An open letter to Tim Minear

Dear Tim,

I'm very sorry to hear that you and Fox have broken up again. I'm sure you're in a lot of pain right now, and you really do have my sympathy for that, but really, you have no one but yourself to blame at this point.

I realize you don't want to hear this, but as your friend I have to say it: how many times must that little bitch dump you before you realize that you're too good for her? A whore is a whore, my friend, and you deserve far better than that.

I realize that you have a history with her, but you need to stop living in the past. How many of your shows must she murder before you finally see the light?

• Firefly
• Wonderfalls
• The Inside
• and now Drive.

Take a cue from your buddy Joss and cut ties with the little slut. She doesn't love you, she just wants to rape your ideas after sucking you dry of creativity. Let her go, I say, to wallow in the filth of cheap reality TV and animation that ceased being funny a decade ago. Oh sure, there are a few good shows left (but I wonder about 24 these days) but those are simply lures.

Lures, you ask? Let me tell you about the anglerfish:

Their most distinctive feature, worn only by females, is a piece of dorsal spine that protrudes above their mouths like a fishing pole—hence their name. Tipped with a lure of luminous flesh this built-in rod baits prey close enough to be snatched. Their mouths are so big and their bodies so pliable, they can actually swallow prey up to twice their own size.

Don't you see the resemblance, Tim? Can't you see that she's nothing but a skanky predator?

You need a nice girl, Tim. One that cares about her programming. How about HBO or FX? They aren't afraid to air quality, edgy programming, and I think your kind of writing would fit in nicely with the likes of Sex and the City, Big Love, The Sopranos, and Deadwood; or Rescue Me, Nip/Tuck, The Riches, and The Shield.

Maybe you have your eye on another network? That's cool, too. Just please, please, please stay away from that skanky crack-whore Fox Network. I'm deeply worried for you, and if you go back to her again I'm staging an intervention.

Yours with deepest love and admiration,

Erin Palette