Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Wrestling with ghosts

That's how I feel these days, like I'm trying to grab a hold of something intangible.

Remember how a while back I wrote about how your preps should be in service to you instead of you being in service to your preps?  Well, lately I've been feeling like I'm in service to this blog instead of my blog being in service to me, and I don't really know how to fix that.

I just feel like I'm not being as creative as I once was, and I feel constrained by something that once was an outlet for creativity. I used to be zany and creative and Discordian and now I'm not, and that bugs me.

I just feel like I am so busy blogging  just to maintain my blog schedule that I no longer write for the pleasure of writing. I feel like I haven't been creative in months, and I haven't touched my novel in a couple years now.

It's like I'm so busy being a blogger that I have no time to be a writer, which is deeply ironic because I started this blog specifically to get back into the habit of writing and to be an outlet for creativity, and now it feels like I'm shackled to it instead.

And then I see people who manage to be both bloggers AND writers and frankly, it makes me jealous. I don't begrudge them their success but it makes me wonder "Why can't I do that?"  and it makes me feel a failure that I can't.

I know that something needs to change, but I don't know what or how or why. I don't plan to walk away from this blog, so you can stop worrying, but I wish I could recapture that spark I had. I don't hear the creative voices in my head any more. I've lost the divine madness, and I miss it.

I don't know how to fix it and I don't want to walk away from everything I've built in a vain attempt to "find myself" or recapture that bottled lightning. I know something is wrong and it distresses me that I don't even know where to begin fixing it. 

I'm not really going anywhere with this. I'm just venting out loud as I flail in frustration and hopefully stumble towards a solution. 

Thanks for listening. 

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