Traveller Tuesday: A review of T5 (Traveller 5th edition)

This past Christmas, I was given the opportunity to look over a copy of the newest iteration of Traveller. T5 was Kickstarter funded and was promised to be the "ultimate edition" with "rules and concepts you never thought possible" including  "so many things that players have asked for, or that have been imperfectly handled previously."  With all this in mind, I was eagerly looking forward to seeing what this Magnum Opus had to offer.

Well, the "never thought possible" bit was true. 

After I looked it over -- because this beast is 656 pages long, and I don't think anyone has the endurance to read something like that in a single sitting -- I knew I needed to have other people look at this, so that I might share my mental anguish. 

This review, then, is a collection of the snarky comments we shot at each other as we read as much as our sanity would allow.

But first, a quote to kick things off

Unknown commentator: "First Survey, like too many of the Imperium Games products, was what I like to call "fractally broken" - not merely bad, but bad on every scale, with pockets of small badness concealed within larger badnesses, bad from any analytical viewpoint, self-similarly bad."  [Erin adds: T5 is like the above mentioned product, only at an exponential level of badness.] 

PART ONE: INITIAL IMPRESSIONS

Erin:  Capsule review: "I'm certain there has to be a game in here. After all, there are all these rules ...!" 650+ pages and the author has sucked all the fun and interest out of the game in favor of OMG CHARTS. 

The_Jack: Sounds like GURPS Traveller minus the spontaneity and whimsy.

Erin: This is the kind of game only someone with Asperger's would play. Because more rules = more fun, right?

McThag:  Uh... Geff  HAS Aspergers and he rejected it.

Fuzzy Geff: More than half again as large as my microcontroller "data sheet", and that cost $40 to print (okay, and spiral-bind with plastic covers).

I'm only 10% in, and am ready to declare that the only use for these rules is to diagnose the author's mental illnesses. When he was naming the various Nd6 rolls, I could believe it was just OCD. Now that I've found the "Genetic Profile (GP)", I am convinced that other malfunctions are also involved.

Erin: Daaaaayyyyyyummmm!

McThag: And an aspie rejects it thus, "the only use for these rules is to diagnose the author's mental illnesses." That's like wrapping the asteroid with smallpox blankets.

Jack: So it's a "wall full of crazy" compressed into a book. Maybe if you read the book aloud it heralds the Old Ones. Or would that be too interesting?

Erin:  If you were a gamer nerd I could make a really cutting analogy:  "It's like the left-brain version of Nobilis."*  Trust me, that would KILL in nerd circles.

PART 2: SAVAGING THE INTRODUCTION

Jack: It's... troubling. I stopped my skimming on the dTon lecture. They.... they have a chart of ton versus kg and all the tons are 1.

"DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN A TON AND A TON"

That's an ACTUAL sub heading! You'd think they could write...  Oh, I don't know...

"DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN A dTON AND A TON"

Erin: Most telling, I think, is that character generation doesn't start until, oh, page 55ish.

Jack: Well, a dissertation on units is FAR more important. And I LIKE being a nerd about unit systems.

McThag: Wow, this game includes a free statistics lesson!

PART 3: THE JOKE THAT IS CHARACTER GENERATION

McThag: 48 pages of character generation. Huge section for randomly generating the background that many GMs will consider mandatory... this system seems to be written for GMs who can't or won't just make a decision and tell the players that's how it will be.

Erin: My big problem is that the whole thing seems to lack flavor and fun. While they do mention Aslan, Droyne et al, there are NO RULES for the differences between those races and humans. Let alone, not having any flavor or fluff or history. And yet, 13th pages on senses...

McThag: Flavor is generated with this easy to use calculus algorithim, just solve for the area under the curve...  I don't understand how this COULDN'T be fun! It's got hard math, and difficult math and frustrating math and it's all organized like hex editing a DOS game!

Jack: And worse, it's BAD math! So far this reads like a game made by math fanboys who are, alas, innumerate.

McThag: We are Jack's burning disappointment.

Jack:  Well, it's nice that they parted out how a Fame state of 32 differs from one of 36. And I can see why they didn't include stats for the other major races. If you want to play a Vargr you can just derive your own!

Erin: Because if you're a GM, you're already inventing the universe, so what's one or more races as well?

Jack: That does seem to be this game's "Logic."

Erin: It's almost like this is a (really shitty) rules "upgrade" for a setting you already own.  Which, to be fair, it is. I don't see any non-Traveller grognard buying this. Ever.

PART 4: THE EXERCISE IN MASOCHISM THAT IS "THINGMAKER"

Jack: Oh yes, because every single weapon for every single murder hobo needs its own character sheet! "With a knowledge of Weapons, Armor, Vehicles, and Combat, players can generally understand the relative value of Armor from their LongNames and Models."

McThag: Everything is a series of hex codes and you'll basically have to memorize the format for each thing to use them.  Its part of the easy four thousand step "ArmorMaker". Simple!

Jack:  Damn, it feels like it'd be simpler and quicker to build a real gun than use this... thing's balky flowchart.

Erin: You have to look really, really hard just to find a stock, default "vacc suit". I didn't even bother looking for stock guns. Although the 32-shot, spiral-magazine "revolver" was worth a small chuckle. I'm like "Revolver? UR DOIN IT RONG"

McThag: It's like a belt but with a cylinder gap!  My brain hurts. Where's my melon baller?

[Editor's Note:  This is where McThag bails on T5.]

Jack:  The ACQUIRING WEAPONS section.... Wow! I never thought to go to the factory! They.... they have a section on how long certain parts of a rifle "should" be. But they don't even have deck plans of ships! ... I wish I was well enough to drink.

Erin: Yesssss. Feel my pain.  Aren't you glad you didn't spend $35 on this book?

Jack: It's not even a bound hard copy? 

Erin: Oh, you'd have to pay over twice that to get it in hardcopy! 

PART 5: BEATING THE DEAD HORSE CALLED "ART"

Jack: Oh man.... the battle dress just looks... sad. Way to make me pine for Mongoose's art, Trav5. 

Erin:  Here's what is funny: Some of that art is from the early-mid 80s. Specifically, the pictures of the Zhodani nobles.

Jack: It DOES have that 80's vibe! The Zhodani look like Ming the Merciless. Or evil wizards. 

Jack: The drill machine on page 287 is just sad. It's like they did a Google image search for a screw bolt, blew it up, and then cropped it over a tank. 

Yes, this is the ACTUAL PICTURE, taken from the PDF. 

Erin: Are you ready to add insult to injury? The Kickstarter for this raised over THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Jack: ....

Erin: Look at the production values of that book. With the shitty art and the obviously layered images and etc

Jack: Thanks for the money, suckers!

Parenthetical Aside
Oh good, they've got a whole chapter on Beast Power.  Couldn't skimp on that!

Jack: page 366

just.... page 366

Page 366

Erin:  Well, this book was already doing a number on our sanity. Now it's official: this is the Traveller Necronomicon.

Jack: I am starting to feel a bit feverish. [Editor's Note:  Jack had the flu at this time. It is unknown if reading T5 aggravated his condition.]

Erin: Do you hear a strange flute sound coming from angles orthogonal to reality?

Jack: Oh wow. The corners of the room are starting to get... wobbly

Erin: Hounds of Tindalos might like Beggin' Strips...

Jack: And the Chirstmass music on the radio is starting to get a circusy undertone

Oh! And "Santa Claus is coming to town" is very sinister now

Oh man....

the "comic" on page 375

I think that cinches the "humans did not make this" theory

PART 6: SCREW IT, NOW WE'RE JUST CURBSTOMPING THE CORPSE FOR LULZ

Jack: "Sensors are the technological eyes and ears (and other senses) of starships (and of many star system installations). Technology magnifies the capabilities of personal senses and translates the information that sensors gather into understandable formats."

Erin: In other breaking news, space is rather dark and a bit chilly.

Jack: YES! T5! Because I am too gormless to know what sensors ARE, but I AM willing to plot through hundreds of pages of tables and flow charts and will fill out two pages per armor vest!

"The Referee Has Perfect Knowledge"

But!

"The Players Have No Knowledge. They know nothing. They depend on the readings from their sensors to develop an understanding of the situation." Wow!

Erin:  Truly this is a cutting-edge game. 

Jack: It's like this was made by someone who watched a couple Trav games. The ship diagram on page 312 makes no sense. Half the callouts are painfully obvious, like the one that points to Wings...

Erin: "Wings and fins." No shit, really?

 Jack: ... and the other half are nonsense. I'm really getting the feeling that this is some sort of simulation of a game book written by things that don't quite grok hu-mons. I'd say this is all a Hiver plot, but the Hivers get games.

Oh-kay.... My mind is slipping

I'm in the Starsysstme section

and I read B Mainworld as

Brainworld

Erin: Oh dear. I've done brain damage to you. So sorry.

[Editor's Note: at about this point we realize we aren't even half done with the book and neither of us has the stamina to continue. We decide to do something constructive, like get drunk and use our heads like a hammer.]

Erin: Why don't you play us out with your most brutal synopsis of this product, Jack?

Jack: This is like a cargo cult of a game. It was made by people who have seen table top games played, and they figured that if they made the proper holy tome, then the game would be summoned. 

Ouch.

And with that, I'm going to put "Traveller Tuesday" on the back burner for a while. Do not fear, for I plan to return, but there are other settings which need my attention.



* Nobilis is a joy to read. It's like the kind of game that Neil Gaiman would write. Lots of evocative text, funny little anecdotes and capsule stories. There's just like, you know, no system there to run a game on.