Thursday, April 17, 2008

How to Curse Properly, Part 4

At long last, here we are.

The queen of curses. The cake, the dessert, the rich creamy filling you've all been waiting for.


As the above video so aptly demonstrates, fuck is the go-to vulgarity for any situation or occasion. Indeed, it could be said that it's fucking versatile. But as with its sister word "shit", the use of fuck in this manner has robbed the Anglo-Saxon masterpiece of much of its grotesque beauty and power. However, a simple mater of proper pornographic pronunciation can solve this problem, putting the f-bomb back in its rightful place atop the fuckheap.


If "shit" is a rapier, then "fuck" is a truncheon. It is the large, heavy ugly-stick of the curse family. While it can be wielded efficiently in a singular form, akin to a club to the back of the head, it is far more effective -- not to mention satisfying -- to unleash it as a flurry of blows. It is the uppercut of profanity, slamming again and again into your opponent's solar plexus.

Done properly, "fuck" does not suffer from overkill. You can state it, scream it, moan it, groan it, gurgle it and mumble it, all without losing its effectiveness. However, the "slap to the face" effect is enhanced by shouting -- this is what you scream at the top of your lungs when you desire to get someone's attention, or make them cower before your wrath.

1. The first part of the word is basic, almost fundamental in its simplicity. The "fuh" sound is a breathy cough, an almost painful exhalation. Note that to achieve maximum power, you must "fuh" from your diaphragm and not your stomach. Fully extending and relaxing your jaw as you perform this maneuver greatly helps with step 2.

2. Whereas the power of "shit" lies in its buildup, "fuck" gains its punch from the follow-through, and this is where the full weight of the profanity comes crashing down. To use a baseball analogy, "fuh" is tossing the ball into the air; the "ckkkkk" sound is the crack of the bat. It needs to come from the back of your throat, full-bodied and crackling, like the roar of static on an empty channel or the sizzling of bacon in a frying pan. Curl your lips, bare your teeth, and snarl as you hiss-gargle-spit the wonderfully harsh consonants.

The beauty of "fuck" lies in its wonderfully easy windup and dynamite pitch. Done properly, you can cycle it with hardly any effort.

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