Monday, February 19, 2007


Close the shades and hide the children, dear readers, because today we're talking about Greek Mythology. And when we talk about Greek gods, we're talking about sex.

Kinky sex.

Freaky sex.

Positively copious amounts of sex.

And as you can see, most of the sex is being had by Zeus. If you're Freudian, you can of course see the phallus inherent in Zeus' symbol, the bolt of lightning: a thing of potence, a sign of kingship, and tool of aggression. So when I say that Zeus had a thing for smiting people with lightning....

... nudge nudge, wink wink...

... well, you get the idea.

One of Zeus' many, many children was Eris, goddess of Discord. Interestingly enough, she wasn't a bastard, instead being one of the five legitimate children Zeus had with his wife, Hera. Of further interest is that Eris' thematic opposite -- Harmonia, goddess of Concord -- has far muddier origins. Harmonia's father is questionable; some say Ares, some say Hephaestus -- but her mother, Aphrodite, was Zeus' granddaughter. For those having trouble, let me lay it all out:
  • Chaos
  • Legitimate
  • Daughter of Olympus' ruler

  • Harmonia
  • Order
  • Questionable Legitimacy
  • Daughter of Olympus' biggest tramp, who is herself a bastard
  • Order's pedigree begins to look a wee bit suspect, wouldn't you say?

    So, bona fides having been firmly established, I'm going to quote wholecloth for you the story of The Original Snub, as originally laid forth in the seminal Principia Discordia:
    It seems that Zeus was preparing a wedding banquet for Peleus and Thetis and did not want to invite Eris because of Her reputation as a trouble maker.

    This made Eris angry, and so She fashioned an apple of pure gold and inscribed upon it Καλλίστη ("To The Prettiest One") and on the day of the fete, She rolled it into the banquet hall and then left to be alone and joyously partake of a hot dog.

    Now, three of the invited goddesses, Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite, each immediately claimed it to belong to herself because of the inscription. And they started fighting, and they started throwing punch all over the place and everything.

    Finally Zeus calmed things down and declared that an arbitrator must be selected, which was a reasonable suggestion, and all agreed. He sent them to a shepherd of Troy, whose name was Paris because his mother had had a lot of gaul and had married a Frenchman; but each of the sneaky goddesses tried to outwit the others by going early and offering a bribe to Paris.

    Athena offered him Heroic War Victories, Hera offered him Great Wealth, and Aphrodite offered him the Most Beautiful Woman on Earth. Being a healthy young Trojan lad, Paris promptly accepted Aphrodite's bribe and she got the apple and he got screwed.

    As she had promised, she maneuvered earthly happenings so that Paris could have Helen (THE Helen) then living with her husband Menelaus, King of Sparta. Anyway, everyone knows that the Trojan War followed when Sparta demanded their Queen back and that the Trojan War is said to be The First War among men.

    And so we suffer because of the Original Snub. And so a Discordian is to partake of No Hot Dog Buns.

    Verily! Now, with this story fresh in your minds, look once again at yesterday's picture.

  • Apple? Check.
  • Golden? Checkity-check.
  • Cryptic inscription? CZECH!

  • Verily I say again! This is an honest-to-goddess, no fooling, Erisian Artifact.

    "Great," I hear you all thinking -- and I can hear you thinking other things too, and for those thoughts you should be very, very ashamed -- "I get the dealie-o with the apple, but what does this have to do with yesterday's post? And what, for blogfodder's sake, does this have to do with Joss Whedon?"

    Tomorrow, dear children. I want to blow your minds gently.

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