Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Meltdown in progress. Please stand by.

OK, so here's what is going on in my life right now. Warning -- whining ahead.

My father (who just turned 78) was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease last year. He's on medication for it and is responding well, but he's turning into one of those creaky, slow-moving old men who can do less and less, and I'm having to do more and more for him.

My mother has some kind of lung problem that's been bugging her since at least November. After a barrage of tests and specialists, the pulmonologist finally determined via CAT scan that she has scars/ nodules/ cysts/ some fucking thing inside her lung, and so she needs a bronchioscopy. That's scheduled for the 22nd (yay, more waiting). She's often out of breath and lacking energy, so she's probably not getting enough oxygen. Because of this, I have to do more for her, and be there for her more often.

Did I mention that when someone in the family gets sick, dad acts like it's a massive fucking inconvenience directed specifically AT HIM and basically acts like a petulant, sulking child? Or that mom is so goddamn stubborn that she'll work until she almost passes out rather than ask for help?

And we also have two young, energetic dogs who are more than mom can handle by herself (and dad can't be bothered to help with) and so I'm constantly having to stop what I'm doing in order to take care of them -- let them in, let them out, play with them, give them attention (which is fine, but they're both NEEDY because, let's face it, this is not an emotionally healthy home and they reflect that), and generally take care of them. And I love them, but I just a certain amount of time per day to be left alone without someone AT me all the time.

And of course there's my inability to live the way I want to live because I'm living with two "all fags burn in hell" arch-conservatives, and that's because I am financially unable to take care of myself. The great irony here is that even if I *could* take care of my money needs, I'd still feel like I was abandoning my family.

So I'm stressed for a variety of reasons, but mostly they boil down to "I'm trapped by finances and guilt and cannot make a single positive change in my life." Pile on top of THAT the worry about my mom's health, increased duties and responsibilities, sexual loneliness and frustration, the knowledge that for as long as I'm stuck here I'm never going to be an attractive choice for a mate, and it all turns into a gigantic pile of I AM OVERWHELMED AND CANNOT HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW. I just want to lock myself in my room, turn off the lights, and cry, because -- joy! -- my monthly depression happened a week earlier than expected, and caught me unaware. Because it ambushed me, I wasn't prepared to handle it, and so it hit me worse than usual.

Now, before I go, and before you respond, you need to know that:

  • It's not your job to solve my problems for me.
  • I know the world doesn't owe me a damn thing, and I accept this.
  • I am venting because it releases emotional pressure, not because I am an attention whore or am trolling for compliments.

That said, if anyone wants to pray for me, I would be pathetically grateful. I need all the emotional and spiritual support I can get.


  1. Wow ! OK. Can't help.....Just passing through.......When you get to ten, start over. OK ?

  2. Evyl Robot MichaelFebruary 4, 2014 at 4:58 PM

    You're always in my prayers Erin. I am confident that great things are in your future, even when it looks bleak to you. I know it's not much, but I hope that brings you some level of comfort.

  3. When I get to ten what? Shots of rum?

  4. Can I whine to? My Wife is paralyzed from the wast down, I now do all the cooking and house work (I am not very good at it but I do the best that I can),
    We have Two daughters, One lives at home but she works a lot, So that leaves me with taking care of my wife's needs most of the time. I almost never get to go to the gun range or go any where. My hearing is going bad and that causes a problem when my wife wants something and i get is wrong. I am working on trying to get a hearing aid. well that's all the whining for now.
    Sincerely Stepinit

  5. I can at least commiserate. I have a disabled Mother and a aging grandmother that I live with and take care of. Neither of which can do much, if anything, around the house. On top of that, I work a full time job and have two kids who live with my ex that I go pick them up every Friday after work and give them back Sunday evening. So I never get a day off.

    No time for dates, not that anyone would put up with this mess.

    Not complaining, I'm actually a little surprised at how well I'm doing for a dude who isn't really the "caregiver" type. Just commiserating.


  6. It's tough. It scars. But you are stronger, even if you don't always feel like it.

    Praying for you.

  7. Whining allowed. Praying.

    And you might look into caregiver support and respite. (I'm on 24/7 at my house as well.)

  8. I'm sorry to hear this. How much does a new hearing aid cost, and do you need help getting one?

  9. Yeah, that's the worst part, isn't it? Being terribly lonely but realizing that no one with any sense would go out with you in the first place.

  10. The problem is that they aren't at the stage where they need a professional caregiver (and even if they did I don't know if they could afford one).

  11. That stinks. But you can check with the local aging council and churches. A lot of them offer different type of respite activities. I know all about not being able to afford the professionals. Regardless I'm sure you will do what is best for you and your situation. Good luck.

  12. Why is the rum gone?

  13. Well, if it helps... I got diagnosed the other day with signs of early glaucoma in one eye. I go to see a specialist on Tuesday.

    Yay, pity party!

    Hang in there, Erin. You know we all love ya.

  14. Why would someone else's misfortune help?? :(

    I'm terribly sorry you're developing glaucoma. I hope you can get it fixed.

    :: hugs ::

  15. Shared misery? Honestly, this is not near as bad as it could be -- it was caught early and can be treated. I'm mostly irked because there's nothing I could do to prevent it.

  16. I'll pray with you. To steal from Monty Python: "Life's a piece of s$%t when you look at it..."
    Don't do what I did. I said "well at least it can't get any worse than this." It did.


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