well. Sheesh!


All right, then. For consistency's sake:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

From the Archives: Seashells

Hi everyone. Still on vacation. Next week resumes with new material, but here's a bit I wrote involving one of my favorites series of all time. One of the few pieces of fan fiction, you might say, that I've ever written. Video included for context if you're not a Mass Effect fan. 

In a reality sideways from our own, some details were different about the Reaper War. Some lives that were sacrificed in our timeline were spared, and some lives spared were ended prematurely. This is one such story.

     About an hour before the last light gave up on the beaches of Nevos, Doctor Mordin Solus squatted carefully in the sand, taking an inventory. As was often the case, Solus was lost deep in thought, and muttered to himself in half-song, half scientific jargon.

I've studied species mollusk, horseshoe, and exuviae

I'm quite good at conchology as a subset of zoology

because I am an expert which I know is a tautalogy

     Mordin picked up an especially interesting specimen, an Asari mollusk that grew abnormally large in Nevos's freshwater oceans. He turned it over in his hands, his primary finger tracing the coils affectionately.

My phylogeny studies range from aquatic to agrarian

Appreciating gastropods and cephalopods and scaphopods

In short, in matters purely mollusk and crustacean, I am the very model of a...

     “Hm. Last verse...problematic. Oceanographer too long. Marine Biologist clumsy....ah!” He hissed to himself with the pleasure of finding the solution.

I am the very model of a malacologist Salarian!

     Mordin looked up, spotting the red-haired woman in Alliance blues.

“See? Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.”

     With a barely suppressed grin, she tactfully replied, "Mordin...have you thought of learning a new song?"