Yep, it's like that.

H/T to The_Jack for giving me the idea.





Happy Thanksgiving, everypony.

Thank You

Thank you, dear readers, for being my friends and online family.  There are times where I feel very alone in the world, but it warms my heart to know that so many of you care about someone whom you've never met.

You welcomed me into your ranks, when I was but an idiot beginner. (I'm still an idiot.) Thank you for that.

You gave me the money to buy a pistol and a permit and ammo and magazines and all sorts of other thing. Thank you for that.

You give me sympathy when I whine, and advice when I need it. Thank you for that.

You encourage me to succeed, help pick me up when I fail, and keep me from getting too big of an ego. Thank you for that.

You want to meet me in person, and are very gentle with my neuroses. Those few of you that I've met in real life have been nothing but kind and accepting to me. Thank you for that.

You make me feel connected, such that when one of you is in trouble, I don't feel like I'm acting improperly by asking about you, or giving you money, or organizing donations. Thank you for that.

You make me feel loved, and I cannot put a price on that. Thank you so very, very much. I love you too.

Pellatarrum: My Goblins are Different

Quick, name a fantasy race that is known for:

• Being short
• Having a high birth rate
• Living in crowded communities
• Eating voraciously

If you said "goblins," you are correct (and lazy, because you read the post title). If, however, you said "halflings", you are also correct (and are quite astute). 

What's interesting about these two races is that, in Pellatarrum, they are the same species. 

Lost History

As mentioned earlier, the origin of the halfling race is not generally known. They were not present when the Elder Races appeared, nor were they created to be servitor races. They just appeared one day. 

Goblins, on the other hand, are assumed to be one of the many races that the orcs created for their great armies. If the great civilization of the orcs had not been toppled and their history lost to the ages, it might be possible to discover that no, goblins were not specifically engineered alongside ogres, bugbears, hobgoblins and the rest. They too just appeared one day and were drafted into the orcish legions. 

(In the orcs' defense, there were dozens of races being created, and it was difficult to keep track of them all. Besides, the goblins wanted to join.)

The Great Secret

What the scholars and historians seem to forget -- or keep overlooking -- is that there are six elemental planes surrounding Pellatarrum, not just four. The Positive and Negative Energy planes are also elemental, embodying the primordial forces of Creation and Entropy. 

Is it any great surprise, then, that on a world which was purposefully designed to exist on an elemental nexus, representatives of Life and Death should manifest?  Life ex nihilo is Positive Energy's stock in trade, and Pellatarrum is bathed in that radiance. Similarly, where there is light there is shadow, and therefore incarnations of entropy also were begat. 

This is, incidentally, why no kobold has ever kidnapped a halfling (or goblin) child: they cannot be cross-bred. The purity of their lineage prevents the dilution of their seed. 

However, this raises a far more interesting question:  what happens when you cross a halfling with a goblin?

Answer: a dead body. There is never any kind of socialization between the two peoples. There is never any sex, just rage and murder and hate. 

Fear and Loathing

Halflings and Goblins hate each other on a level that makes "genocidal" seem like an understatement. To understand why, you must first realize how closely they are related. 

Make a halfling feral and cannibal, and you have a goblin. Bathe a goblin and teach it manners, and you have a halfling. They are as identical as they are opposites, because flip sides of a coin are still from the same coin. They hate each other not because of their differences, but because of their similarities; each race sees the other as a twisted perversion of themselves. 

If you are thinking of the seelie/unseelie division of folklore, you are on the right track, but there is more to it than that. There is also the "dark mirror" aspect -- "I see in you everything I hate about myself, and it fills me with shame, and since it is easier to hate another than it is to hate myself, I will hate you and kill you for my failings."

This deep and abiding shame is why both races do not talk about their similarities (which anger them) or their origins (which would just invite questions). It is rather like having a family member who is a child molester -- better to privately burn in shame, and attempt to quietly excise that branch of the family tree, than to have it be known and invite shame upon all.*

Like a Switch

That said, it is still possible for halflings to go bad, or for goblins to go good. It is a rare event, but when a halfling succumbs to despondence, it experiences a kind of phase-shift and becomes a goblin. Likewise, a goblin afflicted with mania will "see the light" and become a halfling.  

This event is rare because both races have a strong community, and when a potential change is expected rapid and effective responses are mustered. If the afflicted individuals are lucky, they are exposed to the counter-element and the change is prevented. If they are unlucky, or the community response is late in coming or is insufficient, that individual... disappears.

In halfling communities, they are said to have "gotten the wanderlust" and have gone off in search of adventure. In goblin warrens, they end up in the stewpot. 

In the rare instances that an individual survives the transition -- either through isolation or escape -- they wander off in search of a new community, which will welcome them as though they are long-lost cousins. 

Which they are, truthfully. 

Physical Differences

Despite being the same species, halflings and goblins are physically different on a scale that goes beyond mere cosmetics. When one of them changes into the other, they experience not just a change in their mindset, but also in their physiology. 

A halfling is essentially a short human with slightly pointed ears and certain body parts (feet, head and hands) that are just a bit too large for their frame in the same way that the heads of children are out of scale, or puppies have huge paws. There is just something about their appearance that suggests cuteness and vulnerability in humanoid viewers, and this is often a source of mild irritation for a halfling who wishes to be taken seriously -- especially if they are older than the viewer. 

If it helps, imagine what a leprechaun would look like if it were drawn in an anime style. 

Goblins, on the other hand, are feral. While halflings stand up straight and are adapted to the light, goblins are hunched over and optimized for the darkness. Their jaws unhinge for eating objects larger than their mouths, and their teeth are wickedly sharp. Their eyes are mostly pupil, and their ears can rotate like a dog. They are hairless, and their skin hues are earth tones. They are skulking grotesques that inspire revulsion.

The physical difference between goblins and halflings is more explicit and physically divergent than those between Gollum and other hobbits, but the overall dynamic is similar. These changes are due to their vulnerability to positive and negative energy -- any spell or effect which channels radiant or necrotic energy that affects them is doubled in intensity as it alters their very forms. In other words, what is simple healing to most races affects them on a deeper, more fundamental level.

Changing between the two forms is not magical; it cannot be dispelled, nor can it be reversed except through exposure to the counter-element. It is a swift change, but not immediate nor drastic -- an observer not playing close attention could miss the signs until it was too late.  Most of the changes are behavioral, with a shift in thought processes affecting body movement. Think "zombie infection" rather than "lycanthropic shapeshifting."

It is interesting to note that goblins and halflings recognize each other on sight. No amount of disguise or acting can prevent it, although illusory magic can.

Language and Culture

Other than these differences, both races have an amazing ability to blend in with other cultures. They both speak Common, and whatever language is used by the races surrounding them. They adopt many of the cultures and mores of the people around them, with their boisterousness serving to make them seem "like us, but moreso" to those who might otherwise wish them harm. 

This is due mainly to the fact that while the Elder Races appeared with hundreds or thousands of years of history for their cultures, halflings and goblins just appeared out of nothing. Without any real civilization of their own -- no history to support them, no traditions to guide them -- they just borrowed those of the races nearby and made them their own.

They are, in essence, the greatest social chameleons -- and culture thieves -- that Pellatarrum has ever seen. 

It's the Little Things that Matter

Halfling and goblin society is remarkably similar -- they differ only in intent and degrees:

• Both are voracious omnivores; goblins are simply less picky in what they eat.
• Both reproduce rapidly; halflings just take care of their offspring with more care (the difference between "children" and "spawn" is critical.) 
• Both are comfortable underground, but while goblins have warrens, halflings have burrows. 
• Both like kites. Goblins just make theirs from the skin and bones of their victims, with entrail streamers. 
• One is a community where members look out for one another; the other is a pack/tribe where Social Darwinism is the order of the day. 

* Private Things are Private

This of course raises the question, "What happens when player characters discover this secret?"

It should first be mentioned that there is no real reason why the DM should feel a need to suppress this knowledge. The game world will not end if the secret origin of these two races is revealed. Indeed, it is entirely possible that it is already known by sages and scholars. 

It's what the PCs do with this knowledge that is important. As mentioned, both halflings and goblins feel this is a deeply shameful secret -- so shameful that they are willing to commit mass murder in order to conceal it. 

Are the PCs really so dim that they do not see the disaster inherent in the notion of blackmailing a people who fit in everywhere and are prevalent within the hospitality industry? Or in exposing the shame of a race of spies, sneak thieves and assassins?

If they are, then they deserve to disappear quietly in the night while they sleep at an inn, or never leave a quiet town in a deep valley. After all, how else do you think the halflings get the marvelous fertilizer they need to grow their delicious crops?

Surely this is the end of days...

... because a miracle has occurred:  Someone has rendered Justin Bieber's music listenable.  Sure, they had to slow it down 800%, but still.

As someone else observed, this is AMAZING background music to use in role-playing games. It has a haunted forest/ epic wilderness vibe that is somehow both creepy and relaxing.

Hangin' with Oleg Volk

Oleg Volk -- gunnie, photographer, and friend of this blog -- was in Florida this week doing work down at Kel-Tec, and so I had the opportunity to spend most of the weekend  hanging out with him. Despite my previously-stated aversion to meeting people in public, I leaped at this opportunity.

I can't adequately describe in a single blog post the events that happened, because there was just so much that happened, and a lot of these events (such as firing the KSG and RFB) require their own posts.

The fact that I can milk these for several entries is just icing.

For those of you who haven't met Oleg, he is a unique individual. Just for laughs, here are some amusing facts about him you may not know:

• He looks remarkably like Alan Cumming. Specifically, Alan Cumming's role as Boris Grishenko in Goldeneye. You probably think I'm exaggerating, but I promise you that it's true.

• The first time I met him, he was so incredibly amped up that I swear I saw his right arm vibrating.  He also talks a million miles a second and his conversations veer so sharply that half the time I think he interrupts himself. 
• Between the accent and the motion and the photography, he's basically a human version of Photo Finish. 
• He's nowhere near as arrogant or pretentious, of course. But the constant "and now... WE GO!" vibe is strong with him. 
• Which is funny, because the man himself is like a human Valium. Always soft spoken, always very calm and zen. In fact, the only time his voice approaches what I would consider to be an acceptable level of volume is when he's talking to his parents in Russian. 
• It just seems like the entire world constantly whirls around him while he manages to remain the calm center of everything. I like to refer to him as "The Entil'Zha of the Gunnie World," and if you don't get that reference then you should be ashamed of yourself for missing some excellent science fiction. 
• He apparently thinks the ability to sharpen a knife is wizardry. 

In the time I was hanging with Oleg, the following things happened:

• I was convinced at least twice that I was about to die. 
• I found myself chasing a feral pig whilst holding his camera. 
• I got to shoot a KSG, an RFB and an SU-16. 
• I was part of a zombie firing squad. 
• I saw a target go boom from Tannerite. 
• I nearly blinded myself with a flashlight. 
• I had at least two moments of awesome when I was able to reach into my bag or my car and produce something utterly unexpected yet absolutely useful. 
• In an amusing bit of role reversal, I got to take a picture of Oleg in front of the camera for a change:

I took this picture with his camera. 

So, yeah. In the course of a weekend I probably have a week's worth of posts. I will talk about amazing things and give reviews of the guns I shot. 

And I will probably name-drop shamelessly, because I crave attention and validation. Look at meeeeee!

Blogger Nuremberg Defense

Just a quick thought based upon the mocking tone of a news-scraping site that only goes after low-hanging fruit:

We've all heard the Nuremberg Defense:  "I was just following orders."  Interestingly enough, courts and courts-martial do not feel this is sufficient defense against performing acts which are morally wrong.

Then there's the Yuppie Nuremberg Defense: "I just need to pay the mortgage." This is usually claimed whenever someone has to do something distasteful/unethical/wrong in order to pay the bills. See: the TSA.

I posit that there is also a Blogger Nuremberg Defense. To whit: "Hey, you knew I was an asshole when you started reading this blog." In other words, if you the reader feel that something is in poor taste, it's your fault for feeling that way.  It's basically a non-apology in the guise of an apology.

Please note that this is not a call for censorship. You can say whatever the hell you want to say on your blog. I just feel that if you're going to be a douche, you should step up and own your words with a "Yeah, this is how I feel, and that's not going to change" rather than suggesting that your blog is some kind of subtle performance art and anyone who takes offense/doesn't find it funny is somehow not getting it.

Hell, I once lost readers because a good chunk of Canada couldn't take a joke (or understand satire, I'm not sure which.)  Kindly note that I owned my words and didn't apologize for them.

Some people may think that I've done exactly the same thing that I'm accusing the other blogger of doing. Well, maybe so, and if that's the case I'll own that, too. I don't think that I have, but maybe I'm wrong.  Whichever one it is, I stand by my opinions, and I won't apologize for them. I may apologize for the effects they cause -- Hey, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings -- but I won't ever apologize for my words unless I am proven to be factually wrong, e.g. I called you a lying shithead, and it was just proven to me that you weren't lying. I'm sorry I called you a liar. The shithead portion still stands.

WNW: The Lord of the Rings Re-enacted by Ponies

And it is glorious.