Orange Rooster vs Poorly Disguised Silurian, GO!

My unedited first impressions as I listened to the first Trump vs Clinton debate this evening while working:

• Both of you, stop referring to "very small loans." A very small loan is the $20 I lent the guy at the comic shop. He paid it back by giving me a ride when someone stole the battery out of my car. 
• "I call it Trumped Up Trickle Down." Hillary, quit trying to be funny. Funny doesn't work for you. 
• Moderator says "Mister Trump, you have two minutes." Ten minutes later, Trump is still talking. Donald Trump is a complicated space-time event. No moderator can contain him. 
• Yes, Trump is sniffling. It's allergy season. Sniffling isn't quite on the level of collapsing from 'heat exhaustion' in 85 degree weather. 
• Hillary, stop putting Bill's accomplishments on your resume. 
• The twenty minute mark. That's where the personal attacks start, and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they d
• Hillary, quit shilling your book and your website. 
• Hillary's feed cuts out at 24 minutes approximately. Was she replaced with a body double? Hologram? Silurian? Was she already a Silurian and they replaced her with another, higher ranking Silurian? Madame Vastra, what do you think? 
• Hillary, would you like my tax returns? I haven't paid taxes either. I've gotten returns every year, except for the one where HR screwed up after my divorce, because I'm not in your tax bracket. I can't even see your tax bracket from where I am. 
• "What is he hiding?" - Hillary Clinton, 2016
• Trump, "That makes me smart" is one of the most tone-deaf things I think I've ever heard considering your constant referral to the shrinking middle class.
• Although he does have a good point. If he's spent his entire career exploiting loopholes for rich people, he would know how to plug them. But would he? 
• I really don't care if braggadocious isn't a word. It's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. 
• Hillary, why are you putting so much focus on whether or not he's as rich as he says he is? I rather think I'd like a president that's not rich. *coughClintonFoundationcough*
• Hillary calling for criminal justice reform. Mysteriously absent: references to super predators.
• Both candidates endorse the watch list. Fuck me sideways with a school crossing sign. I want both of you to tell me, how do you get on the watch list? How do you get off the watch list? Who makes the decision? Who has oversight on who makes the decision? I have possible familial ties to what some people consider a terrorist organization in another country. What if I'm on the watch list? How will I know? How would I get off the list? This really bothers me. 
• Hillary, how is it a racist lie that Obama wasn't born in the US? Is race determined by location of birth now? Was it a racist lie that Ted Cruz wasn't born in the US? 
• According to the detective I spoke to after my PayPal account was hacked, China is behind the cyber-security attacks. They're stockpiling nuclear running shoes, I hear. 
• Oh. Russia. RED SCARE, EVERYONE! RED SCARE! 
• Hillary has now also become a complicated space-time event. Neither of these people have an understanding of time limits. I don't trust either of them to stay only four years in office. 
• "We must use the internet to stop ISIS." MEME WAR! NOW SUMMON THE RARE PEPES!
• Hey guys, did you know Hillary has a website? 
• "I have a better temperament than her." HAHAHAHAHHAHAlkh;laksdjs;dlka
• No, for real, I hear that (in private) you really do, because I've heard anecdotes about how The Hill's a terrible person to work with. 
• There used to be an old Vulcan saying: "Only Nixon could go to China." The Vulcans -- those that remain after the Abrams Event -- now say "Only Trump could go to China." 
• "I am against Team America World Police." - Trump, 2016
• Hillary, pregnancy IS an inconvenience to employers. Employees have to take time off to have a baby. It may only be a short leave as labor starts and then recovery, but it's still time missed. This is an objective fact. 
• Wait, there's going to be a VICE presidential debate? Between Pence and Kaine? I'm going to need a mountain of crystal meth to stay conscious during this.
  

I can't vote for either of these people. I voted for Obama; at the time, I was still a progressive, so I may have uttered "It's about time it wasn't an old white guy." I think, honestly, I just couldn't imagine a Mormon in office.

I think I'm going to vote for the guy who didn't know what Aleppo was. I didn't know what Aleppo was, either.