Know what you don't know (Z Kit)

All right. Zombies are rising from their graves in search of living flesh, it's the end of the world as you know it, and you have a trusty utility blade. Now what do you do?

That, as Han Solo said, is the real trick, because what you do is any number of things, dependent upon any number of other things. And try as you might, you can't plan for every contingency and know what to do in every single situation, because you are not the goddamn Batman.

Instead, to be particularly zen about it, you need to know what you don't know, by which I mean "Know the categories in which you are deficient." Once you do that, you can assemble the knowledge you will need but do not possess. (Being able to access this information during the apocalypse is in itself a difficult task that is sadly outside the purview of this particular article. I leave it as an exercise for the apt pupil.)

I personally swear by two books: the Pocket Ref and the SAS Survival Handbook.


The Pocket Ref is small. It's about the same size as a pack of cigarettes -- you can easily fit it into a shirt pocket -- and it is dense with information, most of it technical and formulaic. If you're an dataphile like me, the sheer breadth and depth of interesting and useful information is enough to make you drool. Check the table of contents to see for yourself. There is so much neat shit in here that I don't know where to begin. I mean, just look at what is in under the General Science chapter:

Temperature Conversions °F-°C
Sound Intensities
Human Body Composition
Body Weight vs. Height
Physical Growth % - Boys
Physical Growth %$- Girls
Acceleration Due to Gravity
Beaufort Wind Strength Scale
Wind Chill Factors
Heat - Humidity Factors
Firewood/Fuel Heat Comparisons
Frequency Spectrum
Sun and Planetary Data

This is the book that carries the Adam Savage Seal of Approval: "It's got everything in it... It should be in everyone's toolbox." I don't know when or where or even if I would need a tenth of this, but since math has never been my strong suit it's good to know this tiny tome is here to cover my back.

You can order the Pocket Ref for $13 direct from the publisher.




This book, on the other hand, is huge. It's about 8x5" and one inch thick, with pages that feel more like very thin vinyl than paper. It's also rather heavy -- I don't have a scale small enough to measure it, but I know I could beat a small rodent to death with it.

EDIT: The shipping weight of this mighty tome is 1.8 pounds. Yikes.

Like the Pocket Ref, it is also dense with information, and reminds me of nothing less than a Boy Scout/Girl Scout camping manual, but with all of the propaganda taken out and replaced with even more information. If you're a fan of Bear Grylls, you'll love this book. I bought mine on Amazon.


Both of these books live in my Z Kit, inside a small dry bag. I actually have three of those: the small one is around a critical piece of electronics, the larger one contains 3 days supply of socks and underwear, and the largest holds these books, a radio, and some batteries. I don't have a brand name to recommend to you, but I do know, based from the experience of not having one, that a bag with a self-purging seal is well worth the money.


These are the two books I would take with me if I had to live on a deserted island, or stranded in the past. However, I welcome any recommendations of other books my readers feel are both useful and information-dense.

Utility Blade addendum

I forgot to mention this in Friday's post, but it's crucial: Make sure your utility blade has a decent handle. The best tool in the world won't do you any good if you can't comfortably grip it.

(Insert obligatory "That's what she said!" here.)

Sadly, the Cold Steel Kukri fails in this regard. If you watched the entire "Test to destruction" series I posted, you'll see that it has a full tang, which is awesome, but it has this diamond-knurled kraton handle which, at least in my tiny hands, is way too big to comfortably grip. Ironically, the checkering is uncomfortable to my palm without providing adequate friction (again, TWSS), so it feels like it's gonna slip out of my grip with every swing.

I originally addressed this problem with duct tape wrapped around the grip, and it worked adequately, but it was ugly and wrinkled and left sticky residue everywhe--

Sigh.

Oi, you in the back! If you're going to keep sniggering like that I'll turn this post right around!

Anyway. Nathan, my internet little brother (Hi Nathan!) heard my plight and recommended this to me:

The Limbasver Tentacle Grip (in black and camo)

Naturally, mine is black.

What's ironic is that this particular wrap cost more than the actual kukri itself! But don't think of that as an indictment against the Cold Steel kukri machete. This is not throwing good money after bad, this is making an already awesome product perfect. And just for the record, I'm not getting paid anything to promote any of these products.

But I have to say, this thing is fantastic. It insulates against the cold, absorbs shock (and there is a lot of shock when you're chopping things) and best of all the sticky little rubber suction cups practically glue the handle to my palm like I was a Japanese schoolgirl in a hentai anime.

So... yeah. When you're swinging your tool with all your might, you don't want to lose or break it due to a small, sweaty grip. Use big black tentacle wraps and your palm will never leave your tool again.

*rimshot*

The Utility Blade (Z Kit)

I realize I'm going to sound like a cliché here, but the best survival tool you can possibly possess is a good, strong knife. (Blah blah blah will to live, blah blah blah your brain, blah blah blah optimism. I'm talking about tools, not attributes.) Now, a lot has been said about multi-tools like Swiss Army Knives and Leatherman Tools, and they do have their place in any decent Z Kit -- in fact, I have both -- but if I had to pick one and only one item in my kit, it would be my Kukri Machete.

I have the smaller blade on the left -- and by smaller I mean it's only eighteen inches long. If you want to feel like a Spartan warrior or are simply overcompensating for a small penis, get the 22-inch Magnum.

The Kukri, as you can see, is kind of a combination axe and sword -- more like a combat meat cleaver, than anything else -- and it can do a lot of tasks:

Despite usage in the military, the kukri is most commonly used as a woodcutting and general purpose tool, and is a very common agricultural and household implement in Nepal... the kukri is most commonly employed as a multi-use utility tool, rather like a machete. It can be used for building, clearing, chopping firewood, digging, cutting meat and vegetables, skinning and also for opening tins.

So what we have here is a tool that is allegedly very, very good at chopping, slicing, and thwacking, and can do all sorts of other things at various levels of competency. (Admittedly, if you want to dig a hole, a shovel is better than a kukri, but a kukri is far better than your hands.) Naturally, there are the twin questions of Cost and Durability, i.e. "Is it worth my hard-earned cash." These are legitimate concerns, as there are some hellishly expensive kukris out there, and some that are made of really cheap 420 stainless steel (which is good for steak knives and not much else). In response, let me say this:

1. I bought mine for $23.50 including S&H from Your Corner Store. (Edited 7/3/2015: now available for $20 at Amazon)
2. It's made from 1055 high-carbon steel, which isn't the sharpest in the world but is very, very durable. This is what farming implements are made from, and it's designed for strength and impact resistance.
3. OH NO NOT THE CONCRETE! Kukri wins.... fatality! If it can chop through a block of concrete, you just KNOW it will take off a zombie's head (or hand, or arm, or...)

So as you can see, you get quite a lot of bang for not a lot of buck.


Do I need to mention how this fits into D&D?

Kukri

8 gp

1d3

1d4

18–20/x2

—

2 lb.

Slashing

(Although really, I have to take exception to that puny 1d4 damage. Even without talking about differences in metallurgy, it's at least comparable to an axe in damage, which is 1d6.)


There you have it. A cheap, durable, reliable blade that fits easily into a pack, will easily decapitate a zombie, can support your weight and survive all the abuse you can throw at it as it performs tasks it was never meant to do.

If you can't see why this is my #1 item in my Z Kit, there's no reasoning with you.

Introducing the Z Kit

This post is probably going to wander all over the place for a bit, so bear with me.

A while back, I commented on my love for gadgets and my desire to keep them with my laptop in what I called a Rob Liefeld Bag: all pouches and flaps and zippers and compartments so that each tool and gewgaw could nest in its own cozy little bed. I was all set to get this bag, and then when I was ready to order one it turned out the price had gone up. It wasn't by much, but when combined with shipping & handling it reached the critical tipping point known as "Screw this, I'll go to Target and get my #2 choice," which, as luck would have it, just happened to be on sale that weekend.

Behold my Rob Liefeld Bag: the Swissgear SA9259. It didn't have everything that I ever wanted in a bag, but it has some nice features:

1. Padded laptop sleeve
2. Padded back with airflow system (this is Florida, sweat is a fact of life here)
3. The ability to completely swallow a 1-liter bottle in each of its side zippered pockets
4. Lots of pouches and flaps and zippers
5. And of course, it was here and on sale.

So, yeah. It carries stuff (seriously... a LOT of stuff), looks sufficiently Liefeldian, and balances nicely on my shoulders. It even holds all my crap with room to spare. Problem solved, case closed, right?

If you thought it would be that easy, just slap yourself now, because you so don't know me. I am Miss Complication.

The problem, you see, was that I realized I could fit a lot more crap in there, and make it much more useful. I could, in fact, turn the RLB into my James Bond Kit Mark II. (Because if it's useful now, then cramming it with twice as much crap makes it twice as useful, and that's logic.) So, amused by this notion, I added all my doohickeys. And I still had room.

And that, doctor, is how the madness began, because not long after that I started to develop... I don't know, "compulsion" is too harsh a word, so let's try "lust" instead ... to make this bag as optimal as possible for any contingency. Somewhere during this hobby-madness, I realized that what I was actually creating was what some call a Bug-Out Bag or a Go-Bag, but if that was the case then what am I doing with a Kukri Machete and snare wire? Do I chalk this up to having watched too much Man vs. Wild and Survivorman on Discovery Channel? Am I basically a bored hobbyist with too much free time on her hands, and losing myself in the creation of this kit is my way of dealing with loss and depression?

Well, yeah, that would be the reasonable assumption. It's probably even the correct diagnosis. But that doesn't feel geeky enough for my tastes, and so I offer you this alternate viewpoint: Somewhere along the way I realized that I was assembling a modern-day version of the classic Dungeon Delver backpack, complete with Iron Rations (MREs), torches (flashlight) and flint & steel (magnesium firestarter). Which is much cooler, and explains a lot, because I am the type of person who, upon gaining a Handy Haversack of Heward in a game of D&D, will immediately work out how much I can carry and where ("Ooh! I can fit an entire tent in the left side pocket! I'll do just that!"), partly because I've had strict and lethal DM's of both the "If it's not written down you can't have it" and "I can't believe you actually fit that in there, let me see your volume assignments" variety, and partly because it's a fun mini-game.

(Also, I once stuffed a dead PC halfling into the main pocket, and that was worth a few giggles. )

But, it could be argued, why am I making a Dungeon Delve kit when there are no nearby dungeons into which I could delve, and indeed even if there were, would I so do? (No.) And then the meaning to my madness was revealed to me. You see, what I was really making was a Zombie Survival Kit.

Yes, I really am that big of a dork.

However, let me qualify myself before you think too poorly of me. Do I really think the undead will rise from their graves to devour the living? No. However, a kit which is designed for surviving an undead apocalypse will also serve admirably in event of natural disaster (Florida has tons of them) or terrorist attack (God forbid).

And that's why I listen to those little nagging voices in the back of my head, folks. Because even if I'm wrong, this is a good thing to have. Even if I lose interest in building the perfect Z Kit, it will still be good if I ever need it.

And perhaps most importantly, it gives me blogfodder that I can stretch out over days, maybe even a week, as I talk about the various aspects of my Z Kit, and how it relates to both D&D and modern survival. Because I'm passionate about this, I can use it to pad my postcount while still passing it off as a "legitimate" blog post.


Tomorrow: My Cold Steel Kukri Machete, aka "Why I don't need a poleaxe to kill zombies." (I still crave it, though.)

WNW: It's not a cheese shop

This is neat because it's a cool segue between things we were talking about (poleaxes) and things I plan to talk about next (survival kits and D&D).

Also, it's just plain awesome.

(Order of the Stick is copyright Rich Burlew. Click here to embiggen.)

Existential Axe

Dammit, I want this.

I really, really, REALLY want it. It's even on sale. I can afford it. But here's the thing...

... I don't need it. I have no use for it. There is no reason I would ever need a poleaxe. I can't even claim that I could use it in gardening. For that, the guisarme is a far superior choice, since it's a pruning hook on a long pole. And I'm just non-girly enough to feel that tools are meant to be used, not simply kept.

But oh, how I covet this.

Help me make up my mind, blogosphere. If you feel I should get it, please give me a good concrete reason why. Don't just say "Because it's awesome" because, duh, I know it's awesome. I need a practical reason to get it.

Or better yet, convince me that I don't need it. That works too.

Still... *droooools*

Home is where the arf is

It's good to be back. Not only because it's good to have the desire to write once more, but also because many of you missed me. I am pleased, as this means the subliminal indoctrination protocols I've been running with each blog post have finally started to show some results.

Since I've been gone nearly a month, I feel you deserve some explanation of what I was doing in that time. The answer, sadly, is "not a hell of a lot." I was depressed at having to put my dog down, and even more depressed at the fact that, for the first time in decades, there were no dogs in the house at all. (Back in 2005, we had three of them, and they all had to be put down due either cancer or age-related illnesses.)

Let me tell you, when you're used to having a dog, a dogless house is spooky quiet. It really hit me hardest when I would come home from an errand, and not have a four-legged friend happy to see me. If this is what it's like for parents when their children leave home, then I understand empty-nest syndrome a heck of a lot better than I did before.

Speaking of parents... wow, if you thought I took it hard, my mother was nearly wrecked. I spent a lot of time in my room just to be away from her, because she was upset and prone to tears. Crying is a lot like vomiting in that, once you see someone do it, it's hard not to do it yourself.

So yeah, I was in my room a lot, and because I was depressed or headachey or both, I ended up taking a lot of naps. Which is fine, except that it screwed my sleep schedule to hell and back. I would find myself going to bed at 4 am, getting up at 10, then taking a nap sometime between 4 and 6 pm and sometimes sleeping at late as 8 pm. Then I'd get up, eat dinner, and start the whole thing all over again.

One good thing to come out of this mess is that I discovered something interesting about my body chemistry: I think I'm slightly hypoglycemic, and the reason I'm so damn tired in the morning is because my body is crashing. The irony of the situation is that even though I don't feel hungry, I desperately need food. So no more sleeping through supper for me! In fact, I've started eating dinner between 4 and 5 pm, and supplementing that with a boost of caffiene (small cup of coffee or 8 oz soda) just to get me through the evening. Armed with this new information, hopefully my biorhythms will stop yo-yoing and I can be productive again with a consistent schedule.

Again, big thank-you's to everyone who stuck with me during this period.

But now I have some good news to share. As of Saturday night, there is a new puppy in the house!

This is Heath. Isn't he adorable? You may now all go "D'awwwww!"

We adopted him from Best Friends Animal Society in Kanab, Utah. They are the nation's largest no-kill animal sanctuary and they do fantastic work. Even though we had to pay to have him shipped here, he came with all his shots, pre-neutered (sorry guys) and with rudimentary obedience training! This is simply the best dog we've ever owned, and he is only 4 months old. Truly, this is the Cadillac of puppies.

Regarding the name: He was originally called Joker 2 at Best Friends, and we didn't like that name. So we decided to name him after Heath Ledger instead. The name is apt, as he's a little Casanova! All the girls at the vet office were coming over to him, cooing as they petted him. (Guys, if you want to meet girls, get a puppy and go to a dog park. Any women there will fall over themselves to pet the widdle puppeh, and you end up looking like a strong, nurturing provider.)

Also, he kinda looks like a Heath Bar. ;)

We don't know exactly what his pedigree is. He's at least half German Shepherd -- when he's upside down and his ears are "up", you can see the Shepherd face quite clearly -- but the other parts are unknown. I personally suspect there's a fair amount of Rottweiler in him, based on his coloration (especially the face).

For those folks who want to see more ridiculously adorable puppy pics, check out my photostream at Twitpic.

So anyway... with a cute widdle puppeh in da hizzouse, my energy levels are up, and I'm more inclined to write. Nothing like random puppy antics to give me the motivation to write about KK, the LOLcatgirl assassin you guys love, hate, or love to hate. :)

In conclusion: I haz a hotdog.