My Life With Depression

I won't presume to speak for everyone who suffers from depression, but I can share what it feels like for me in the hopes that maybe others will understand. You have my permission to share this, if you think that is deserves to be shared.


I've read that "Depression is anger turned inward" and I agree with that 100%, because so much of my misery is caused by me being angry at myself for being angry at stupid things.

Example:  
Erin is sitting in a chair and it's not comfortable. Normal Erin would think "This chair isn't comfortable. I should move!" and then she would move and get on with her day.


Depressed Erin thinks "Why does this chair hate me so much? Am I such an awful person that it has to go out of its way and make me uncomfortable just to spite me? Stupid chair! Well, I hate it too! I wish it were dead!"  at which point Erin's Rational Mind says "Um, Erin?  You know you are being totally irrational about this chair thing, right?  It's an inanimate object! It can't possibly hate you."

And Depressed Erin thinks "Of course I know this!  But I FEEL like the chair hates me. No amount of logic will change how I feel right now, because EMOTIONS RAWR." And then Depressed Erin feels really stupid because it's just been pointed out that she's mad at a thing for no good reason whatsoever.

She then thinks "What the heck is wrong with me that I am losing it over a chair? I must be really stupid to let my emotions override my good sense like this."  And then she begins to hate herself for being so stupidly emotional, and this puts her in a worse mood.

Because she's in a worse mood, everything else that goes wrong seems that much worse and that much more personal, which becomes a feedback loops. "It's too bright! The light hates me! Stupid light!  No, wait, stupid Erin."  "Argh, I'm too hot! Stupid thermostat... no, stupid Erin again..."

Eventually, Depressed Erin just gives up and goes back to her room, which is hopefully the most comfortable room in the house for her, and she hides back there because it's the only place where she has 100% control of the environment and hopefully she will not be disturbed by all the things in the world that hate her and make her feel like she's dumb for overreacting. And if she does overreact, she's in her safe place where no one will judge her for screaming at a lightbulb or crying because her clothes hurt.

And this is why Depressed Erin hides in her room and doesn't talk to people. She has to wait until she feels like things don't hate her just because she exists before she feels safe enough to risk coming out of her protective den.


This is how it is for me. Your mileage, of course, may vary, as I am not you.