Sweet Buttery Eris Lays a Deuce on Me

People often ask me "So Erin, why are you a devotee of a chaos goddess when you can't stand uncertainty and hate drama?" and I frequently reply with Goddammit it's 3:30 in the morning get out of my lingerie drawer I just got it organized. 

But I think the real reason I follow Mother Mayhem is this: 

• I'm not sure she exists.
• I'm not sure ANY deity exists, if I'm being honest, as they all seem to ignore me
• But bad things seem to happen to me anyway, so it helps to put a "human" face to them. 
• This way, when life shits on me, I can go "I am so blessed! Lady Chaos is showering me with her love and affection!"
• And I end up not taking it as personally, because it's like Eris is Overly Attached Goddess and this is just how she is. At least I've got a deity paying attention to me, even if it's incredibly dysfunctional, yeah?

Case in point:  Today I woke up to the dulcet tones of "Oh, good morning Tech Support!"  Before I'd even had my coffee, I had to fix the family computer that kept booting to the Windows Recovery Utility. I am not awake enough, nor drunk enough, to deal with this shit. 

I pop in the Vista disk and see if I can fix it. The Startup Repair tool says "Dude, ain't nothin' wrong here."

Oookay. I try to do System Restore from last good known save point... and it still boots right back to Recovery Console. 

12 hours later...

Well, I've managed to figure out how to clear the Admin password and unlock the account, which means that I'm making progress. But clearly there's something wrong with the partition, because when I type DISKPART at the command prompt, I get this:

when I should get something that looks like this:

Gee thanks, Mama Mindfuck! I really wanted to be doing IT stuff all day instead of writing. And hey, the big steaming crap you took on me is keeping me nice and toasty warm. 

If there's any good side to this, it's the fact that it's nice to periodically remind The Colonel that I do serve a purpose in this house, and that if I weren't here he'd be spending money on tech support that would take the computer for days and not really care if they fixed it or not. I, on the other hand, am invested in this, and while I try to fix it he can use my laptop to check his email. 

Oh, Eris. Why must your love sting like hate?

http://jaquelindreamz.deviantart.com/art/MLP-Eris-Shrug-308149507

BREAKING NEWS!

Squeaky just sent me an email with the following missive:

Erin: I see the poll has the Jabberwock in 1st, and 50 Shades in 2nd for the dramatic reading. Tell everyone I will do the second place finisher - if it's Jabberwock, I will do it in the proper Olde English, and if it's 50 Shades, I will do my "phone sex" voice, which is everyone else's "receptionist" voice (seriously, I got asked out too many times while working relay...it was creepy).

You realize, of course, that having 50 Shades come in second place MUST HAPPEN.  That way you get the following:

1. A happy Erin
2. A sexy Squeaky
3. Two readings for the price of one. 

Chop chop, people!  :D

Update on Stretch Goals & Stuff

All right, so here is more the bad news:  Last week, my car decided that it didn't like going in reverse any more. Combine that with the excessively rough shifting that my car has been doing for the past several years, and it's indicative of a transmission that's going to shit itself at any moment.

This effects the photo shoot I had with Oleg, because the closest he can get to me until, say, October is Atlanta, GA. This is a good 6 hours away by interstate, and I'm not comfortable with driving that far in a car that may be in its death throes.

So the upshot of all this is that come September 1, the glossy pictures you were expecting may not happen. However, this does not change my obligation to you, and if I have to post a shitty cell-phone selfie to my blog, I'll do that.

In hopefully better news, let's try and get Stretch Goal #2 delivered. So far, here are the choices which have been nominated:

• My original work "Batman, as written by Chuck Palahniuk."  It should be noted this is my personal choice. 
• The Butter Battle Book by Dr. Seuss. This is Squeaky's choice. 
• The poem Jabberwocky by Lewis Carrol. 
• The Walrus and the Carpenter, also by Carrol. 
• A Shakespearean monologue. I'm rather fond of Henry V, m'self. 
• Something from 50 Shades of Gray. If you motherfuckers pick this, my revenge will be epic. 
• Something from Pulp Fiction.

I will make a poll of this tonight so you folks can start voting. 

IT HAS BEGUN

Yes, you really need to imagine that title being said by Shang Tsung.

(As an aside, I really do adore the Mortal Kombat movie, cheese and all. As far as I'm concerned, it's the 90s version of Enter the Dragon.)

Anyway, I wanted to let y'all know that the initial barrage of gifts for Operation: Lymeparty has found its target:

ZOMG LAZOR EYES

I cannot tell you how unspeakably pleased I am that one of the first gifts to Squeaky was that parasol she wanted -- but she can, so let her tell you herself.


All right, now let's talk about Stretch Goals.  First off, I want to thank everyone who, through a combination of love, rhetoric, and violent screaming (much love to ya, Squeaky ;) told me in no uncertain terms that I was  off the hook for any and all pictures that made me uncomfortable. Sadly, this kind of cuts the knees off of Tiers 5 and 6, and I really don't know how to fix that. If anyone else wants to make suggestion, please go ahead.

Tier 1:  Fulfilled.

Tier 2:  There doesn't seem to be a consensus about what I should dramatically read. May I suggest my epic "Batman, as written by Chuck Palahniuk"?  I know I'm no Kevin Conroy, but on a really bad allergy day I'm sure I can be at least as scratchy as Christian Bale.

Tier 3:  Jennifer has taken over for Squeaky in lieu of S.W.'s bad health, but we are still having a heck of a time coming up with a good duet. I don't much want to be cast as "the guy," but that's what 90% of duets are. Blargh.

Tier 4:  "Gunnie Cosplay."  Right now, I've only heard three ideas that might be feasible:  Annie Oakley; some kind of "My Little Mosin,"  probably involving an ushanka and a greatcoat;  and a re-enactment of the profile picture I had before I replaced it with a pony version:

The middle one is probably the easiest to do, as I'm certain Oleg can get an ushanka and greatcoat.  Don't know about the costuming for Annie Oakley, and while we might get the costumes for Nerd Huntress, I worry (as is my nature) that my features will result in a VERY unappealing photograph.

Tier 5 has been removed from the table per Squeaky Wheel's request. I still feel bad about not fulfilling this. How about we wait until my big reveal September 1, and then you folks can make requests on this and Tier 6 after having seen my real face?

And that's about all I have right now...  please comment below, as I crave feedback.

I'm so happy I could vomit.

Literally.

So, last night Squeaky posted that between the YouCaring site and private donations to her PayPal account, we've broken the $3000 mark.  Hooray!

This also means that you've unlocked what is, essentially, the Cheesecake Photograph Tier.  Quoting from my post about Stretch Goals:

$3000:  I might be persuaded to do a bikini pic. I warn you, however, that this isn't nearly as titillating as you might think. But if you want something fun, flirty, pin-up, etc, this is your goal. You poor bastards.

Now before you jump to conclusions, I want you all to know that I'm not going to weasel out of this at all. Squeaky has given me all sorts of escape valves here -- "Have you ever considered the fact that you don't have to wear ONLY a bikini?" -- but I have a sense of honor about keeping my word.  I'm not going to let the fact that I am so freaked out about showing more than my face that, when I heard the news, I threw up a couple times stop me from fulfilling my obligations.

Because I might be an asshole, but I'm an honest asshole, dammit.

Even though I honestly thought you folks would never donate that much, and I was never in any danger of having to see it through, and I included that tier only to entice folks to donate more, I will keep the promises I made.

But I am going to beg you guys -- please don't ask me to pose in a bikini. Please. You think you want to see this, but you do not.   I cannot stress this with enough force. I will find character references, if necessary, to back up how nasty my body is.

You will be horribly disappointed if you think you will get a sexy, titillating shot.   I'm talking seriously angry disappointed. "Demanding your money back" disappointed. I beg you again. Do not ask this of me.

That said... I made a promise, and I'm going to keep it. If that is what you folks really, really want... on your own heads be it. We will all suffer a disaster beyond your imagination.

Trying something new

Since you folks were kind enough to reach the first three stretch goals, here (as promised) is a recording of me singing not just the song I promised, but  an additional one as well -- and a lot of blather besides.

I couldn't figure out how to upload it so here's a link to the mp3 on Dropbox.

So anyways, this is me with my first voice-recording-thing. I can't call it a podcast -- it's far too amateur hour for that.

Please be kind.

[insert expletives here]

You guys.

YOU GUYS.

I tell you to bring your A game, and you totally show me what you've got.

In 36 hours, you fully funded Squeaky's goal.  That's so amazing I need to invent new profanity to describe its amazing-ness:

You coyvers are simply apefling, you know that? Such splendid goibbleknockers, the lot of you. Why, I'd prusk any one of you as thanks for this (but never on the mouth). 

So because you fulfilled your end of the bargain, it looks like I have to...

... pony up.





Except there's just one small problem:  I didn't expect this fundraiser to be finished in thirty-six karglefluging hours.  Plans are in motion, guys; plans for me to meet up with Oleg and do a multiple-picture shoot. I am absolutely not backing out of this, but you're going to have to wait for these plans to come to fruition before I properly expose myself.  You'll see my face by September 1, if not before -- it all depends upon how quickly things come together. I just need y'all to understand why there isn't a picture here on this blog right now.

But since I'm making you wait, let's sweeten the pot with some Stretch Goals to encourage folks to keep donating. Extra donations are really useful, because this funding goal was the minimum amount Squeaky needed, you see -- it doesn't cover extras like follow-up appointments, medications, or crablogging anesthesia, of all things, it just covers the operation itself.  And I think we all know how unexpected expenses can pop up after surgery!

So let's start this off easily.

• $1600:  I will sing my Doctor Doom Filk, "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Marvel Mastermind" and post the recording here. I make no guarantees as to sound quality. 

• $1700:  I will do a dramatic reading or recite a monologue as chosen by a vote. Alternately, you could have me do a spoken word version of one of my blog posts, or do silly voices and impressions. 

• $1800:  Bonnie and I will sing a duet of your choice. Again, quality is relative, although she is a trained opera singer so the result should be slightly better. 

• $2000:  I will have Oleg take a special picture of me. This will NOT be cheesecake! However, if you want something like "Dress up like a Hogwarts character and pose with your Avada Kedavra Mosin,"  I could do that. Basically, think "gunnie cosplay."

• $3000:  I might be persuaded to do a bikini pic. I warn you, however, that this isn't nearly as titillating as you might think. But if you want something fun, flirty, pin-up, etc, this is your goal. You poor bastards.

• $5000:  Video of me, in a bikini or other piece of clothing, holding whatever gun or prop you want (nothing illegal or disgusting), singing whatever song you want.  I'm particularly fond of the notion of me singing "Tiptoe through the tulips" wearing a Russian peasant dress and ushanka, carrying a Mosin-Nagant...

Show me what you've got, shpdoinkers!