Thursday, August 4, 2011

An open letter to CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Dear CSI,

It's not me, it's you. You just aren't the same show any more.

From the moment I caught your first episode on a SPIKE TV marathon and I was instantly hooked. I would race home from work and watch 2-3 hours of you while I ate dinner and decompressed. I got caught up with 4 seasons of your show in a period of a few months, and then I watched your new episodes every Thursday.

But you changed. My first indication that you were moving on should have been when you took Greg out of the lab and put him in the field, but I liked the tow-headed little rascal and wanted to see him do well. I started to look askance at our relationship when George Eads was almost kicked out due to contract negotiations, because Nick Stokes is my boy, yo. And that's when things got abusive.

You put Catherine through such an emotional wringer that I almost wanted her to leave because every episode that focused on her was angst-ridden. You killed Warrick, who I admit was never my favorite character, but I liked the way he interacted with Nick and Grissom. You got rid of Sara -- a move of which I approved, thank you very much -- but then, in defiance of all logic and continuity, you brought her back.  Meanwhile, you allowed Grissom to leave. I understand that the actor wanted out and you didn't have much control over that, but Grissom was very much the soul of the show and when he went, the show stopped being an ensemble techno-mystery and became...

Well, it became lame, if not flat-out awful. I mean, just look at the vast majority of last season's episodes and you'll see what I mean. A shark, in a pool, in Vegas? Oh, a pool shark, how droll.

But I digress. I liked Gil's replacement, Ray Langston, quite a bit. Laurence Fishburne is an excellent actor, and he's married to Gina Torres, so that makes him a Browncoat as far as I'm concerned. I even enjoyed the arc with his nemesis, Nate Haskell. It's just that, well, sometime in the past few seasons the show stopped being about an ensemble and focused on Langston. I realize he is a big name actor, and you wanted to get the most out of what is probably an enormous salary, but he became the star of the show. Look, there is a reason I don't watch CSI: Miami or CSI: New York, and that reason is A) I don't want to watch a star vehicle (even though I have much love and respect for Gary Sinise as a person and as an actor), and B) I cannot stand David Caruso and I wish he'd die of cancer of the aids of the leukemia of the eye.

But you know what the final nail in the coffin of our relationship was? It was when you made that execrable David Hodges  into a full cast member. I cannot explain how much I hate that smarmy little toad of a man.

Still, I couldn't quite break away. There were characters I still cared about, and plotlines I wanted to follow. But at the end of last season, you gave me a perfect exit point when you wrapped up the Haskell/Langston arc while, at the same time, not ending on a cliffhanger. Add to that the fact that Fishburne wanted to leave the show, and that you were going to replace him with Ted Danson -- TED DANSON, for crissakes -- and my breakup with you could not be more perfect than if I had received an engraved invitation cordially inviting me to tell you to shove it.

I should have left long ago, when William Peterson left. I see that now. The weakness was mine. But I'm stronger now, and I need to end this. So, come next fall, I will no longer be watching you, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, on Thursday nights. I do sincerely wish you continued luck and happiness as we go our separate ways.

Although, if I may: get rid of that damned Sara Sidle. That little weasel-mouth smirk of hers disgusts me about as much as Hodges' ass-kissing.

Love and kisses,
Erin Palette


  1. Someday I dread that I'll have to break up with Castle, for much the same reasons... I typically hate the murder-of-the-week format, but I'm willing to forgive anything Nathan Fillion is in, especially when he's got the strong ensemble cast to work with.

    I'm also starting to wonder if ANY show that includes a shark but not the ocean for any reason is pretty much doomed. And honestly, I don't think shows could include a shark even if they WERE set on the ocean.

    Oh, sharks. The greatest predator of the well-written serial drama or comedy, apparently.

  2. Add to this the fact that they sometimes glamorize the work of these forensic engineers and investigators too much that they already need to put some crazy stuff in it.


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