Friday, May 25, 2018

It's Been a Week

Yeah. I haven't been writing lately, and I'm sorry about that.

I've been looking at the blank page of this blog for... I don't know how long. And in that time, I've come to an uncomfortable conclusion: somewhere along the way, writing stopped being fun and fulfilling and felt more like a chore. A job that I don't want to do and am looking for an excuse to avoid doing.

(The irony that I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with writing does not escape me).

I seem to lack the passion and joy that writing used to bring and now it's just a job. Unless I'm really fired up about something and need to get that fire out of my skull, I'm kinda 'meh' about the whole prospect.

Yet at the same time, I have this deep and abiding regret over the stories that I want to write, but likely never will, because I can't seem to find the focus or the discipline to write them. So am I truly tired of writing? Or am I just tired of struggling?

I don't know. It's been a rollercoaster of a week, and maybe I'm just worn out. I went from high stress levels, to completely losing my shit and looking like a raging cuntbitch in front of my friends, to the stress becoming so high that the frequency of its oscillation wasn't a discernible series of ups and downs but rather a constant hum. In other words, this picture:

I'm getting better, but I'm still fighting the associated mental numbness and desire to do nothing except let my mind go blank in front of the television.

Anyway, I'm okay-ish and seem to be on the upswing. I have chocolate, and I have rum, and I'm going to see Deadpool 2 this weekend, so that ought to help. And I've written this blog post so I can reasonably say I've accomplished something this week.

See ya on the flip side.

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