Thursday, May 19, 2011

Rapture Rupture

I had originally scheduled this for the weekend, but the more I thought about it the angrier I became.

You are probably aware that some Moonbat Preacher has decided that Mar 21 is when the faithful will all be raptured, and the rest of you FILTHY STINKING SINNERS will all suffer horribly from global earthquakes and other catastrophes until the world is destroyed in October, because nothing says the Second Coming of the Prince of Peace like massive devastation.

To this person -- I refuse to do him the honor of even saying his name or linking to his website -- to this alleged prophet, I have only one thing to say:
[Jesus said:]“But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." 
Mark 13:32 AND Matthew 24:36
If you're still here reading this, then not only do you realize that the Moonbat Preacher's prediction of the May 21 Apocalypse is wrong, you now also know that he isn't even a good Christian, because Jesus Himself says this. Twice. The same exact phrase in two different books of the Bible. Which, I'd like to point out, doesn't happen very often.

If you believe this man, you are a fool, if for no other reason than he made this exact same claim back in 1994. If you ARE this man -- seek forgiveness now, because you aren't right with the God you claim to worship.
 “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.”
 — Matthew 7:15
What bothers me the most about False Prophet Psycho Moonbat isn't that he has his doctrine wrong, or that he's spreading what are essentially heresies, but that hundreds, perhaps thousands of people are going to be in serious trouble on Sunday when they find themselves un-Raptured.

These are people who have spent or given away their life savings and have quit their jobs. What will they do for food on Monday? How will they provide for their families? How many have already put their pets to sleep, for God's sake?

I have to wonder how many will commit suicide, either upon realization of the scope of their mistake, or in anguish over "not being worthy of salvation." If we are extremely lucky, they will only kill themselves. There is however a great likelihood that they'll kill their families first.

There are going to be many, many lives shattered by the false claims of this egocentric, self-aggrandizing motherfucker, and I truly hope that these broken people have the wherewithal to pick themselves up, admit their mistake, and carry on with their lives.

"But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction."
—2nd Peter 2:1

And then sue the ever-loving SHIT out of this arrogant asshole. I won't be happy until he's bankrupt and his empire in ruins, because this person --- this FILTH -- actually has contingencies in place to have his radio program keep broadcasting in the event that he's still here on Sunday. So, unlike many of his followers, he has not put his money where his faith is. Come Monday, he's still going to have a job broadcasting his bile across the airwaves, and I'm certain he will have a "reasonable" explanation for it. Something along the lines of "God showed mercy because of all the faithful."

I think faith is a wonderful thing. It can inspire, guide, uplift and comfort. The problem is that when humans get their grubby little hands on good things, they become bloated, useless bad things. Faith becomes religion, and I can't think of a single instance when religion alone helped someone. All the crimes and blasphemies performed in God's name are the result of religion, not faith. This false prophecy is already a blasphemy (a heresy at the very least) and by this time next week will probably have graduated to a crime. That's crime as in "atrocity".

In conclusion: anyone who tells you when the Rapture/Apocalypse/Second Coming will occur is full of shit and is trying to sell you something. You are morally (though sadly not legally) justified in taking the largest rocks you can find and throwing said rocks at their heads.

[And the LORD said:]"But a prophet who presumes to speak in My name anything I have not commanded, or a prophet who speaks in the name of other gods, is to be put to death."
-- Deuteronomy 18:20


  1. I believe that The Bible also said that the Rapture would come like a thief in the night, which further validates the point that no one will know when it will occur.

  2. Well, like you said, this is the second time he's made this prediction, and I don't remember hearing much about upheaval or increased suicide rates after he was proven wrong back in '94. It is disturbing how many people believe in his prediction, though. He doesn't even claim that it came through divine revelation -- he just thinks he's smarter at interpreting the Bible than the rest of us. His prediction is based on some wacky mix of math and Biblical numerology. But that doesn't even explain where he gets a 5 month tribulation instead of the traditional 7 years.

    I really, really hope people aren't actually putting their pets to sleep because of this guy.

  3.  I didn't hear anything either, but then I also didn't hear about people quitting their jobs to travel cross-country in Repentance Caravans, and giving away all their money to pay for ad campaigns about the coming end of the world. If anything, cultists seem to be stupider now than in 1994.

    I hope with all my heart that veterinarians and humane shelters are waiting until Tuesday to do euthanizations.

  4. I now have two new supervillains for my Champions campaign:

    Moonbat Preacher and The Ravening Wolf.

    Thanks as always Erin!

  5. Didn't this same Harold Camping geenyous also predict the Rapture back in 1988? Wonder how that worked out.

  6.  And yet, multiple false dates later, he still has adherents. I think this sadly proves that propaganda trumps both common sense and reading comprehension.

  7. Maybe this will tickle your sense of humour.

    Quote from BBC news:

    "An atheist and entrepreneur from New Hampshire, Bart Centre, is enjoying
    a boost in business for Eternal Earth-bound Pets, which he set up to
    look after the pets of those who believe they will be raptured.

    He has more than 250 clients who are paying up to $135 (£83) to have their pets picked up and cared for after the rapture.

    They would be disappointed twice, he told the Wall Street Journal. "Once
    because they weren't raptured and again because I don't do refunds."

  8.  Hi William! Always nice to get a new reader. Can you tell me how you found my blog?

    Also, since I see you're into worldbuilding, you'll probably be interested in my Pellatarrum fantasy campaign setting. Hope you like it!

  9. I was working on part of the outline for my superhero graphic novel. One of the characters is named The Snorkeler, and I decided it'd be fun if his whole schtick was trying to keep Lovecraftian monsters from taking the surface world. I'd remembered an image of Aquaman summoning Cthulhu somewhere on the Internet, and I did a Google search, which led me to your take on Aquaman. I don't have much experience with pen and paper rpgs, but walking through someone else's world is always fun.


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