I bow before the master

Topless Robot has the best summary/FAQ of Gee Eye Schmoe that I have ever seen. I grovel before its comedic brilliance. A sample to whet your appetite:

Grr. Okay. Now terrorists have a bomb and are heading to Paris to use it, right? G.I. Joe must bring out the big guns for this battle. How many troops do they send? How many jets and jeeps and tanks and things?
Five.

Five tanks?
Five people. But they rent a van.

FUCK YOU.
I mean, I'm assuming. They're in a perfectly nice white van with no technological upgrades at all, such as one might rent at Enterprise.

FUUUUCCCKKK YOOOOUUUU
Look, it makes more sense when you realize they're only chasing after two people in an SUV.

Oh my fuck that's horrible.
At least the Baroness' SUV has this spiky bumper thing that somehow flips cars 40 feet into the air. And the Joes do have the accelerator suits.

This is not the epic G.I. Joe battle I wanted to see on screen. Please tell me at least the five Joes put on those goofy accelerator suits --
Five? Ha ha! No, there's only two. And they give them to the new guys, Duke and Ripcord. Ripcord falls down a lot.

This is pitiful.
Would it make you feel any better if I told you Scarlett stole some random French guy's motorcycle and gave chase?

Not really.
Good, because eventually the Baroness shoots her bike, Scarlett leaps 40-feet vertically off it (strong thighs!), Ripcord catches her, sets her down, and then she gets back in the van anyways.

Please tell me they actually manage to stop the SUV in the accelerator suits.
No, but they do cause millions in property damage throughout Paris.

Does Snake Eyes stop the car at least?
Kind of.

Kind of?
Well, it's hit by a train. But it's implied Snake Eyes wanted it to get hit by a train, so maybe there's a connection there.

...
...uh, but Storm Shadow fires the missile at the Eiffel Tower and it gets destroyed anyways.

Of course it does.
Still, Duke manages to use his accelerator suit to leap into the departing Cobra jet, turn off the fail-safe switch on the bomb's remote thus saving the rest of Paris, although he immediately gets captured.

In his superpowerful accelerator suit.
He took his helmet off.

Wait, I thought Destro just wanted to destroy the Eiffel Tower anyways. So did G.I. Joe just fail utterly?
Not exactly. At some point the bad guys' plan morphed into annihilating Paris.

Then couldn't Storm Shadow have just fired his nanomite rocket launcher anywhere in Paris? Wouldn't that have worked perfectly fine, and gotten to the Eiffel Tower eventually?
Yes, but it's the principle of the thing.

Last post on this topic, I promise.

WNW: Porkchop Sandwiches

I haven't been to bed at all today. At 1:30 this morning I took my father to the emergency room (he's fine now) and, because I have Shit What Needs Get Done Today, there's no point in going to bed until Shit Gets Done.

Therefore, this is fucking hilarious:



And that means this is nothing short of sublime comedy perfection:



Porkchop sandwiches!

Teehee Lesbianism

Just a quick mini-rant before I go to bed.

Am I the only one who is more than slightly annoyed at the current fad of young women pretending to be lesbian or bisexual for the sole purpose of garnering male attention?

I call this "Teehee Lesbianism" because in my head I can hear these girls thinking, "Teehee, I'm being so naughty by groping my friend's boobs in this picture! I bet Johnny will get so hard just thinking about it!" It's just so patently transparent that it's about as sexualized as a naked five year old running around going, "Teehee! I'm nekkid!"

To be clear, I'm not exactly incensed into dire hatred about this -- more like I'm exasperated. Are these girls fooling anyone? Are they arousing anyone?

Or is just another case of Cranky Palette Is Cranky?

EDIT: I don't care who or what you fuck as long as it's consensual. It's the patent falseness which bugs me, not the genders involved.

Yo Schmoe

Frankly, I was shocked that it took this long to make a G.I. Joe movie. I figured that in the wake of 9/11, a movie about an elite counterterrorist unit would have gotten the greenlight within 3 months and be out in time for summer 2002. Sadly, the movie which is out now was not worth the seven year wait.

It should come as no surprise to anyone that G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra is, as my buddy Tom Foss pointed out, a "flaming piece of crap-gilded crap." I knew it was going to be awful the moment I saw that Snake-Eyes had Schumacher-esque foam rubber lips molded onto his mask, and my beliefs were confirmed with each additional trailer I saw. I said I would never see this movie, but I was dragged along anyway, and even with a free ticket I still feel I paid too high a price.

No, I'm not going to review the movie. Tom did an excellent job of that above, and it's currently hovering at the 40% mark at Rotten Tomatoes. The last time I checked, the profits had dropped by 18% between Friday and Saturday, so it seems pretty likely that word of mouth is spreading about its awfulness. Instead, I'm going to quote myself from earlier posts, because they are relevant:

• "This is the Hollywood machine, people; its entire purpose in life is to take a giant stinking shit on beloved memories in an attempt to wring cash from your pockets." -- 7/05/07
  
• "There is a practice in Hollywood whereby films that are expected to do poorly -- usually cheap horror films and teen comedies -- are not sent to film critics to review. This is done so that the films can at least reap the benefits of opening weekend receipts before poor critical review and word of mouth can do any damage." -- 6/10/08
• "Neener." -- 5/05/09

At first pass, you'd think that the concept of G.I. Joe is too simple to screw up: a team of uber-elite soldiers uses bleeding-edge weapons to fight a terrorist threat. It's Men in Black, only without the aliens. How hard could it be to get right?

Then you think of the 80s cartoon with the red laser vs. blue laser battles, and you realize that when studios pander to the lowest common denominator, you get utter crap.

(Yes, I realize the G.I. Joe cartoon was meant for kids and therefore mass bloodshed was inappropriate. So was Gargoyles, but it was excellent, and it was produced by Disney of all things. "Appropriate for children" does not have to equal "stupid." It's just usually easier to produce that way.)

So this movie is basically a live-action cartoon. The stupid mid-80s cartoon where enlisted personnel could fly F-14s, everyone had lasers and parachutes, and basic science was ignored in the name of cool. I mean, ice floats on top of water, right? Rise of Cobra gets this fact wrong.

So if you have a hankering to watch some G.I. Joe without having your brains ooze out your ears (or scream in poisonous outrage at the screen, as I did) then I have two recommendations for you, depending on if you were a fan of the comic book or the cartoon.

If you liked the cartoon, then you will enjoy G.I. Joe: Resolute. It's basically the cartoon you remember, only with an intelligent plot, better art, decent voice acting, and action scenes that are probably closer to how you envisioned them as a kid. There are still a few funky artifacts left over -- Duke is still a sergeant yet commands officers, tandem-seat helicopters are piloted from the front seat, etc -- but at least it doesn't make Baby Jesus cry.



You can watch the entire series here.

If you were a fan of the comic book series (which was written by Larry Hama, a Vietnam veteran who tried to make the series as military-accurate as possible) then I suggest you go watch reruns of The Unit.

No, really. They have code names (Betty Blue, Snake Doctor); they are an elite unit which technically doesn't exist (303rd Logistical Studies Group); they often use cutting-edge technology; they fight terrorists. It really is a "real life" version of the G.I Joe team. Sadly, it's been cancelled, but it lives on in syndication.

Now you know... and we all know what knowing is.

The Dire Chicken

A while back (May 27th, to be precise), Chgowiz posted on his Old Guy RPG Blog an essay about economics in a D&D campaign. Quoting the relevant bits:

The name of the game for human civilization in the current time of my Dark Ages game is survival. Civilization is sliding backwards thanks to a cataclysmic event. Food is the "driver" of the current economy, moreso than property. In better times, property and goods were more of a basis, but it was related to food. Now food is king. People want to eat and the economy drives on the unit of food - how much someone eats per day.

What you're about to read below will probably make you wince. It's not an accurate simulation by any means. I used my cost for a chicken (10sp) as a starting point. Why? Because it "felt" right to me. I'm not much of a simulationist, but I am trying to be somewhat reasonable in my thoughts - and I needed a starting point.

I've calculated that it costs roughly 3sp a day to eat a portion of meat, bread and beer/water to have a decent living. This does represent a change to what I had originally just "winged" as a cost of living. How did I get there?

Let's take a chicken and a cow. On "just pulling numbers from books and whatnot", a chicken costs 10sp in Enonia, and a cow costs 20gp. I think that came from the 1EPHB, or perhaps OSRIC.

This means a chicken, which can feed 10 people (8oz meat per person, 80 ozs, 80/16oz in a lb is 5 lbs which is a reasonable weight of a chicken) costs 1sp/day/person. A cow, which can feed 820 portions from a 1,000 lb cow at 42% usage (rough estimates), would cost about 82gp on the basis of meat alone. A cow and chicken have the ability of reproducing and bringing more animals and therefore increased profits, so they should cost more. This is all "napkin math" to get us to a certain point. I like the feel of a chicken feeding 10 people a day, so I feel good about the 1sp a day for meat.

Then someone else said in the comments:

Not sure if this feedback will be helpful or not...

But your meat yields are off.

An average chicken is about 4lbs, with about 2.5 - 3.0 lbs of usable meat per.

An average cow will give you about a 65% yield of meat ... maybe as high as 75% if you take a liberal view of "edible".

I know this is extremely retentive, but I figured since you were going to all that trouble anyway...

And then I weighed in on the subject in my typically helpful manner:

Maybe they're Dire Chickens?

Okay, I originally meant that as a joke, but why not? If there are dire versions of other animals around, including herbivores (I know I've seen a Dire Caribou in one of the books) then why *not* a Dire Chicken?

On the upside, it would feed more people, do better in harsh environments, produce larger eggs and could actually defend itself against thieves and/or predators.

On the downside, you'd need a much sturdier coop; getting eggs would be a potentially life-threatening experience (which is why you have level 2+ peasants running around); they'd eat more than regular chickens; and beware the randiness of the Dire Rooster...

And now, months later (mostly because I only just now remembered it) I am proud to present to you the stats for....


Chicken, Dire

Small Animal (Dire)
Hit Dice: 2d8 +2 (10 hp)
Initiative: +3
Speed: 30 ft., fly 30 ft. (clumsy)
Armor Class: 17 (+3 dex,+3 natural, +1 size), touch 14, flat-footed 14
Base Attack/Grapple: +2/-1
Attacks: Flurry +5 melee (1d4 +1)
Special Attacks: Crow, pounce
Special Qualities: Ferocity, limited flight
Face/Reach: 1 ft./1 ft.
Saves: Fort +4, Ref +6, Will +1
Abilities: Str 12, Dex 16, Con 12, Wis 12, Int 2, Cha 12
Skills: Balance +9, Bluff +3, Escape Artist +7, Hide +9, Intimidate +3, Listen +3, Spot +5, Survival +7
Feats: Weapon Finesse (a Dire Chicken gains a feat every 3 HD)
Climate/Terrain: Any temperate or warm land
Organization: Solitary, 2-4 Clutch, 5-20 Flock
Challenge Rating: 2
Treasure: None
Alignment: Always Neutral
Advancement: 3-6 HD (Small)
Level Adjustment: --

It's unclear if the dire chicken is an atavistic throwback to a fiercer, more primordial breed, or merely the product of a sufficiently mad wizard. However, one thing remains indisputable: pound for pound, the dire chicken is hardier, more adaptable, and can feed more people than any other kind of domesticated poultry. Their eggs are large and healthy, and only the most foolish of foxes will raid a dire henhouse more than once (assuming they survive a first time.) Just be careful not to lose an eye when you go to collect -- dire chickens have been known to kill their handlers.

(In fact, dire chickens nicely explain the existence of peasants of level 2 and up. Suddenly, the grizzled old farmer at the edge of town is now the scariest dude around.)

Combat
Dire chickens are bluffers, pretending to peck the ground and search for food, sometimes even walking off, before suddenly flying into the air to strike an opponent with a Flurry of beaks, claws and spurs. They spread their wings to intimidate and appear larger.

Ferocity (Ex): A dire chicken is such a tenacious combatant that it continues to fight without penalty even while disabled or dying.

Crow (Ex): As a full-round action, a dire chicken can utter a piercing crow that will awaken those that slumber naturally within 200 feet and can be heard for at least two miles.

Limited Flight (Ex): A dire chicken can fly, albeit poorly and for short distances. It can use its flight ability to prevent taking falling damage or to fly upwards up to 30 feet. The dire chicken must always land at the end of each round of flight.

Pounce (Ex): When a dire chicken charges, it can follow with a full attack, including a spur attack (+5 melee, 1d3 damage).

Skills:
Dire chickens have a +2 racial bonus on intimidate and bluff checks, a +4 bonus to balance, escape artist, hide and spot checks, and a +6 bonus to survival checks. While in tall undergrowth this hide bonus increases to +6.

(Base stats for the chicken derived from Vorpal Tribble's stats for a gamecock, which is essentially a rooster bred for fighting, and "improved" using the Dire Template from Necromancer Games' Tome of Horrors. The section on skills and combat qualities is entirely the work of Vorpal Tribble. Basically, 90% of the work here belongs to other people, I just had the crazy idea and adapted it.)

WNW: Why Everything Sucks

Thank you, Craig Ferguson, for speaking truth to power:

Allergies Suck

This summer has been kicking my ass like no other in recent memory. Let me try to describe it as partial justification for why I only posted once last week. This is kind of graphic, so the squeamish should take heed.

1. I awake with the peculiar feeling of the Sahara having taken residence in my mouth. This is because earlier in the night, while I was sleeping, my nasal passages closed and so for the past four hours I've been breathing through my mouth to avoid suffocation. My tongue has a delightful coating of dried phlegm along its surface whose consistency resembles epoxy. My morning coffee and grapefruit juice are at industrial strength just so that I can taste them.
   
2. My head aches almost immediately after I get up, due to the air trapped inside my sinus cavities. Said cavities also feel like they've been filled with cement. I have my daily fantasy of drilling holes into my skull and installing purge valves which allow me to rinse my sinuses with warm saline before vacuuming the mess out. I conclude that with body piercing and tribalism on the rise, I could totally rock the industrial-goth look with a rig like that and not look at all out of place. Perhaps even devise a line of fashionable valve accessories, like colorful caps which match my nail polish.
   
3. Now that I am vertical, the mucous within my skull sloooooowly drains under the inexorable force of gravity. Half of it decides to go out my nose, which I am constantly blowing and wiping. The other half goes down the back of my throat, requiring me to make that age-old female decision of spit or swallow? I go with swallow, because it's easier and over the course of my life I've already consumed liters of my own snot. But regardless of which choice I make, I will still sound like the worst cold you've ever had giving an exceptionally messy blowjob.
   
4. Oh look, it's noon. I've finally managed to expel most of the mucous from my head and am feeling mostly normal, but my nose is as red and raw as a W.C. Fields character. But god dammit, I can breathe now.
5. I have about three hours of grace in which I must perform all tasks requiring higher brain functions. Lotsa luck, Erin.
   
6. Around 4 pm, the Florida Afternoon Thunderstorm arrives. Now, I love thunderstorms, but these things push a pressure wave in front of them that causes excruciating headaches. Depending on my current sinus status and the direction of the storm, my head either feels like it's going to explode (low pressure front) or implode (high pressure front). I begin to ache fully an hour before the storm hits. Sometimes I take various painkillers but at this point I've built up a decent tolerance to anything that isn't prescription-strength.
   
7. As the storm hits, I crawl into bed with the lights out and desperately try to relax. This is roughly equivalent to not flinching after receiving a static shock. I briefly contemplate the virtues of monastic asceticism and meditation before realizing I couldn't last a day without an internet connection.
   
8. I wake up between 7 and 8 pm. Repeat steps 1-3, only this time now I have to deal with my family, walk my dogs, and fix and eat a dinner that's about 2 hours too late for my hypoglycemic ass.
   
9. Try desperately to be productive between 11 pm and 2 am, which is the period after my family goes to sleep but before I go completely loopy from exhaustion.
   
10. Say "fuck it" and play City of Heroes or Dungeons & Dragons Online before going to sleep.
    

I cannot wait for Fall.