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Thursday, July 5, 2007

An open letter to everyone bitching about Transformers

Dear choads who are bitching about the Transformers movie,

Would it have killed you to put a "Spoilers" tag on your posts? Apparently so, because after reading just TWO blogs, the movie has been totally ruined for me. I know who dies (and thus, who lives) and I know pretty much the entire structure of the third act. And I didn't sit there and read the whole entry, either; I stopped reading the moment I found out something I didn't want to know.

Now I can't watch the movie, because I'll be unable to shut my brain up. I don't know how it is for you assholes, but when I go to a movie and I know someone is gonna die, there's a continuous loop of dialog that runs through my head: "Is this where he dies? Is this where he dies? Is this where he dies?" And I cannot shut it up until that person actually dies.

If you think I'm going to sit through a third act where, its surprises being lost to me, I am constantly analyzing each scene to see if it fits what I know is going to happen... you can go fuck yourselves.

So yeah. I can't watch it now. Are you proud of yourselves, shitheads? You've completely ruined the experience for me. I have to wait until I've forgotten what was spoiled (which, knowing my capacity for useless factoids, will be about a decade) and of course the movie will be out of theaters by then. How would you have liked it if, right before you watched The Empire Strikes Back, someone had told you that [SPOILERS] Vader was Luke's father ?[/SPOILERS]
Wouldn't that have completely and utterly ruined the whole movie for you? Wouldn't it have completely destroyed the mystery and tension of the "Force Cave" sequence on Dagobah?

God, you're all such whiny fucking little fanboys, aren't you? The movie isn't a perfect wankfest of your childhood memories. DUH! This is the Hollywood machine, people; its entire purpose in life is to take a giant stinking shit on beloved memories in an attempt to wring cash from your pockets. Hell, even the original Transformers movie was a betrayal, in that [SPOILERS] they killed almost the entire first generation of Autobots in, what, the first 15 minutes? [/SPOILERS]
What ever made you think that this was going to anything else? Was the name "Michael Bay" not a giant FUCKING clue that the movie just might not be faithful to the source material?

I hate you all. Please fuck off and die.

Erin Palette


  1. Snape kills trinity with rosebud. Darth Vader was earth all along. Tyler Durden is Keyser Soze. Bruce Willis is made of people. Jesus comes back. Doctor Who dies for our sins.

    Oh, whoops. I hope that didn't spoil anything for anybody.

  2. The entire Transformers thing passed me by in my youth so the 'new' movie hasn't caught my attention but the phrase 'the Hollywood machine, people; its entire purpose in life is to take a giant stinking shit on beloved memories in an attempt to wring cash from your pockets.' HAS to be included on every movie poster, DVD cover, cinema flyer... from now on. Love it.

  3. Sorry about that Erin, that sucks when assholes don't think.

    It's a movie about a comic/old show. An old one, I don't expect it to be perfect, although I guess transformers has fewer universes than most other such.

    For that, it's pretty good. Go get hypnotized to forget that stuff - I think you will enjoy the movie for what it is, and it does look nice on the big screen. Of course, I have always had a thing about big explosions :)

  4. Some people just don't care because they want to share their opinions. It makes their penis feel bigger.

    Tau, you spoiled... something, I'm sure of it. Probably the milk in my fridge.


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