An open letter to Joss Whedon

Dear Joss,

I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.

Love,
Erin Palette.

This should come as no surprise to anyone

WNW: Special Halloween Edition

Before attending a Halloween event tonight, you might want to bone up on your Supernatural Survival Strategies.

Just in case.

Anti-Vampire ammunition, mk.2

So it seems that Friday's post has stirred up more interest and discussion than I expected, and some excellent suggestions were made by Lurking Readers. Having digested these, I now present the Anti-Vampire shell, Mark 2 (it deserves a proper name, but I'm not quite sure what to call it. I could go with the Latin Excruciato but then people will assume I'm ripping off Harry Potter.)

• 12 gauge shotgun shell, of course
• First layer (and first out the barrel): double-ought buckshot, but made from iron instead of lead. The harder metal will have increased penetration (but also less spread at range, so you'll need to be a slightly better shooter -- unless you intend to saw it off) for shattering undead ribcages, and the properties of cold iron might prove useful against other beasties like fae, demons, etc.
  
• Second Layer: a blessed communion wafer.
  
• Third layer: Rosary beads made from a variety of woods reputed to be effective against the supernatural: rowan, white oak, ash, hawthorn, etc. Since most rosary beads tend to average 7mm in diameter, this quite nicely equates to #2 buckshot.
  

And there you go. The only potential drawback I can see to this assembly is that in order to accommodate such an unusual payload, the casing may need to be longer than is usual, which could potentially jam a magazine-fed shotgun. You'll have to kick it old-school style with a break-action and manually load the shells. Of course, this means that you can also use the amazingly dangerous Dragon's Breath rounds, so that's always a plus.

Or you could just use this beast:That's the Manville 27mm rotary launcher, originally a police riot gun manufactured in nineteen hundred and thirty-fucking-six.


PS: If you intend to fight werewolves, I suggest using Hatton cartridges, substituting silver powder for the lead or zinc.


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Now playing: Jacob Fred Jazz Odyssey - Happiness Is A Warm Gun [live]
via FoxyTunes

I have been eaten by a Grue

Well, not really eaten by a Grue, but perhaps the next best thing: I've been playing X-COM:UFO Defense (thanks a ton, Shamus!) and I really have no idea where Monday went. Did Monday even happen this week? It must have, because in between alien raids I watched Chuck and Heroes.

Good times.

Hang on, I think I hear an alien that needs blasting....

Mining the slop closet

So, Vi from Violent Acres is having a catchphrase contest. I have decided to enter because, in all blatant honesty, I would kill to have a tenth of her readership. When it comes to getting more readers, I am a whore. I freely admit it. In fact, if you'll let me pour a glass of red wine and slip into something more comfortable, I will exult in it.

Anyway, here's what I've got:

1. Let me explain why I hate you.
   
2. Kill the stupid before it breeds.
   
3. Even if I am an overweight man from Georgia, I'm still more woman than you'll ever have.
   

... yeah, I know, not my best work. Still, it only took me about 10 minutes of effort, so if she links to me at all -- even to mock my pitiful effort -- I've safely come out on top of the work-reward ratio.

Toothpicks

Idle thought for the day: in order for a wooden stake to properly immobilize a vampire, must the wood actually touch the vampire? Or can you get away with lacquering the hell out of it to preserve its strength & sharpness, and to give it that rib-splitting slickness?

Because if it's the latter, then I had an awesome thought.

1. Take a chunk of Rowan (a wood renowned for its anti-supernatural properties) and have it cut into toothpicks. Yes, regular toothpicks, but make sure they're the rounded kind.

2. Lacquer the hell out of said toothpicks. I'm not an expert on what kind to use, but definitely go with whatever increases tensile strength of wood.

3. Have your toothpicks loaded into custom shotgun shells. (Having never loaded a shotgun shell before, I may be grossly overestimating their usable payload length; if this is the case, then the toothpicks in step #1 will need to be cut to size before lacquer is applied in step #2.) This isn't as crazy as it initially sounds; flechette rounds for shotguns already exist.

4. Go vampire hunting. If my theory holds true, one good shot to the chest should send at least several dozen wooden fragments deep into the vampire's heart. Assuming you're using a 12-gauge -- and if you're not, you're crazy -- you should have a nice-tight shot group about 6 inches in diameter at a distance of 18 feet; in other words, the size of a saucer from across the room. Odds should be exceptionally good that at least ONE of the toothpick flechettes will slip between the ribs and bury itself in undead cardiac tissue.

This has the following benefits:

1. You can carry a whole bandolier full of "stakes" at a fraction of the weight and mass.
   
2. Ranged application vs traditional melee method.
   
3. If you fail to connect... chamber a new round and try again.
   
4. Wood buried deeply in the heart ensures the incapacitation of vampires for large amounts of time. Instead of yanking out a single stake, a "rescuer" would need to go in with surgical apparatus (or at least a melon baller).
5. Flechette rounds useful against other soft targets, too.
   
6. You aren't as likely to be sent away to the loony bin for possessing "experimental ammunition" than you are for using anti-vampire wooden stakes.

This is what I think about when I'm bored.