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Saturday, August 3, 2013

[insert expletives here]

You guys.


I tell you to bring your A game, and you totally show me what you've got.

In 36 hours, you fully funded Squeaky's goal.  That's so amazing I need to invent new profanity to describe its amazing-ness:
You coyvers are simply apefling, you know that? Such splendid goibbleknockers, the lot of you. Why, I'd prusk any one of you as thanks for this (but never on the mouth). 
So because you fulfilled your end of the bargain, it looks like I have to...

... pony up.

Except there's just one small problem:  I didn't expect this fundraiser to be finished in thirty-six karglefluging hours.  Plans are in motion, guys; plans for me to meet up with Oleg and do a multiple-picture shoot. I am absolutely not backing out of this, but you're going to have to wait for these plans to come to fruition before I properly expose myself.  You'll see my face by September 1, if not before -- it all depends upon how quickly things come together. I just need y'all to understand why there isn't a picture here on this blog right now.

But since I'm making you wait, let's sweeten the pot with some Stretch Goals to encourage folks to keep donating. Extra donations are really useful, because this funding goal was the minimum amount Squeaky needed, you see -- it doesn't cover extras like follow-up appointments, medications, or crablogging anesthesia, of all things, it just covers the operation itself.  And I think we all know how unexpected expenses can pop up after surgery!

So let's start this off easily.

  • $1600:  I will sing my Doctor Doom Filk, "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Marvel Mastermind" and post the recording here. I make no guarantees as to sound quality. 
  • $1700:  I will do a dramatic reading or recite a monologue as chosen by a vote. Alternately, you could have me do a spoken word version of one of my blog posts, or do silly voices and impressions. 
  • $1800:  Bonnie and I will sing a duet of your choice. Again, quality is relative, although she is a trained opera singer so the result should be slightly better. 
  • $2000:  I will have Oleg take a special picture of me. This will NOT be cheesecake! However, if you want something like "Dress up like a Hogwarts character and pose with your Avada Kedavra Mosin,"  I could do that. Basically, think "gunnie cosplay."
  • $3000:  I might be persuaded to do a bikini pic. I warn you, however, that this isn't nearly as titillating as you might think. But if you want something fun, flirty, pin-up, etc, this is your goal. You poor bastards.
  • $5000:  Video of me, in a bikini or other piece of clothing, holding whatever gun or prop you want (nothing illegal or disgusting), singing whatever song you want.  I'm particularly fond of the notion of me singing "Tiptoe through the tulips" wearing a Russian peasant dress and ushanka, carrying a Mosin-Nagant...

Show me what you've got, shpdoinkers!


  1. One of these days, you're gonna learn to be darn careful issuing challenges... Cause there might end up being video of you dressed as Julie Andrews singing "A few of my favorite things."

  2. Wouldn't you rather me sing Tam's "Gun Show Song" instead?

  3. I rather like the cut of your jib, ma'am.

  4. There is a severe lack of Pony Cosplay discussed here, I must say.

    - Ark

  5. I would like to place an early request for the dramatic reading to be Samuel Jackson's monologue from the opening of Pulp Fiction.

  6. Dressed as Julie Andrews?

  7. I have to say, I agree. I think perhaps a Ponysona cosplay should either replace the bikini shots, or be another tier.

  8. Full of so much awesome!!!

  9. As a counterpoint, I would suggest any of Ron Perlman's dialogue from the Fallout games.


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